There’s no candles for you
‘cos you’re simply too new
You’re a white male so you’re guilty
But at least you’re not a Jew
Please join me in welcoming to the world Terriblet #4, who was born, to the great relief of all concerned, at 12.48pm this morning by scheduled caesarian.
Like most projects, the only thing that went to plan was the starting time, and we ended up in a scrum of surgeons and vascular specialists all shouting things like "clamp!", "suction!", and "everything is under control!” Turns out that some previously unsuspected varicosity had bottled up about 40 gallons of blood under high pressure in the wife’s right leg and abdomen, and the caesarean incision unwittingly liberated all of it at once. It was really quite a sight, especially if you were a fan of Jackson Pollock in his famous “Arterial Red” period.
However, after twenty minutes of colour and excitement, they stopped the bleeding and went on to extract the boy, who was still in the womb and blissfully unaware of current events.
My personal highlight was the moment when the duty obstetrician gave me some hurried reassurance over the curtain across wifey’s chest, ending by reflex with a big "thumbs-up". In a rubber glove. Which was literally dripping with blood. For an exquisite split second my eyes flicked to the thumb. His eyes followed. The hand disappeared so fast a single drop was left spinning in space, a bit like Wyle E Coyote just after his rocket runs out of fuel.
Mother and baby are now doing fine.
He's named for a certain Irish saint who, according to legend, sailed to America in a coracle in the early sixth century, snuck in on a tourist visa, and overstayed by seven years doing barwork and voice-overs for "Lucky Charm" cereal commercials. Seemed appropriate, somehow.
While not built on the herculean scale of his two brothers (10.5lbs and 11lbs) #4 is keeping up the family tradition for size (being 10lbs 1oz and 21 inches long) and is certainly not short on appetite or lung-power. All being well he’ll be coming home on Monday. Meanwhile, please keep your fingers crossed for mother and child - especially #4 as he towels himself off after his own personal voyage of discovery…
A bright, shiny new American, this afternoon. Acclimatising nicely there by being a big noisy layabout.