Dies Irae

Hair today

2007-01-02T17:56:00.000-05:00

Today is this blog’s first birthday, and I am thinking about my old goatee.

In the mid nineties, every guy I knew seemed to be growing a goatee. At the time I thought it was the fashion, but I now suspect that it had more to do with my age. I was hanging out with guys like myself, all hitting thirty at the same time, all noticing their waistlines beginning to bulge, and all stumbling across the same disguise for the extra chins and blurring jawline. I had one myself.

After a few years, no amount of goatee could hide the fat even from my own indulgent gaze. A bout of unemployment (unwelcome at the time, but in hindsight very fortuitous) gave me six months in which to run five miles a day and swim another two, and as if by magic the weight went away, swiftly followed by the now superfluous fuzz.

I had done the goatee thing.

Now, I’m not suggesting that blogging is an attempt to hide the ravages of age, or indeed anything else. It has been stimulating and gratifying in its own right. I feel like I’ve made some good friends insofar as one can make friends this way. I’ve had fun, and hopefully I’ve entertained some of you too.

For all that, maintaining a blog is not the sort of thing that one can commit to doing forever, especially when you have four kids and an increasingly demanding job breathing down your neck. A year of this was fun, and I could go a while longer yet, but it will not always be so. I’d rather quit now while I still remember blogging fondly than wait until I resent it as a burden. So, as with the goatee, it’s time to draw the line.

I have done the blog thing.

Therefore this’ll be my last entry for the foreseeable future. I might do some tidying up with the labels, and I’ll leave the links up, but that’ll be it. I'll see you all at your own blogs every now and then – meanwhile, thanks for dropping by, and all the very best for the New Year.

It’s been a blast…

Bonne année

2007-01-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

The French welcome the New Year in their own inimitable style, by holding a protest against the relentless progressivism of the calendar.

The Front d'Opposition à la Nouvelle Année/Comité d'Organistion National (Fonacon) brought the centre of Nantes to a standstill last night, condemning the approach of midnight.

"It is about time that the passage of time ended," said one of the hooded organisers. "We are fed up with getting older. Why should we follow the fashion? The planet is getting older and warmer. Not us. Stop this mad race towards death."

"Besides, next year is an election year [in France] and has a rather doubtful feel about it. Sego v Sarko? Not for us. No thanks."

The good folk of Fonacon showed true Gallic resolve in the face of adversity. When 2007 arrived regardless, the marchers amended their chants to "No to 2008" without so much as a pause.

Of course, one assumes they were joking. There must be a few people in France with a sense of humour, mustn't there?

And a Happy New Year to you too...

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-12-31T09:14:00.000-05:00

Avian Flu

Is this the year?

Sing your life

2006-12-29T07:30:00.000-05:00

Want to know what was #1 in the hit parade the day you were born? Satisfy your curiosity here.

Looking at my results, I wonder if perhaps music is not destiny. In the month of my birth, the three top hits were, in chronological order, Ticket To Ride by The Beatles, King Of The Road by Roger Miller, and Where Are You Now? by Jackie Trent. Eight countries later, I’m hoping that that gypsy curse has just about worn off.

On the other hand, one more year and my theme tune would’ve been Pretty Flamingo by Manfred Mann. I’m pretty sure I dodged a bullet there…

So, what's the soundtrack to your life?

I'm a man of means by no means...
King of the Road.

Intelligence Oversight

2006-12-28T11:58:00.000-05:00

We all rest a little easier in our beds, as the Democrats unveil the new leadership of the Congressional Intelligence Committee.

In the space of a few minutes, Chairperson Silvestre Reyes managed to describe Al Qaeda as a Shia organisation, and Iran as a Sunni state, before admitting that he had no idea what Hizbollah was or where it was based.

Other concepts Democrats find it hard to distinguish between include “right” and “wrong”, “mine” and “yours”, and most recently “victory” and “surrender”.

Not that the Republicans did much better. To quote the woman in charge of CIA spy recruitment: “The Sunni are more radical than the Shia. Or vice versa.”

What is it with Americans and abroad? I know many of them don’t have passports, but then again, when you live in a country as big as the US, there’s not much reason to leave. Just about any combination of climate and dusky-maiden skin-tone is available right here. Even so, surely they should be able to find a couple of dozen people out of their whole political class who know more about the world than what they’ve gleaned off of a handful of Snapple Facts?

Let’s hope these knuckleheads do a little background reading before they re-open for business in January.

Sylvestre Reyes displays his unrivalled grasp of foreign affairs, yesterday. Is that your final answer?

Not half bad

2006-12-27T13:55:00.000-05:00

Ave atque vale, then, Leslie Lynch King, Jr, 38th President of the United States.

"Damn it, I don't need the polls to tell me whether I'm right or wrong."

He's the first president I was ever really conscious of, and even then only because he was always in the news tripping over things. Now we come to consider his life, too late we realize that he probably deserved a lot better. But there's a lot of people like that, especially among the klutzy ones.

So take a minute for those folks in your life - the cack-handed and the bad-haired, the clumsy and the dull - who are plodding along, getting the job done all the same. We rely on them to be there when we need them, but might never think to thank them.

For Gerald R Ford, give them a smile today...

Gerald R Ford and friend, yesterday. RIP.

All work and no play

2006-12-26T23:48:00.000-05:00

The Harvard Business Review indulges in a little schadenfreude, reporting that individuals in "extreme jobs" rake in the cash but only at the expense of their sex lives.

They define extreme jobs as entailing work weeks of 60 hours or more. 46 per cent of the corporate carnivores surveyed said that their jobs interfere with "having a strong relationship with my spouse/partner", with 50% having an unsatisfying sex life. The other 50% were presumably jumping their secretaries.

Excuse me while I unpack my violin. By that logic, I reckon I’m underpaid by a factor of ten. Tough line of reasoning to work into one's annual performance review, tho'…

Big big salary, teeny-weeny penis.

Merry Christmas to you all

2006-12-25T00:15:00.000-05:00

…and God bless us, every one.

Note: anyone offended by overt references to Christianity please proceed in an orderly fashion to this designated safe zone.

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-12-23T18:17:00.000-05:00

Nuns

Not as nice as they’re made out to be?

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-12-21T22:46:00.000-05:00

This week’s winner is Hong Kong Subtitles, a list of (allegedly) real English subtitles to movies shown in Hong Kong.

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination.

Anyone know what the short rabbits are? Do guys have them too? Perhaps we should be getting these films on cable over here, on the Discovery Channel if nowhere else…

A Hong Kong movie star, yesterday. Short rabbits a speciality.

No such thing as a free lunch?

2006-12-20T21:34:00.000-05:00

One in 20 Latinos in the US regularly goes hungry complains the Hispanic civil rights group the National Council of La Raza.

OK, fine. While we’re at it, the National Bakers’ Union is complaining that its members don’t get enough blow jobs. And your point is…? Who are those universally well-fed lawyers going to sue? And on what grounds? Call a charity, or call Welfare, but for God’s sake don’t call a lawyer.

Civil rights are about not getting robbed or threatened by the State, thrown into gaol without due process, or kidnapped and murdered by corrupt cops, all of which are daily events south of the Rio Grande. Civil rights are about equality before the law. What civil rights are emphatically not about is equality of life.

Martin Luther King demanded, among other things, the right to be served at segregated lunch counters. I don’t recall him arguing the inalienable right to Japanese sweet potato and chestnut gratin once he got there. You got what was on the menu, if you could pay for it. Same goes for Manolo and friends. You don’t work, you don’t eat. You don’t like it, you go home and ask your own government to feed you. Let us know how that works out for you…

God knows, it’s not as if Whitey has a secret stash of super-healthy eating tips. They’re mostly so fat and wheezy that those lean illegals will outlive them anyway.

Tallahassee, 1956. Another lunch counter sit-in ends in defeat, as for the third day running José steals everybody else’s fries…

Top tips

2006-12-19T18:45:00.000-05:00

Champagne corks are popping among the genital mutilation community, for the US National Institutes (sic) of Health has publicly recommended circumcision as a prophylactic against HIV infection.

No matter that the test was conducted in environments where cultural factors (ie, a tendency on the part of local males to knob anything that moves regardless of age, gender, consent or species) skews both the prevalence of the virus and the virulence with which it transmits itself. Apparently the best way to marginally cut infection rates in one of several transmission vectors for a rare disease that very few Americans will ever even be exposed to is to have all male children undergo a painful, unnecessary and desensitising surgery.

Sewing your eyelids shut is also an excellent prophylactic against snow blindness, but I don’t see the US National Institutes of Health handing out the surgical staples. Could this perhaps have something to do with the bizarre American fetish for circumcision? You betcha.

The voice of reason is nowhere to be found, but the WHO accidentally manages an approximation to it in its rather defensive response:

Dr Kevin De Cock, director of the HIV/Aids department of the World Health Organization told the BBC the results were a "significant scientific advance" but were not a magic bullet and would never replace existing prevention strategies.

Which is true so far as it goes, but is really just code for “Cut off as many of your dicks as you like – just keep our salaries coming”. By the way, if ever a name was destiny for its bearer, Dr De Cock’s is it…

One wonders where it will all end. Today your foreskin, tomorrow this? We’re on a slippery slope, my friends…

Whip 'em out, lads. One hundred and fifty million Americans can’t be wrong.

Welcome to Self-Awareness Corner

2006-12-17T22:32:00.000-05:00

A serial incompetent and nepotist who repeatedly turned a blind eye to genocide in Bosnia, Rwanda and Darfur chides the US for its unilateralism.

"No nation can make itself secure by seeking supremacy over others" intoned the shameless fraud, pissing on the memory of Harry S Truman by daring to show his face at the latter’s Presidential Library in Missouri instead of being run out of town on a rail.

Sadly, as the audience was 100% Democrats, BBC reporters, and other assorted traitors to human freedom, no-one thought to hold a whip round and buy him a ticket to Beijing, so he could deliver the same message regarding Taiwan and Tibet, or to Teheran, to give the mullahs a piece of his mind re Lebanon.

Kofi Annan was born in Ghana in 1938, and is still not dead.

Kofi Annan and friends, yesterday. One can’t exactly call his retirement “well-earnt”, but on the other hand the rest of the world certainly deserves a break from him and his leechlike cronies.

Ivan’s Christmas Shopping Special

2006-12-16T12:52:00.000-05:00

Geeks! For the lady in your life*…

This Christmas, why not get her Eau de Worf, by L’Oréal?

Eau de Worf – because all other perfumes are weak…

* You know – that buck-toothed lab assistant you never have the nerve to ask out, or the chick in the coffee shop who always stares right through you.

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-12-14T19:42:00.000-05:00

This week’s winner is The James Bond Dossier - all you need to know about what makes Bond Bond, and where to buy it.

Girls, if you’re still not sure what to get the man in your life for Christmas, well, chances are you’ll find something here to earn you the ultimate accolade – the unsolicited back-rub. Happy hunting…

The Smith & Wesson Hammerless Centennial Airweight .38, yesterday – as used by our James in Dr No. Hint hint.

Diana of the Effusions

2006-12-13T07:11:00.000-05:00

“Princes plan tribute to Diana” the Telegraph announces breathlessly.

Oh, thank God. For a moment there I thought the world was about to forget that saintly and exceptional woman.

Not for her just the traditional church service. Only a massive concert in Wembley Stadium will do for someone like Diana, who overcame crippling social advantages and embarrassingly large subsidies of everyone else’s taxes to become the world’s premier clothes horse.

“We want it to represent exactly what our mother would have wanted, how she was and all that sort of thing” explains William, with the articulacy that only the finest pedigree and years of intensive and privileged schooling can produce.

“We hope to commemorate and celebrate our mother’s life, as it’s been 10 years since she died, with a memorial service on August 31 in London” he continues, his brother squatting beside him poking a termite mound with a stick, “and then a concert, a tribute concert, celebrating her life on July 1 on her birthday.”

One’s Royal grasp on the workings of the calendar seems a little shaky there, but go easy on the poor kid, now. He’s just lost his mother after all. Or at least very likely just noticed. Maybe they switched nannies on him or something.

Building on this tremendous success, the brothers plan to follow up with a Concert for Pinochet, celebrating the life and achievements of Chile’s veteran military strongman, who died last week at the tragically late age of 91.

Given Pinochet’s long-standing association with football stadiums, the Princes have decided to book Wembley for an extra night and run both parties together. Tho’ obviously the Pinochet event will offer less in the way of music, inclining more towards the mass torture and extra-judicial execution of left-wing activists.

“Harry’s already picked out his costume, haven’t you Harry?” adds William, smiling indulgently as his brother swings idly from a nearby chandelier peeling a valet with his feet.

Of course, nothing comes easy to two such troubled youngsters, and here too there are obstacles to overcome. “The servants tell me that no-one in the Labour Party qualifies as left-wing any more, so we’ll probably have to settle for George Galloway, and make up the numbers with some Lib Dems…”

Sadly, General Pinochet’s family have already declined their invitations. “My father was a notorious fascist who for nearly twenty years held our beloved Chile in his mailed fist, murdering thousands to maintain his bloodthirsty rule” explains his daughter in a prepared statement. “He certainly would not wish to be associated with anything so indefensible as hereditary monarchy…”

William and Harry, yesterday. “We’re Royals, you know. It’s not as if we have anything else we should be doing.”

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

2006-12-11T20:57:00.000-05:00

A new diaspora emerges, as the Institute for Public Policy Research announces the results of their survey into the distribution of ex-pat Britons.

Fully 10% of the population has shaken the dust of Blighty from their sandals and lit out for greener pastures. The IPPR offers no analysis as to why, although many might suspect that the existence of bodies like the IPPR, who track people for the sole purpose of finding new ways to tax and meddle with them, might have some bearing on the matter.

Not the least surprising aspect of their findings is that there are more Brits in Spain than in the United States. Of course, many would counter that it’s easier to get into the Spain than the United States. You’d think they might have considered that fact a little more carefully before moving there, but it’s too late now. It’s paella and property scams for life now for those knuckleheads.

A comparative study of the Irish revealed huge concentrations in New York’s Police Department, Chicago’s Fire Department and Boston’s bar staff. Strange that the sea-divided Gael can arrest criminals, put out fires and spend twelve hours in a bar without getting drunk, while their stay-at-home cousins lay waste to entire neighbourhoods on a nightly basis. Is this evidence for natural selection? That Darwin bloke might be onto something after all…

Warning – here be Brits…

Food for Thought

2006-12-10T18:31:00.000-05:00

Margaret Thatcher once observed that the facts of life usually turn out to be conservative. Perhaps, then, we should not be surprised to learn that charitable impulses do to.

Puts me in mind of one of my favourite jokes:

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week”. The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as “How to Improve Your Business” and “Becoming More Successful.”

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

It’s practically libellous, of course. Who ever heard of a Democrat offering to pay their bill?

Charity in action, yesterday. Obviously not as caring as taxing everyone else and then hiring a huge well-paid staff to hand out the few remaining crumbs. I mean, where’re the votes in that?

Small but perfectly formed

2006-12-08T23:58:00.000-05:00

Indian men have complained that standard condoms are "too big" for them, bless.

You know, just because the silly fish jumps right into the barrel, we don’t have to shoot it…

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-12-07T21:55:00.000-05:00

This week’s winner is World War I – in colour!.

It really is jarring to see some of these images, in such sharp colour – it makes it somehow all too painfully recent. Fortunately they are pretty much all of French troops, so no-one’s doing anything gory or distressing, like actually fighting or anything…

WWI, yesterday. I could’ve sworn I went to school with that guy on the far right.

Cock-blogged

2006-12-05T22:57:00.000-05:00

Creeping horror disturbs my rest, as whenever I try to migrate to the new blogger beta it tells me I can’t do it. Anyone know what’s going on there? I’m beginning to feel put upon. Maybe I’ve been blacklisted?

See? This is what happens when you guys keep rabbiting on about certain religious minorities in the comments…

Idiot Savant

2006-12-03T20:01:00.000-05:00

My employer, Virtucon (An Evil Corporation™) is seeking to tap the creativity of humble peons like myself, by encouraging us to share new product ideas on an internal Wiki. “Do You Have the Next Billion Dollar Business Idea?” asks the lead article on the company intranet, breathlessly.

Curiously it omits the obvious follow-up, “If so, are you retarded enough to hand it over to us for free?”

What kind of morons do they take us for? They hired us specifically for our low cunning and total lack of scruples. Anyone actually coughing up a freebie on this site would be sacked on the spot for breach of contract. Oh no, I’m not falling for that one again…

Employee of the Month and friend, yesterday.

Ivan’s Sunday Quiz

2006-12-02T12:50:00.000-05:00

Are you autistic? Anyone who’s ever found themselves painstakingly rearranging their sock drawer by shades of grey has asked themselves that question at some time or another. Well, end am-I-an-ubernerd uncertainty once and for all!

Take the test here, courtesy of Wired Magazine, a publication that obviously knows its readership all too well.

Note that the theoretical basis of this test is the work of Simon Baron-Cohen, brother of the more famous Sacha. No prizes for guessing where he acquired his abiding interest in abnormal psychology…

(My score was 18, by the way)

All this, and good with numbers too.

Plus ça change…

2006-11-30T20:25:00.000-05:00

Tremendous excitement among the dusty ranks of Britain’s archaeologists, as new studies unveil the intricate complexities of an Ancient Greek supercomputer.

This amazing artifact, constructed almost two centuries before the birth of Christ and lost at sea around 65BC, was apparently used to calculate eclipses, solstices, and planetary motions with uncanny accuracy, marking a level of technological advance not to be seen again until the late Middle Ages.

It’s a sad reflection on human nature that this fantastic fruit of ancient scientific skill, far from inspiring further feats and “putting a man on the Moon by 300AD”, was instead carted around by some shyster to predict “omens” and cast horoscopes. Thank God we live in a more rational age, where men no longer pervert Progress to fleece the greedy and the gullible.

In other news, I receive the following in my inbox this morning…

Date: Mon, 4th December 2006 08:58:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: Moses Odiaka [mosesadiaha@go.com]
To: mosesadiaha@go.com
Subject: CONFIDENTIAL PROPOSAL

My name is Mr.Moses Odiaka.I work in the credit and accounts department of Union Bank of NigeriaPlc,Lagos, Nigeria. I write you in respect of a foreign customer with a Domicilliary account. His name is Engineer Manfred Becker. He was among those who died in a plane crash here in Nigeria during the reign of late General Sani Abacha.

He had only $18.5mllion in his a/c and the a/c is coded. It is only an insider that could produce the code or password of the deposit particulars. Based on the reason that nobody has come forward to claim the deposit as next of kin, I hereby ask for your co operation in using your name as the next of kin to the deceased to send these funds out to a foreign offshore bank a/c for mutual sharing between myself and you. I will need your full name and address telephone/fax umber,company or residential, also your bank name and account,where the money will be transfer into.

Trusting to hear from you,

I remain Respectfully yours,

Mr Moses Odiaka.

Cool! Man, I’m so totally going to cash in on this…

The Ancient Greek Supercomputer, yesterday. Not much to look at, but still more reliable than Windows.

Got to pick a pocket or two

2006-11-28T22:06:00.000-05:00

The Home Office issues a report detailing Britain’s prison population in terms of prisoners' religious affiliation.

Fascinating stuff. Apparently Episcopalians are partial to sex crimes, Catholics to burglary, and Hindus to fraud. Thank God those Muslims are maintaining their traditional law-abiding low profile and not getting into any mischief.

No word on the Jews and their supposed over-representation among those convicted for starting all the wars in history. But you know those Red Sea Pedestrians. They probably just used their total control of the world’s media to hush it up.

Meanwhile, the atheists’ crime of choice is anything involving violence, from mugging through common assault all the way to GBH and murder. I tried to ask the world’s Number 1 Atheist, Richard Dawkins, how he squared that with his assertion that religion was corrupting whereas atheism brought ennobling freedom, but he just came after me with a Stanley knife.

Professor Dawkins, yesterday, getting to grips with the opposition, atheist-style. Good thing his wife was there. “Leave it aht, Dick – he’s not worf it… That’s enuff, ennit? He’s ‘ad enuff. Leave him, Dick. Leave it aht, I say…”

UPDATE! Britain's prison population tops 80,000 for the first time! Maybe the Plods have been rounding up the Scientologists to balance things out. After all, if stupidity were a crime, they'd all have been locked away long since...

Ninjas!

2006-11-26T23:10:00.000-05:00

An anonymous letter appears on my desk, cunningly scrawled in crayon to defy graphological analysis:

Dear ceitisins

The only way pople wont see us or haer us is stik close to The shados and weaR som thing on our heads

ninjas

I am clearly in imminent danger. One’s first thought, naturally, is that 3H has finally snapped after years of typing like an epileptic with Parkinson’s, and has started tracking us down one by one extracting gruesome revenge upon our frail and pasty blogger bodies. But no sooner have I strapped the baby to my chest as a human shield, two small and sinister figures slip into the room and begin skulking among the bookcases…

Fortunately for me, it’s just my two eldest boys. Their stealthy progress is somewhat spoiled by their sister trailing along behind them, shouting “There’th Authtin!” and “Look, Daddy, it’th Wonan!”, and pointing.

This is probably why real ninjas didn’t take their little sisters along on missions.

Ninja costumes being in short supply since the Mutant Turtle variety were retired for soup, the boys have exercised some impressive creativity in the matter of masks. And at least they had the sense to choose clean ones.

Perhaps real ninjas had to wear underpants on their heads too. It would explain their notoriously irascible natures. I rather wish they had, and well-used ones to boot. It would be no more than they deserved, the murdering little monkeys…

Some ninjas, yesterday, and friend. Never mess with a man with underpants on his head.

Ivan’s Sunday Quiz

2006-11-25T22:31:00.000-05:00

What South Park character are you like?

Which South Park kid are you most like?

Kyle

You are clever, and often come up with intelligent and funny comebacks to other people's stupid remarks.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

So what, I’m Jewish now? Well, could be a lot worse…

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-11-24T00:32:00.000-05:00

This week’s winner is the gentle humour of the P G Wodehouse quote generator. A must for all eggs, beans, and crumpets.

All human life is there:

My Boss:

The words, delivered at a distance of two feet in the man's immediate rear, were spoken in the sharp, resonant voice of one who Gets Things Done - which, in its essentials, is rather like the note of a seal barking for fish.

Myself:

He looked haggard and careworn, like a Borgia who has suddenly remembered that he has forgotten to shove cyanide in the consomme, and the dinner-gong due any moment.
Carry On, Jeeves (1925) `Clustering round Young Bingo'

My kids:

`I remember years ago, Bertie,' said Aunt Dahlia, `when you nearly swallowed your rubber comforter and started turning purple. And I, ass that I was, took it out and saved your life. Let me tell you, it will go very hard with you if you ever swallow a rubber comforter again when only I am by to aid.’
Right Ho, Jeeves (1934)

And of course, my hobbies:

Boko Bagshott we called him. Took a girl to supper once at the Gardenia. Supper scarcely concluded when an angry old gentleman plunges into the room and starts shaking his fist in Boko's face. Boko rises with chivalrous gesture. ``Have no fear, sir. I am a man of honour. I will marry your daughter.'' ``Daughter?'' says the old gentleman, foaming a little at the mouth. ``Damn it, that's my wife.'' Took all Boko's tact to pass it off, I believe.

Those were happier times…

What’s your favourite Wodehouse quote?

Bertie Wooster, yesterday. A role model for us all. Fortunately we still have David Cameron.

Going around the table

2006-11-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note, a day early, as I don’t intend to be hovering over this damned machine at all tomorrow.

So, what am I thankful for this year?

A loving wife.
Four great kids, especially our new arrival.
Good health for everyone, including both of our mothers.
A strong church.
A good job and a salary that lets my wife stay home with the kids.
A boss who’s a decent human being.
Only being away on business for three weeks this year.
A new and bigger house, with a walk-out basement and a decent lot.
Passing a very challenging quality management certification first time back in April.
That I'm not a turkey.

What do I want for Christmas?

A promotion (would be the first for four years).
A pay-rise (ditto).
A buyer for our old house.
An orally-fixated cheerleader (pom-poms optional).
And another year like this one.

What are you thankful for?

The first Thanksgiving in 1621, yesterday. Known to Native Americans as Thanks For Nothin’ Day…

And now, the news for the dumb

2006-11-19T15:29:00.000-05:00

“Not eating makes you die – shock” reports the Telegraph. Anorexic Brazilian model Ana Carolina Reston, who lived on an exclusive diet of apples and tomatoes, has died from kidney failure aged 21.

She is the second anorexic model to die this year. Uruguayan Luisel Ramos, 22, suffered a heart attack in August after living on lettuce leaves and Diet Coke for three months.

Something of a pattern emerging here, maybe?

Simple cause and effect seems to be challenging for South Americans generally. Dim-bulb Brazilian Cassia Aparecida de Souza, 18, made headlines recently with the claim that her cat, Mimi, had given birth to the miscegenous offspring of the neighbour’s dog, which is a first even for a country as lax in matters sexual as Brazil.

No word yet as to Ms de Souza’s stance on tomato-only diets.

Are these women representative of all South Americans in their feeble grasp on the facts of life? If so, it’s no wonder that they keep electing scumbags like Chavez and Ortega…

Is it a puppy? Is it a kitten? No, it’s a puppy. Duh.

Everyone’s a critic

2006-11-16T19:48:00.000-05:00

I find my faith in natural justice momentarily restored as Sacha Baron Cohen is punched repeatedly in the face on a New York sidewalk.

Side-splitting funny-man Sacha decided on the spur of the moment to reprise his notorious Borat character on a passer-by, requesting to have sex with his clothes, whereupon the object of his attentions promptly beat him unconscious.

Seeing as mere eye-contact has been known to provoke pre-emptive stabbings from neurotic New Yorkers, many would argue that Borat got away lightly. Fortunately our very own Hugh Laurie, star of “House”, was there to salvage Sacha from the wreckage - a fake doctor rescuing a fake Kazakh from a very genuinely offended citizen. I’m sure there’s a clever metaphor on the ephemera of fame in there somewhere, but I’m just sorry that I wasn’t there myself to help out– by, say, holding Borat by the arms, or fetching a baseball bat.

The humblest copper in the land cannot pummel a dusky suspect without getting plastered all over YouTube nowadays, and yet no-one thought to capture this priceless piece of cinema verité on film. Where are the paparazzi when you need them?

Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat, yesterday. Now with authentically Kazakh-style missing teeth…

Dispatches from RummieWorld™

2006-11-14T18:32:00.000-05:00

A warm welcome to Self-Awareness Corner, as German Lawyers unveil plans to charge Donald Rumsfeld with crimes against humanity.

Well, one certainly can’t gainsay the German people’s expert and in-depth knowledge of war crimes. Their reputation for near-autistic blindness to embarrassing inappropriacy is also apparently well-earnt.

In other news, 150 scientists and staff are kidnapped from Baghdad’s Higher Education Ministry in broad daylight.

Now, I can see bundling some poor chump off the street into the boot of a car being called kidnapping, but when it comes to twenty camouflaged lorries full of uniformed thugs rounding up an entire government department, I fear we are stretching the meaning of “kidnap” beyond all reason.

A new word must be found, and I think it is only fair that it pay tribute to the inimitable skills of our former Defence Secretary by immortalising his genius.

Therefore I humbly suggest “to rummie” vt, sb, to kidnap on an industrial scale. Use it wisely, my children – I bequeath it thee…

What’s your favourite neologism?

Some German lawyers, yesterday. Poachers turned gamekeepers.

It’s alive!

2006-11-13T07:27:00.000-05:00

Wide-eyed innocence from the mad scientist community as they digest the outraged reactions to their plans for human-cow hybrids.

Frankenstein and co. are for some unaccountable reason short of real human eggs to butcher, the general public being notoriously conservative in these matters. Therefore they have hit upon the simple and risk-free solution of injecting human DNA into cows’ eggs, and then smooshing the mewling abominations that result to harvest their juicy, tender young stem cells. Lovely!

"This is a very rational step: to learn what you can using animal eggs, which are readily obtainable, before moving on to valuable human eggs when or if this becomes necessary" explains Professor Robin Lovell-Badge, head of developmental genetics at the National Institute for Medical Research, tossing another puppy in the blender.

It’s good to see the true spirit of pure scientific enquiry alive and well among our brave boffins. And if their unholy mutants lurch out of the castle and stroll down to the village to rip the heads off peasants, well, that’s just regrettable collateral damage in the War on Ignorance.

All in all, a small price to pay if it cures Michael J Fox of his Parkinsons’. Then maybe he’ll finally do Back to the Future IV instead of all those creepy Democratic campaign ads…

“Paging Professor Lovell-Badge to Customer Service, please. Someone would like to register a complaint.”

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-11-11T09:58:00.000-05:00

Whatever happened to...

...toddlers falling down wells?

Ivan’s Election Round-Up

2006-11-10T07:22:00.000-05:00

Thursday 7am: It’s election day!

Not that I get a vote, unless you count all those postal ballots I swiped from the Sunnyview Retirement Complex during nap time. Nevertheless, I feel moved to join in the fun, and dress accordingly.

Thursday noon: Turns out that Americans like to hold their elections on Tuesdays, not Thursdays as in proper countries like the UK. Bugger.

Why was I not informed? I make a mental note to chastise the wife, if only on general principle.

Thursday 11pm I review the results with alarm. The Democrats have seized control of Congress. In other news, Britney Spears announces her divorce.

Coincidence? I think not. The filthy tide of left-liberal immorality is already threatening to swamp us. May the Lord have mercy on our souls…

Quote of the Week Keith Ellison, first-ever Muslim Congressman, celebrates the rainbow coalition that elected him:

Ellison said his campaign united labor, minority communities and peace activists… "We brought in everybody."

“Everybody”?

Britney Spears, yesterday, too inconsolable to dress. Just the first of many victims of this unholy Democrat tyranny.

Hey Big Penda

2006-11-08T07:45:00.000-05:00

Our friend 3H, inspired by Bystander, sings the praises of Offa, King of the Mercians and Hammer of the Welsh.

Despite the attractions of Welsh-hammering, I've always been more of a Penda man myself.

Penda remained a Pagan throughout his life but, by his wife, Cunewise, he fathered a large family who all became Christian: Peada, King of Middle Anglia; Wulfhere and Aethelred, eventually Kings of Mercia; Merewalh, King of Magonset; St. Cuneburga, wife of King Alcfrith of Deira and Abbess of Castor; St. Cuneswith; St. Cunethrith of Castor; St. Edith of Aylesbury; St. Edburga of Bicester; and Wilburga, wife of King Frithuwold of Surrey.

Five saints! That's got to be a record. Granted, they were only chicks, but even so - not bad for a head-banging psycho like him. We shall not see his like again.

Penda, King of Mercia, yesterday. No school like the old school…

Maiden Aunt

2006-11-06T07:32:00.000-05:00

Food for thought as the BBC compares Western promiscuity with those fine upstanding moralists of sub-Saharan Africa.

“Why oh why are Westerners such sluts compared to Ethiopians?” Aunty Beeb asks us, shaking her head sadly. Probably for the same reason that they punch out four times as many kids, despite having fewer partners – they have no condoms.

I would also add that they live in a shithole with nothing else to do, but seeing as there is no baby-boom in Birmingham I must reluctantly lay that argument aside.

Nevertheless, it must be significant that every single man in Ethiopia between the ages of 35 and 39 is getting laid. I mean to say, every single one. You’d think their tourist board would’ve made some hay out of that little data point by now. But no, they’re sticking with “Ethiopia – bring food!” for the twenty third year running. Those Saatchis have really lost their edge, if you ask me.

Once again the BBC manages to simultaneously patronise the Third World while slagging off its own nation and culture. Too many of those spineless lefties seem to be auditioning for jobs under the first sharia government. No-one beats a socialist when it comes to getting their surrender in early – as Francois “Mr Vichy” Mitterand would be the first to tell you...

Compare and contrast: liberal democracy and emancipated females vs third world goat-herding – which is superior? Think you know? Aunty knows better!

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-11-04T09:47:00.000-05:00

Shy heartthrob Russell Crowe finally speaks out!

“Just don’t call me tetchy. I hate it when people call me tetchy…”

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-11-03T07:30:00.000-05:00

This week, why not gaze into the abyss for a while as you peruse this balanced and objective review of the merits of female circumcision?

But remember, when you gaze into this abyss, it is not only gazing back but probably pulling on a suicide vest while it’s at it. Try not to make eye contact…

“Of course, the simplest way to deal with uncovered meat is to cut big chunks of it off and throw it away…”

Diminishing returns

2006-11-01T07:02:00.000-05:00

The Daily Telegraph entertains and informs again with its excellent “your view” section, where readers provide their considered opinions on the issues of the day.

I find a lively debate, inspired by the Archbishop of Canterbury, regarding whether full-time working mothers are detrimental to family cohesion and children’s welfare.

Among the predictable pearls thrown up by those with nothing better to do all day than take the Archbishop of Canterbury seriously, I alight upon this little gem, posted by a Mr Arnold Ward:

My wife and I both work around 75% which seems to work for us and our two children - maybe this is a model that should be more universally adopted.

Truly we are in the presence of genius. He continues…

Moreover, just because they are women does not mean that they are going make great mothers, my own mother was not temperamentally well suited to childcare - try as she might.

Evidently, she was not much cop at elementary statistics or basic logic, either. On the other hand, I do hope she’s still hale enough to hotfoot it round to his place and kick his sorry, ungrateful and mathematically-illiterate ass all over the room.

For his next trick, Mr Ward will solve income inequality by giving everyone a 10% pay rise…

Mr Ward’s grasp of numbers is eight today. Many happy returns!

Midnight 'til one belongs to the Dead...

2006-10-31T18:15:00.000-05:00

Flying rats

2006-10-30T06:55:00.000-05:00

A feel-good story to start the week with, as a pelican shows unexpected community spirit by abruptly catching a pigeon and swallowing it whole.

An RSPB spokesman said "It is almost unheard of for a pelican to eat a bird. Their diet should be strictly fish."

So much for the experts. A fish-only diet is all very well for effete Western Pelicans, but this one is an Eastern White, from Siberia. I know from bitter experience that one eats whatever one can get out there…

The world’s dumbest pigeon, yesterday, about to meet his maker. Retarded even by the unexacting standards of his scrofulous confreres…

Begging the question

2006-10-28T21:27:00.000-04:00

Quite frankly, I was unaware that I had any in the first place…

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-10-27T06:58:00.000-04:00

This week’s winner is The Rockall Times, your one-stop-shop for all North Atlantic news.

Not as urbane as The Onion, say, but what it lacks in polish it more than makes up for in ethnic stereotyping and swearing. That’s a trade-off I can live with…

The Rockall Times: not just a newspaper – more a public service.

Six Feet Under

2006-10-25T07:23:00.000-04:00

Excellent!

No-one does obituaries like the Telegraph nowadays, and this is a classic of the genre. You can feel the tension in the air as they carefully skirt around any mention of the obvious puns, in deference to the sombre occasion and, no doubt, the exasperated requests of the dead man’s family.

And who needs a cheap shot at the name with such a life to eulogise? Leading African troops against the Japanese, tugging Greek beards, demanding the surrender of Cuban irregulars clad only in diving flippers and mud – his story has it all.

I suppose with a name like his one might feel driven to excel, if only to give people something else to talk about. Lt Col John Trenchard Pine-Coffin OBE succeeded in spades, and we salute him for it. Ave atque vale…

The Pine-Coffin arms, yesterday. “In storms we thrive”. One only hopes that Heaven doesn’t bore him.

Where’s my rifle?

2006-10-23T07:22:00.000-04:00

Clown conference opens in Mexico reports the BBC, inexplicably filing the story under “Americas” rather than “Terror”. 400 clowns have gathered in Mexico City for four days of intensive workshops and competition on the general theme of giving small children lifelong psychological problems.

Where are Al Qaeda when you need them?

Not content with giving everyone the willies, these pasty-faced freaks are demanding subsidies for their perverted “lifestyle”:

"We would like the government to be aware of our existence," Tomas Morales, known as "Llanton Clown", told the Associated Press news agency.

"Because, in some way, we need a school for clowns."

Mr Morales, doubtless a relative of Bolivia’s narco-terrorist President Evo, intends to gather his legions to perform for free outside the Mexican parliament to raise awareness of their plight. And if they don’t get what they want, they’ll do it again, and again, and again…

"To be a clown is something really serious” says conference organiser Pingo the Clown. That tells you all you need to know about them, really, doesn’t it?

A clown, yesterday. That's not funny.

Ivan’s Quote of the Week

2006-10-21T15:37:00.000-04:00

“Where is African America anyway?”

- courtesy of the Venture Brothers on Adult Swim.

The Venture Bros, yesterday. Absolutely addictive stuff, I’m ashamed to say…

Special Advertising Supplement

2006-10-20T07:02:00.000-04:00

Need piss-poor quality at not-terribly-low prices? Look no further than SCOTCHMAN™ brand convenience stores, serving the surly and disappointed folk of the coastal Carolinas since 1923.

Now featuring:

Passive-aggressive staff
27 different types of menthol cigarette
Extortionate mark-ups on luxuries like milk and baby formula
Authentically Glaswegian pools of piss in the restrooms
Tam-O-Shanters

Ask us about our ethnic stereotype sensitivity training!

SCOTCHMAN™ – the name you can trust… to be open at 3am, provided it hasn’t been robbed yet…

A Scotchman (sic), yesterday. Satisfaction guaranteed, or no money back…

There is no such thing as coincidence…

2006-10-19T18:12:00.000-04:00

Today on Siteminder:

Domain Name adelphia.net ? (Network)
IP Address 24.53.36.# (Adelphia)
ISP Adelphia
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : California
City : Ventura
Lat/Long : 34.2991, -119.2339 (Map)

Time of Visit Oct 19 2006 11:56:46 am
Last Page View Oct 19 2006 11:57:39 am
Visit Length 53 seconds
Page Views 2
Referring URL http://problemchildbride.com/blog/
Visit Entry Page http://diesirae.blogspot.com/
Visit Exit Page http://diesirae.blogspot.com/
Out Click 8 comments
http://www.blogger.c...D=116117016899878491
Time Zone UTC-8:00
Visitor's Time Oct 19 2006 8:56:46 am
Visit Number 30,000

A hat tip to Sam, our very own PCB, for breaking the 30k barrier for us. It’s somehow especially appropriate, given tomorrow’s post…

A typical Scotsman, yesterday. The shape of things to come?

Off the hook

2006-10-18T07:12:00.000-04:00

“Vibrant, dynamic, gravitas, ambitious, hungry and 17 other words or phrases have been banned by one of Britain's top recruitment agencies for fear of falling foul of new anti-ageism laws” reports the Telegraph. Energetic, youthful, vibrant, quick-learner and self-starter are among the others to be blacklisted.

Thank God the pressure’s off! It’s been a decade since I could credibly apply any of those words to myself, and I’m still over twenty years from retirement. At least now I don’t have to lie so shamelessly on my job applications. That kind of sustained creativity is too much like hard work for my taste.

It’s also high time we saw the older generation doing something useful for a change, instead of sitting around whining and wearing beige. What have they done for us lately, after all? Time to stop living off that whole “Greatest Generation” thing and get back in the game.

They’re forever moaning about poverty and crime, but they bring it all upon themselves. When I see them tottering out of the Post Office on pension day fumbling with fistfuls of fivers even my fingers start to twitch. If they want a retirement free from fear, we should stop giving them so much money. And no-one can accuse Wal-Mart or B&Q of that, at least…

In the first wave to hit Omaha Beach? Then a little clean-up on aisle five will hold no terrors for you.

D’ohnuts

2006-10-16T05:58:00.000-04:00

The local chapter of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation is holding an event on the Virtucon™ campus today. They’re selling donuts.

I’m not sure whether they’re fundraising or recruiting…

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-10-14T13:41:00.000-04:00

Anglophilia

…why is there no equivalent word for the Welsh?

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-10-13T07:07:00.000-04:00

This week’s winner is Cheating Spouse Private Investigators - featuring an inexhaustible supply of tawdry and depressing stories of human frailty and weakness.

The signs and portents are particularly good value. A few minutes review of the top giveaways was sufficient to establish beyond any doubt that I am not having an affair with anyone. That’s a load off my mind, frankly, as otherwise it would’ve nagged at me all day. That kind of uncertainty can destroy a marriage.

On the other hand, their top tips don’t help much with the wife, who’s at home all day with the pool boy. I suppose I should be more trusting but it’s hard not to wonder a little, given that we don’t actually have a pool.

A hat tip is due to Randall for bringing this one to our attention. But don’t be alarmed on his account, gentle readers – being a lawyer, his interest is purely professional…

My God – they’re wearing sunglasses and looking around furtively! Does their low cunning know no bounds?

“We are all individuals!”

2006-10-11T00:28:00.000-04:00

For reasons too varied and involved to go into, three women have recently confessed to me that they have tattoos. Not only that, but they show remarkable consistency in their placement – two are of the spiky, neo-Maori abstract variety on the small of the back, and the last a butterfly on a hip.

I’ve never really understood our generation’s infatuation with tattoos. Did I miss a memo? My brother and sister, who have not spoken to each other for ten years, have independently acquired almost identical celtic crosses on their upper right arms. Whoever tells them, it’s not going to be me.

Whatever. Tired of swimming against the tide, I have finally succumbed and gotten myself what was meant to be a bucking bronco, but inevitably more closely resembles My Little Pony. I even had a scroll added with “Ride ‘Em Cowboy” on it to distinguish it more clearly, but that has only made matters worse, given where it’s located.

According to the terms of their injunction, I am now required to point out that I am not affiliated with Mattel in any way. Damn them and their legalistic quibbles.

So, what tattoos do you have?

This was not what I had in mind, dammit!

Phone sex

2006-10-09T09:17:00.000-04:00

The Catholic Church presses the panic button again, this time claiming that Indian call centres are sinks of iniquity, leading innocent young girls into sin. Tho’ as they’re mostly heathen Hindus to start with, it’s hard to fathom why the Papists should care.

Turns out that a potent cocktail of a relaxed co-ed working environment and salaries far above the norm for single twenty-somethings have unleashed the inner party-animals of 1.3 million call centre staff across India.

“an informal, American-style college campus atmosphere, where there is plenty of après-shift drinking and partying”
“You're together all night in this cool, hip atmosphere and you end up getting intimate”
“staff have been caught by hidden cameras having sex in cubicles... on the staircase, in the gym and car parks during breaks”
“drains … found choked with condoms”

If that’s an example of Third World squalor and wage slavery, then sign me up. Seems the only white collar sweatshops left in the world are the ones we poor Western saps go to every day. I’ll be embarrassed to call in for an account balance from now on. Who knows what I might be interrupting?

At the very least they could let us in on the fun. Maybe get our account details, and then describe their underwear, if any. Add stockings and a web-cam, and some extra hold time for the masochists, and it’s pretty much your complete full-service offering.

It’s that kind of value-add that will truly differentiate the Indian service economy from its competition in the 21st century.

An Indian call centre, yesterday. With all those young single girls, it resembles nothing else so much as a well-stocked lake…

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-10-07T11:43:00.000-04:00

Mel Gibson in recovery:

Hot, or not?

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-10-06T07:48:00.000-04:00

This week’s winner is engrish.com, an inexhaustible supply of East Asian butchery wreaked upon our defenceless mother tongue. Orthographical errors, poor pronunciation, wholesale translation failures – all are grist to the mill of this site and its snap-happy contributors.

Low comedy? Perhaps. But then again, every example featured is genuine, so it’s not deliberately offensive. If nothing else, you’ll learn that the stereotypical Japanese confusion between “l” and “r” is well grounded in fact.

That said, it’s probably fair to say that we’d make a far worse fist of Mandarin or Japanese if we were ever moved to attempt them. There could be half a dozen equivalent sites in China and Japan having a field day at our expense and we’d never know it, ignorant cow-eyed gwai lo that we are.

But there we are. If they want to insult us in such a way that we care, they’ll just have to learn proper English, won’t they?

Japan’s export-driven economy misses a step…

What women want

2006-10-04T00:13:00.000-04:00

Interesting insights courtesy of Woman & Home magazine as they publish their survey into mature women’s greatest fears

So what keeps women over 40 awake at night?

Children's future 55 %
Health risks 45%
Financial difficulties 43 %
Breast cancer 36 %
Rising crime 27 %
Immigration 19 %
Threat of terrorism 12 %
Menopause 12 %
Splitting with partner 11%
Trapped on capsized cruise ship with B-list movie stars 9%

This top ten list is superficially uncontroversial, until one notes that international terrorism edges out divorce, despite the relative frequency of the latter compared to the former.

It’s a sad reflection on the modern male that, once he’s fathered her chosen number of kids (or at least naively paid for the pool boy’s ‘til they are old enough for her to go back to work), the female has very little reason to keep him around. Only inertia and some fragile residue of sentiment stand between hubby and an abrupt exile to the local roach-motel apartment complex down the street, minus his SUV and his 401k.

Now that my own sweet wifey has the four kids she’s always pined for, I don’t mind telling you, I’m treading a little more carefully myself. The last thing I need is to be forced back on the market at my advanced age. It was bad enough before the grey hair and the furrowed brow. In my experience, what women want is almost invariably someone else…

A broken nail, yesterday (7%). One of the very few things that scare women over 40 less than dumping their husbands, alongside losing their glasses (6%), laddered tights (5%), and running out of milk (3%).

Making a virtue of necessity

2006-10-02T07:17:00.000-04:00

An acquaintance at work directs the conversation towards the subject of vices, during one of our occasional smoke breaks.

Sadly, I reflect that I only have the one vice left, and I’m doing it. He looks to see if my hands are in my pockets, but I waggle my cigarette at him, and comprehension dawns.

After further reflection, he says that if that’s the only vice we have, we’re not so bad, but I’m not so sure. After all, I don't have time for any of the other solo vices, and no-one seems interested in the mixed doubles events, so I can hardly claim to be good on those grounds alone. Where there is no temptation, one cannot have resisted it.

Maybe some particularly kind-hearted or otherwise mentally-impaired female will offer to go halves on another vice sometime, and then I can put my mettle to a genuine test. In the meantime, the most I have to struggle with is walking past the break-room snack machine without emptying all my change into it. And as long as they refuse to stock fifths of Bourbon in the damn thing, that is no great sacrifice.

So what’re your vices?

Some vices, yesterday. Curiously, smoking, sexism and fatty foods are omitted in favour of Idolatry, Greed, Lust and Anger. Somebody’s overdue for some sensitivity training…

Ars gratia fascium

2006-09-30T17:19:00.000-04:00

This week - the damning verdict that every artist dreads…

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-09-29T07:28:00.000-04:00

This week’s winner is Modern Drunkard Magazine - an invaluable repository of all things lush-related.

About three articles in you realize that this is not some trendy tongue-in-cheek lifestyle deal after all – all of the subjects are genuine crash-and-burn alcoholics, as are most of the contributors. In fact, that realization will be unavoidable halfway through your first article if you start with Drunkard of the Month:

If I’m on the street I’ll buy a fifth of Early Times and a 16oz Coca Cola and get to it. Or I buy three cases of American Beer if I think it’s gonna be a long night. The other option is a bottle of good ol’ Irish Rose. It’s like Mad Dog 20/20. You could get mashed on that for five dollars…

The humour is a little forced sometimes, a bit like the 4am stragglers at a dying party who know it’s over but carry on regardless in the hope of recapturing the mood. But it’s almost worth it for the disquisition into alcohol in Star Trek, where the Vulcans are dismissed as “the designated drivers of the Universe”. At last a Trekkie who gives Scottie his due.

James Doohan, yesterday, idol of nerdy alcoholics everywhere. Also remembered for the classic line: “Laddie, if I had Alzheimers, I think I’d remember!” Slainte Mhath…

The Laughing Noam

2006-09-26T07:20:00.000-04:00

Noam Chomsky’s already ample retirement fund gets an unexpected boost as Hugo Chavez’s impromptu recommendation of his latest work sends it shooting up the Amazon hit list.

In other reviews, a Herr Hitler of Salzburg warmly recommends The Merry Widow, by Franz Lehár.

It’s not hard to see the appeal that “Hegemony or Survival: America's Quest for Global Dominance” might have for our Hugo…

“America is just as much a terrorist state as any other government or rogue organization”
“the repression of other nations' citizenry is, in fact, the very reason Americans support certain foreign leaders”
“current U.S. policies in Afghanistan and Iraq are … the continuation of a consistent half-century of … "imperial grand strategy" in which the United States has attempted to maintain its hegemony through the threat or use of military force"

I’m sure that the elegant Mr Chomsky would be the first to point out the shortcomings of Chavism, and the dangers of religious extremism, or even the fundamentally corrupt nature of the UN. But alas he has not yet found the time to comment on these matters in print, while of course anything trashing the US flies off the shelves at $28 a pop.

Still, doubtless he is suitably shame-faced.

As for the readership, in case they’re still insufficiently outraged by the abyssal evil of American foreign policy, Amazon is on the case:

People who bought this book also purchased…
“Why I idolise all peoples and cultures except my own”
“Flag-burning for Dummies”
“The Little Rich College Girl’s Guide to Making Daddy Angry” - now comes with free software for selecting the most alarming ethnic boyfriend!
“101 Ways to Avoid Work for Yet Another Damned Year”
“Harry Potter and the Prisoners of Abu Ghraib”

One commentator likened Chavez’s foray into literary criticism to Oprah’s Book Club. Oprah? That woman’s a monster…

The Boyfriend Select-O-Matic, yesterday. This miracle of modern science caters to all combinations of colour, creed, and elite social status to identify exactly the right type of boyfriend to guarantee Daddy’s first embolism…

Manbird of Alcatraz

2006-09-25T06:07:00.000-04:00

I make my daily visit to the company gym.

Another of the regulars there, apropos of nothing, vouchsafes to me that she is ordering a special backpack for her African Grey parrot, so that she can take it out with her on hiking trips, presumably to torment it with panoramic views of freedom while it remains trapped in its hi-tech mobile cage. Pounding the treadmill next to me, the proud owner is happily oblivious to the irony of the entire concept.

And hiking is not the only extra-mural activity she shares with her bird. According to her, it also enjoys drive-in movies, with a marked prediliction for Hitchcock retrospectives. That’s not to say that the poor creature is some sort of sad, unidimensional character. “Sleepless In Seattle”, starring Meg Ryan, is another favourite. We are dealing with a complex and well-rounded personality here. The parrot, that is, not Meg Ryan, who tends to attack her own reflection in the dressing room mirror whenever left unattended.

While I sympathise – who could ever get enough of “Rear Window”, after all? - I can’t say I approve. I wouldn’t give a parrot the car keys no matter what, and I doubt that it’s insured.

Experts advise that the African Grey is one of the largest and most high-maintenance parrot breeds, and provide a handy three-step guide to recognizing one in the wild:
1) is it large?
2) is it grey?
3) does it have (a) feathers or (b) a trunk?

If the answer to 3 is (b), what you’ve got hold of there is an elephant. Superficial resemblances to the contrary, these are not actually parrots at all, and respond very badly to being placed in small cages and expected to roost on a twig. Let it go and try again.

Some African Greys, yesterday, in their natural habitat. Polly wants some trail mix…

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-09-23T18:22:00.000-04:00

Chernobyl, twenty years on – and the Sunday Irae asks the question that’s on everybody’s lips…

“Where are all the mutant superheroes, then?”

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-09-22T07:25:00.000-04:00

This week, why not sample the manifold pleasures of Crap Towns by The Idler?

The possibilities are endless. Look up your own, or learn about others. Plan your next holiday via a process of elimination. After all, if your destination is on this list, chances are you’re not going to want to go there. Or at least you won’t want to after you’ve looked it up. Think of all the money you’ll save.

Thanks to this site, I now know that I was born in a low level concrete disaster, full of anorak-clad deformed pensioners… one of the few places I know of that you can still buy a lime green shell suit, and grew up in a town full of grubby drunks, Poundsaver shops, middle-aged Goths, and… seething towers of adidas trash. Explains a lot, really…

What’s your nomination for crappest town?

Crap Towns, yesterday – also available in book form for the truly discriminating nihilist.

From Brussels with love

2006-09-19T23:20:00.000-04:00

Another small milestone is passed, as visit 25000 is clocked up on Sitemeter. I wouldn’t have bothered to mention it, only the address of our mystery guest caught my eye…

Domain Name eu.int ? (Unknown)
IP Address 158.169.131.# (Commission Europeenne)
ISP Commission Europeenne
Continent : Europe
Country : Belgium (Facts)
State/Region : Brabant
City : Linkebeek
Lat/Long : 50.7667, 4.3333 (Map)

Time of Visit Sep 18 2006 11:07:04 am
Last Page View Sep 18 2006 11:09:05 am
Visit Length 2 minutes 1 second
Page Views 3
Referring URL http://chasemeladies.blogspot.com/
Visit Entry Page http://diesirae.blog...arth-in-balance.html
Visit Exit Page http://diesirae.blog...arth-in-balance.html
Out Click
Time Zone UTC+1:00
Visitor's Time Sep 18 2006 5:07:04 pm
Visit Number 25,000

Two full minutes, they spent – which translates into nearly EUR 300 based on the pay scale of the average EU flunky. That might seem a lot to you or I, but of course in the European Commission that’ll barely buy you a quickie with the office catamite, with nothing left over for having any awkward investigative journalists arrested. Happily for our hard-pressed public servants, that’s a service the Belgian Police are content to supply for free.

Sharp-eyed and/or overly retentive readers will spot something of a pattern emerging here, seeing as #20,000 was someone in the Australian Ministry of Defence. Could it be that all my readers are tax-fattened hyenas leaching off the public tit and surfing my feeble offerings in their ample free time? I’d hate to live in a world where that could be true. I’d go and check a sample of other visits to find out, but that’s too much like hard work, which would wreck my chances of ever landing an equivalent job someday.

Of course, this could just be Aunty M swinging by to see if I’ve produced anything fit for human consumption lately. Even from here, I can almost hear her heartfelt sigh of disappointment. Sorry, Aunty…

Aunty M, yesterday. To paraphrase my good friend Bender, whenever I say “Destroy all Eurocrats”, I always whisper “…except one”.

The hardest word

2006-09-18T00:19:00.000-04:00

That Papal apology in full…

Not to worry – soon the EU will be able simply to sling him in gaol:

“[Muslims’] readiness to take offense is not yet terrorism--but it is a sign of the deep-down insecurity of the Muslim psyche in the modern world. In the presence of Islam, we all feel, you have to tread carefully, as though humoring a dangerous animal. The Koran must never be questioned; Islam must be described as a religion of peace… and jokes about the prophet are an absolute no-no. If religion comes up in conversation, best to slip quietly away, accompanying your departure with abject apologies for the Crusades. And in Europe this pussyfooting is now being transcribed into law, with "Islamophobia" already a crime in Belgium and movements across the continent to censor everything at which a Muslim might take offence, including articles like this one.”

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, yesterday.

Best. Pope. Ever.

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-09-16T13:16:00.000-04:00

If Manuel II Paleologus was so wrong…

…why can’t we find the Byzantine Empire on a map?

Monstrous regiment

2006-09-15T07:17:00.000-04:00

Proving once again that there’s nothing new under the Sun, the wives and girlfriends of Colombian gangsters have called a sex strike in an effort to get their men to - ahem - quit waving their pistols around.

The “Crossed Knees” strike, by women in the city of Pereira, is now in its second week. No word yet on whether local kleenex manufacturers have come out in sympathy.

Alert readers will spot the resemblance to the Ancient Greek play Lysistrata by Aristophanes, where the women of Athens organise a similar strike with their counterparts in Sparta, to end a twenty-year-old war. Eventually successful in their aim, they relent, resulting in an eye-opening final scene when you consider that for such comedies the male characters sported three-foot-long leather cocks, and that the female characters were also played by men.

Let’s hope that the brave and self-disciplined women of Pereira can bring their own campaign to the same happy, if flushed and sticky, end. And that the men remember - in their haste to make up for lost time - to check for trannies…

The women of Athens take the oath, yesterday. Not that crossed knees would’ve done them much good, knowing the predilictions of Greek men…

Glass half full

2006-09-13T07:10:00.000-04:00

Joy tempered by a vague cloud of suspicion, as three Mexican shark fishermen are found alive after nine months adrift at sea, surviving on raw fish and rain water.

Gaunt yet grateful, the threesome ascribe their continued existence to the Bible that they had on board with them. Now, that wouldn’t have been the first thing on my list when equipping a fishing expedition, but it’s probably not a bad choice, given a limited budget. We can’t all have GPS and decent radios, after all – otherwise how would we know if we were rich jerks or not?

Naturally, being Mexicans, they are not entirely trusted even by their rescuers. Some suggest that they were running drugs, while others ask whether their two dead colleagues did in fact die of thirst. Subliminal suggestions of cannibalism circle the unhappy trio like sharks around their rudderless boat.

Well, if they did chow down on their companions to survive, it wouldn’t be the first time. That’s the law of the sea – quite literally, as men have on several occasions been cleared of murder when, in the desperate circumstances of a shipwreck, they killed others to take their life jackets.

But maybe karma has already taken steps to restore the balance. After nine months of ripping the throats out of seagulls with their teeth, they end up on the Marshall Islands. The least fate could do was pitch them up on US shores. Santa Barbara, say, or even Seattle.

But if it’s any consolation to the families of the dead, we do know that the others didn’t eat them alive. After all, they weren’t driven ashore in LA, either…

Salvador Ordonez, Jesus Vidana and Lucio Rendon celebrate their arrival on land with one of their rescuers, yesterday, before treating the latter to “a slap-up meal”. Police are now anxious to trace the gentleman in question…

Silver linings

2006-09-11T07:01:00.000-04:00

Animal Planet presses the Diana button, launching a 24-hour Crocodile Hunter marathon in honour of Steve Irwin.

The non-stop barrage of crikeys and sunburnt knees become a little wearing after the first six hours or so, but on the upside it does provide a handy context in which to break the news of the great man’s untimely death to the kids. The boys take it surprisingly well, the pain being dulled by the knowledge that thanks to the marathon they now have enough Crocodile Hunter on tape to last them well into their second marriages.

Now that the kids are taken care of, it’s high time we adults got a look in. I hope Clint Eastwood dies next. He’s great…

Go ahead, punk – make my day.

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-09-09T13:54:00.000-04:00

Young Paris Hilton…

…where did it all go wrong?

(via Mimi and Sal)

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-09-08T00:15:00.000-04:00

Following on from our recent discovery of treehugger porn in Norway, we find another group that is adding new dimensions to the concept of “single-issue” politics - masturbateforpeace.com.

As with the environmentalists of fuckforforest, the creators of masturbateforpeace rely on constant self-abuse to purge any aggressive instincts from their audience, so spreading peace, love, and crumpled kleenex in all directions.

While there’s probably some merit to the logic, I can’t help feeling that they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel for an angle here. Why not find a like-minded partner to achieve the same flushed and sticky end, like their eco-friendly counterparts at fuckforforest? “Make love not war” is hardly a new idea. But I dare say that, given a target audience of webby nerds, the authors have a shrewd idea of the social limitations of their clientele.

It’s just another sad reflection on the precipitate decline of community spirit in modern human interaction. The internet has a lot to answer for.

A public service announcement from masturbateforpeace.com, yesterday. Not sure what a cooter is, but I suppose you’ve got a 50/50 chance of guessing right…

Libera eas de ore leonis

2006-09-06T06:26:00.000-04:00

Tributes pour in for Australian naturalist Steve Irwin, dead at 44 after a freak accident involving a stingray.

I’m not looking forward to explaining that to the kids.

The unfortunate Mr Irwin is just the latest in a long line of wildlife documentarians to meet sticky ends at the vengeful hands of Mother Nature, such as Gerald Durrell (crushed by a python), Johnny Morris (lured out into the garden by a parrot imitating his wife, and then eaten by foxes), David Attenborough (buggered to death by gorillas, tho’ could be they got the wrong Attenborough), and David Bellamy (choked on a badger).

Of that generation of TV nature-lovers, only Bill Oddie survives. He is kept under 24-hour seclusion in a specially fortified safe-house in Birmingham, where no bird outside of fried chicken has been seen for at least twenty years. And frankly, if one has nothing but a life-sentence in Birmingham to look forward to, one might very well envy the dead. Death - unlike a ray – can eventually lose its sting…

Bill Oddie in happier days, yesterday. If you want to know why they call them twitchers, sneak up behind him and go “cheep”.

Earth in the Balance

2006-09-04T00:21:00.000-04:00

I drop my bacon sandwich this morning, on the news that the obese now outnumber the starving worldwide by a good 200 million.

Is it just me, or does the solution not pretty much suggest itself?

Eat - eat, my pretty! And win a free ticket to Darfur. Heh heh heh…

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-09-02T18:15:00.000-04:00

Divorce settlements…

- are they getting too harsh?

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-09-01T08:20:00.000-04:00

This week’s winner is kittenwar - as compulsive as it is shamelessly exploitative and deeply pointless.

The winner and loser stats make interesting reading – the latter most of all, perhaps, if only for the curiously scrawny and asiatic quality most of the really unpopular ones have in common. Bad news for Lucy Liu there, I fear.

The cute ones are all a little too saccharine for my taste, and in any case I have them all beat…

Black and White Minstrels

2006-08-30T07:12:00.000-04:00

The BBC scores yet another victory over the forces of evil as its new “diversity czar” (sic) berates the news team for hiring too many white faces.

Obviously, in these enlightened times, it goes without saying that it is somehow wrong that the faces on TV should in any way reflect the population of the country that employs them. If they’re white, that is. It might not be immediately clear as to why that is, but we can take it on trust, because a ridiculously overpaid professional grievance-monger has told us so.

But the BBC is on the case! Before you know it we’ll have a steady diet of Hutu genocidaires reporting on sub-saharan Africa, and sword-waving jihadists providing the latest updates from Samara. If none of those fascist bourgeois types who actually pay their TV licence fees can understand a word they’re saying, so much the better for “diversity”.

In any case, what such people lack in English language skills they generally make up for in body language, especially throat-cutting gestures of the unmistakable ear-to-ear variety.

But why stop there? Enough of this anthropomorphic chauvinism, I say! Let’s skip the minorites, and have the evening news presented entirely by squirrels rounded up from the bushes outside Broadcasting House. That’ll teach us…

“And now on the BBC, the News for the Deaf.”

Neither a lender nor a borrower be

2006-08-28T07:11:00.000-04:00

A touch of the Green-Eyed Monsters this morning, as we read of an unnamed 56-year-old who has somehow accumulated 57 credit cards, and a total debt of £416,000.

Apparently this fiscally-challenged individual managed to max out each and every one of these cards on fried chicken and lottery tickets, and then sat around watching daytime TV until the bailiffs turned up.

What a criminal waste. Why must it always be retards like this who get handed these golden opportunities? If I had 57 credit cards and nearly three quarters of a million dollars to play with, I’d just use a few hundred to buy a new identity, and disappear. After that my only worry would be how much to fritter away on having people killed.

But there we are. It’s all a matter of perverse incentives. In the end, credit card companies make their money off of those too stupid to compare interest rates, so they’re not motivated to hand them out to conservative types like me.

Strange that a government so keen to meddle in every other sphere of personal life should be so loath to enforce a little discipline in this one. But then again, maybe it’s not so strange after all…

An unnamed 53-year-old, yesterday, having trouble managing his loans. Alas - sad double-whammy - he’s also morally bankrupt.

Caption Competition

2006-08-26T18:52:00.000-04:00

This is what you end up with…

…when you kill all your police dogs.

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-08-25T00:17:00.000-04:00

This week’s winner is Captain Euro - quite possibly the weirdest and lamest propaganda ever made. I owe somebody a hat-tip for this, but can’t remember who put the link in one of their comments. Apologies for that - do speak up if it was you.

I’ve spent about as much time as I think is safe for anyone’s sanity on that site, but I still can’t figure out why all the baddies are circus freaks. I mean, what the hell were they smoking? Will it be Gypsies next? And how are currencies involved in any way, shape or form?

What a rip-off. Somebody’s brother-in-law (or maybe dentist) made a killing on this steaming pile of crap, that’s for sure. Your tax euros at work.

I liked that touch about one of the villains wearing Saville Row of London suits, tho’. Very subtle, that…

Captain Euro, yesterday, about to bust another subversive ring of pesky anti-fraud campaigners. God bless you, Captain Euro!

Overpopulation: just enough of me, way too much of you

2006-08-23T07:04:00.000-04:00

More Teutonic hand-wringing, as Germany turns up bottom of the European fertility league, with a score so low that there might be none of them left by the end of the century.

What a tragedy.

In fact, Germany comes out second-last in the entire world, propped up only by Hong Kong, where everyone is riddled with chronic gonorrhea. One can’t help but notice that it’s all the most dysfunctional basket cases that are breeding like pond-life. The US limps in at 137, and the EU doesn’t get a look-in until France at #151.

Current birthrates have been compared to the population explosion in Britain in the early Victorian era, where crippling child mortality was first overcome. But that was endogenous – accompanied by native social and economic progress that allowed Britain to support the increased population by, for example, exporting it to the colonies to machine-gun the locals. What’s happening here is of an entirely different order.

Nowadays some meddling medic turns up in Buttafuque, Chad, and hands out aid-funded antibiotics willy-nilly, with no concomitant effort on the part of the locals to open their economies, clean up their governments, or even to learn to read. And so within twenty years they’re all slaughtering each other over the last twig of firewood and blaming the Great Satan for it.

Bono and Bill Gates want us to do something for the poor? Well, the very first thing we can do is stop sending them medical aid.

Medicin Sans Frontieres ply their evil trade, yesterday. Bloody do-gooders…

If we beat them again, do we get to keep them?

2006-08-21T07:17:00.000-04:00

Ooops.

When will the Germans stop banging on about the war? It’s really very tiresome. You don’t catch us Brits bringing it up left and right. It’s all water under the bridge to us, of course.

And what the hell is Grass beating himself up for anyway? He was a seventeen year old conscript, for Christ’s sake – not Himmler’s personal Jew-baiter.

Seems the only people who aren’t allowed to obsess about the war are the ones who actually won it. Oh no. That would be “triumphalism”.

The SS Panzer Division Frundsberg website, yesterday. No word on whether they’ll be inviting Guenter along as yet…

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

2006-08-19T21:27:00.000-04:00

Mel Gibson, the shy genius behind Gallipoli, Braveheart, The Patriot, and the Passion of the Christ, finally speaks out…

The English

– are they all Jews?

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-08-18T07:11:00.000-04:00

This week’s winner is cynic’s heaven in the form of the Uncyclopedia - “the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit”. Another outlet for our perverted creativity, as if one were needed, courtesy of our friend and occasional commenter rodw.

Want to know who founded Canberra? Or how best to fake Churchill quotes? Or even how to survive a robot uprising? Then this is the site for you.

Curiously, there are exactly 2222 entries on George W Bush here, and only one of them gets past the first sentence without using the words “wanker”, “moron”, “cretin”, or “pet rock”. Staid Wikipedia, on the other hand, tells us that

“…he is sometimes referred to by the nickname Dubya. The nickname is often used in an admiring way by his supporters and in a derogatory way by his opponents.”

I know which one I’ll be bookmarking…

The Uncyclopedia, yesterday. Come and bathe in its warming, healing, nourishing glow.

47% of Frenchmen “very stupid” says Le Monde

2006-08-16T00:13:00.000-04:00

A sad day for France, as Libération publishes a poll wherein 47% of Frenchmen declare Jacques Chirac’s presidency to have been good for France. Even the spineless, poetry-spouting euro-trash aristo Dominique de Villepin garners a quite unjustified 36% approval rating. Has the heat gone to their smoke-addled heads?

Le Monde speculates that the unexpectedly strong showing of the French national soccer team in Germany might have inspired the voters to take a more benign view of their slimy leaders. Crook, tax cheat, fiddler of state funds to pay for a mistress and child in Japan – all is apparently forgiven as long as les bleus can still poke a winner past Portugal in extra time.

I suppose we should be grateful that they lost the final, or we might be stuck with that insufferable prick for yet another five years. Just don’t get me started on the horrible implications if England had won…

"Have you noticed how we only win the World Cup under a Labour Government?"

Villepin blue, Chirac whiter-than-white.

40% of people “would lie to pollsters” – Poll

2006-08-14T06:43:00.000-04:00

Shock and awe as Money Magazine reveals that men will lie to their wives about big purchases, and women about small ones. Not that size is important, of course. Or so I am assured.

Frankly, I find all these statistics equally bogus. All the various options on offer ultimately boil down to the same question – namely, “how much do you lie to your beloved life partner, you weaselly slimeball/chiselling bitch?”

I might pay more attention if there was some indication as to what percentage of the population would make a purchase under $100 without telling their spouse and then give some random pollster the finger? That figure is sadly not supplied…

A pollster, yesterday. Could you lie to those puppy-dog eyes?

Women who I’d rather vote for than Hillary Clinton

2006-08-12T13:17:00.000-04:00

#6: Tammy Faye Bakker

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-08-11T00:13:00.000-04:00

This week, why not take a quick peek into the abyss with Bad Gas’ merciless analysis of the Pound Store phenomenon. Viewed alongside their elaborate deconstruction of the semiotics of fried chicken restaurants, nail care parlours and dodgy fly-by-night churches, you’re sure to come away with a real and chilling insight into the horrors of the Great British underclass.

To me, not the least alarming thing about the site is its almost academic quality in both breadth and depth, not to mention the fact that the phenomena described are instantly recognizable to any Londoner. It’s hard to say what’s more depressing – that it’s all literally true, or that these folks were sufficiently motivated to go out and document it all in such loving – or at least passionate - detail.

Maybe it’s time they just moved?

The Great British Pound Store, yesterday, in its natural habitat (Newham E6, to be precise). A sight to gladden the heart of anyone sitting 3500 miles away…

Norwegian Wood

2006-08-09T06:50:00.000-04:00

Apparently keen to catch up on their Nordic cousins in the happiness stakes, Norway has come up with a bizarre combination of environmentalism and sex to motivate eco-friendly behaviours. Instead of hugging trees, young Norwegian greens find some trees and then do some very vigorous hugging of their own in their midst, for the benefit of the cameras. The results are then posted to fuckforforest.com.

The logic of the site seems to be as follows:
- Potential lumberjacks log on to fuckforforest.com to view the porn
- Visitors unconsciously come to associate trees with pleasure as they flick at speed through pic after pic to find one where the bird’s tits aren’t obscured by shrubbery
- They then masturbate like wild monkeys until, all passion spent, they deflate across their keyboards, too enervated to lift any other variety of chopper.

Mission accomplished! Another tree saved, for just the cost of a roll of film, a condom and a bit of nettle rash.

Of course, one can’t rule out the possibility that these Norwegian nudes are just having a sly dig at their Swedish neighbours and their bloody IKEA pine flatpacks. Even so, you have to admire their commitment, especially the men. Running around naked in so cold a climate is hardly likely to be flattering to the poor dears...

The fine folk of fuckforforest.com do their bit for the environment, yesterday. Make love not furniture.

Danish Bacon

2006-08-07T00:39:00.000-04:00

The world throws us yet another curve-ball as it emerges that Denmark is 'the happiest place on earth'. One wonders what makes a Dane laugh. Obviously not their cartoonists, if those Mohammed efforts were any guide. They were pants.

Switzerland, Austria and Iceland round out the top four, with sunnier climes only getting a look in at #5 in the shape of the Bahamas. This suggests a strong correlation between happiness and some undefined aspect of Teutonic culture. Danish and Icelandic girls are reputed to go like the clappers, so maybe that’s it. I hadn’t heard the same of their Swiss and Austrian sisters, but I dare say that someone out there can testify on their behalf.

I’m pretty sure Heidi has milked a few bulls in her time, for a start, but then again there’s not much else to do in those isolated Alpine pastures. She is more to be pitied than to be condemned, and in any case it would be a bit hypocritical of us to give her a hard time when so many of us enjoy the results. After all, haven’t you ever wondered why the Milka Cow is purple?

Heidi hard at work yesterday, fresh from putting a smile on the faces of the local males. Note how she hides her right arm, which is now the size of Arnold Schwartzenegger’s. Try not to stare…

Women who I’d rather vote for than Hillary Clinton

2006-08-05T19:51:00.000-04:00

#5: Imelda Marcos

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-08-04T07:44:00.000-04:00

This week’s winner is Dictator of the Month, which some eagle-eyed and anally retentive readers might recall making a brief guest appearance in a previous post on our good friend Alexandr Lukashenko.

I’ve been a regular visitor since then, and I must say I have never been disappointed in its breadth and depth of tyrant-related coverage. Closing our eyes to its vaguely sinister German language sister-site, we’ll assume it’s all good tongue-in-cheek fun and leave it at that. Otherwise my ethical position would be terrible, and I’d hate to live in a world where that could be true…

Anyway, the site has added poignancy for me ever since I invented my marvellous new Alternatron, which allows me to explore alternative histories by changing key events in history. It’s amazing how many top-notch dictators there were who never got the chance to explore their full potential.

Brian Wilson, for example, was a real bastard as acting military governor of post-nuclear California.

Brian Wilson yesterday – the embodiment of ultimate evil. Oooo – makes my skin crawl just looking at him.

Measure twice, cut once

2006-08-02T07:35:00.000-04:00

A colleague of mine sees fit to bore me with her life plan for the next five years. As far as I can tell from what little I cannot avoid absorbing while pointedly playing solitaire at her, this master plan consists of
a) systematically eliminating every last Hostess candy bar in existence, and
b) acquiring cats.
At the end of said five years this activity would somehow result in professional success, a charming and wealthy husband, and some kids.

This seems to me to be pretty thin stuff. But I forbear to comment, as I am firmly in favour of planning generally and do not wish to discourage her feeble feminine efforts. Also she might start talking again, and then I’d have to kill her, dump the body, clean the carpet, construct an alibi, and so on. That’s too much like manual labour for my taste.

I love it when a plan comes together. My personal favourite has always been the Schlieffen Plan. I used to ask other people to name their favourites, and when they started answering I'd shriek "I'm askink ze qvestionz here!" in my best German accent. I considered it my humble homage to Alfred Graf von Schlieffen, but the magistrate considered it common assault. And that's why I have a restraining order.

Ironically, a little more planning on my part would probably have been helpful there.

So, go ahead then – what’s your favourite plan?

Alfred Graf von Schlieffen, yesterday – a man before his time.

ANZAC Day

2006-08-01T05:54:00.000-04:00

Mixed emotions accompany our latest little milestone, as we pass the 20,000 mark in terms of hits:

Domain Name gov.au ? (Australia)
IP Address 203.10.224.# (Australian Department of Defence)
ISP Australian Department of Defence
Location Continent : Oceania/Australasia
Country : Australia (Facts)
State/Region : Australian Capital Territory
City : Canberra
Lat/Long : -35.2833, 149.2167 (Map)

Referring URL http://diesirae.blog...ld-dads-hatband.html
Visit Entry Page http://diesirae.blogspot.com/
Visit Exit Page http://diesirae.blog...iesirae_archive.html
Out Click unwept, unhonored, and unsung - http://journals.aol....ppleaDay/entries/511
Time Zone UTC+9:00
Visitor's Time Jul 31 2006 5:15:28 pm
Visit Number 20,000

Department of Defence? I wonder what key words I managed to trigger. The post mentions gays, but this is the Australian DoD we’re talking about here, not the British one, so that can’t be it.

Anyway, they obviously have time on their hands down there, as once in our mystery guest was in no hurry to leave…

Time of Visit Jul 31 2006 3:15:28 am
Last Page View Jul 31 2006 3:26:52 am
Visit Length 11 minutes 24 seconds
Page Views 2

Your tax dollars at work.

Far be it for me to begrudge anyone their little break. At least Defence is a department with a real purpose in life, unlike those wastrels at Education or Health. So, many happy returns, whoever you are - you have taken us a small yet significant step further in our journey, and we salute you for it!

The ranks and insignia of the Australian Defence Forces, yesterday. Apparently this blog is now an honorary Seaman, tho’ I may have misheard…

Lies, damned lies, and the BBC

2006-07-31T12:06:00.000-04:00

Aunty Beeb continues her sad decline into lefty-induced institutional Alzheimers, as she posts this shocking exposé on child porn.

Apparently, 50% of paedophile content worldwide is produced in the US. Or posted there. Or just copied from servers in other countries. They don’t tell us, probably because it didn’t occur to them to ask.

Nor do they find room to note that over 80% of all other internet content comes from the US.

Comparing those two stats, by implication, it is foreigners of various stripes who are disproportionately active in turning out this stomach-churning filth. After all, practically all of Russia’s web output is child porn and horse-fucking hookers. Yet for some reason the BBC’s chosen headline is “US 'worst' for online child abuse” rather than “Everyone else really into kiddie-diddling”.

It’s probably too much to ask for them to hire the occasional Atlanticist, but the least they could do is find people who can count…

Update! Le Monde joins the fray, proclaiming the US to be the world’s greatest exporter of spam emails. Well, duuuuh. Bit rich of them to complain, when they’re always moaning that no-one in America speaks their bloody language. Either give the Yanks some credit or blame the Quebecois, you whiny bastards…

The source of all evil, yesterday. Depraved non-American pornographers not pictured.

Women who I’d rather vote for than Hillary Clinton

2006-07-29T16:21:00.000-04:00

#4: Lassie

OK, so the dogs playing Lassie were actually male. Whatever. Better a dog than that bitch…

Ivan’s Site of the Week

2006-07-28T07:28:00.000-04:00

In the interests of balance, after featuring Mil Millington’s marathon piece of character assassination a few weeks ago, this week’s winner is Things My Boyfriend Says.

Personally, I think the guys got the better end of the deal. And deservedly so, naturally…

A pickup truck, yesterday. Mother Nature takes another one for the team.

Had we but world enough, and time

2006-07-25T23:58:00.000-04:00

More “dog bites man” news this morning, as we read that one in nine women prefers chores to sex. When survey companies resort to laboriously “proving” such staple fare of third-rate comedians worldwide, it is a sure sign that business is slow and the silly season is upon us.

“like any other household chore”
“an irritating annoyance”
“only enjoyable for men”

Naturally, the temptation is to blame the men for these problems, and it does not help that one’s first sight of the naked male generally engenders reminders to put brussel sprouts on the shopping list. But one can’t help but wonder whether we are not confusing cause and effect here. After all, if one goes into something expecting to be bored, one is very likely to be proven right.

In my younger years, I found myself on several occasions putting considerable effort into pleasing a young lady in a variety of ways met with rave reviews elsewhere, only to founder against their native disinterest in the act itself. My repertoire exhausted and the cliffs unbreached, these encounters invariably ended with the girl’s impatient invitation to “go ahead – don’t wait for me”, whereupon passion flopped lifeless on that cruel and rocky shore.

Of course, I might just be a poor picker. I certainly seemed to have a knack for choosing lesbians, if the number who were lesbians the next morning was anything to go by.

“The Welsh, both men and women, said they were having sex more frequently than adults in other regions.” Doesn’t say with what, tho’.

Lubricious Wales, yesterday. Just one big al-fresco brothel, that place…

Industrial Accident

2006-07-24T06:38:00.000-04:00

Her Majesty’s Inspectorate for Health and Safety takes a controversial stand, as it decrees that holding horrified Brazilians face-down on the floor and pumping seven dum-dum bullets into their heads “shows insufficient regard for their health, safety and welfare”.

And that’s not all! Just to ensure that the message is not lost upon the insouciant Chief Constable Sir Ian Blair and his trigger-happy plods, the Metropolitan Police can expect to pay a very heavy fine!

For shooting an innocent man. Seven times. In the head. With dum-dum bullets.

That’ll teach them.

Of course, no-one in the Met will be expected to stump up any money personally. No, no – that’s just for losers like you and me, caught by a speed camera or nabbed feeding the parking meter. No indeed – for the Met, it’ll be the taxpayer who coughs up, which, come to think of it, would be us again.

Mr de Menezes was by all accounts a quiet and law-abiding young man. I dare say he paid his taxes too. Maybe he’ll get a rebate?

You know, either prosecute someone for murder, or call him collateral damage and move on. To make him a health and safety issue is just insulting beyond belief. If all Blairs end up sharing this unfathomable abyss of mealy-mouthed moral bankruptcy, no wonder Eric Arthur Blair changed his name…

Oopsie. The HSE has also demanded rubber floors on all tube trains, so police officers don’t slip on the blood next time.