Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Glacé Cherries

Puzzling news from the UK, as Evangelical Christian groups in British universities find it necessary to run special classes for their members teaching them how to avoid sex.

Things have certainly changed since I was at University. In those days, as I recall, being a glassy-eyed evangelical was in itself a sure-fire prophylactic against any form of sexual contact, but now it seems that the slappers of Olde England are such omnivorous nymphomaniacs that they’ll take anything with a heartbeat.

If garlicky breath and a crucifix are no longer enough to keep the modern vamps at bay, I can warmly recommend shaggy hair, a beard and a selection of heavy metal t-shirts. That combination got me through my formative years pretty much untouched, worst luck.


Some provocatively posed Christians, yesterday. You just know he’s thinking “So, do blowjobs count?”

10 comments:

johnnyboy said...

Indeed, my Judas Priest t-shirt never seemed to have any effect on the ladies, puzzlingly enough. Maybe if I had washed it occasionally...

R. Sherman said...

Ivan, let me say that along with the T-shirts, a small build and stature is helpful in avoiding the path to perdition.

It's nice to see our British cousins are on the cutting edge of morality. I guess there's a little Cromwell in everyone.

Cheers.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Judas Priest, eh? It was ZZ Top for me. Hence the beard. Ah, great days...

Small build would have put the tin hat on the matter for me. At least I was spared that. With my youthful penchant for chips, I would have ended up looking like a beachball by now.

irreverentmama said...

The young man's bemusement may be explained by the fact that the young woman appears to have only one breast. It's large enough, to be sure, but it appears to be alone.

HA HA HA said...

omfg if u thikn zztop is hevy metel no wondar teh ladeez just smirked at u.

urarverntmamama - shes a heck of a shot wiht a bow though.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Oh, IM, that's just the scarf. Tho' that does lead us to our next question: wtf is with that scarf? You're indoors woman! Not sure it's going to be worth the wait for that poor lad.

"Think", 3H? I was at university. There was precious little thinking going on. And that whole Amazonian breast-amputation thing was a Greek hoax. You know how the Greeks feel about women...

Anonymous said...

As a contemporary university student I can safely say that the 'heavy metal tee effect' has been turned on its head. Wearing such garments is now a byword for 'edgy cool', especially if you have no idea about the band you're advertising.

Long hair and the 'student bounce' style of walking are still good contraceptives, however.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Ah - the "student bounce". I'd forgotten that. I can still remember how it made my hair sway.

If they ever invent time travel, I'm going to give myself such a kicking...

johnnyboy said...

yeah, if I'd have known I'd have kept my JP tee, along with my Iron Maiden and my Black Sabbath ("Disturbing the Priest" era), and I could have proudly paraded down Campus Way, all ironic and shit. Probly still wouldn't have gotten me laid, though.

Ivan the Terrible said...

You can buy "pre-aged" ironic heavy metal t-shirts in most US department stores now. Kiss is a big favourite. It's so sad watching all those middle-aged balding fatties trying them on...