Friday, July 07, 2006

Another damned immigrant jumps the queue

OK, all together now - a quick chorus of the approved Democratic Party Serenade for Newborn Ethnic Caucasian Males (sung to the tune of “happy birthday to you”):

There’s no candles for you
‘cos you’re simply too new
You’re a white male so you’re guilty
But at least you’re not a Jew

Please join me in welcoming to the world Terriblet #4, who was born, to the great relief of all concerned, at 12.48pm this morning by scheduled caesarian.

Like most projects, the only thing that went to plan was the starting time, and we ended up in a scrum of surgeons and vascular specialists all shouting things like "clamp!", "suction!", and "everything is under control!” Turns out that some previously unsuspected varicosity had bottled up about 40 gallons of blood under high pressure in the wife’s right leg and abdomen, and the caesarean incision unwittingly liberated all of it at once. It was really quite a sight, especially if you were a fan of Jackson Pollock in his famous “Arterial Red” period.

However, after twenty minutes of colour and excitement, they stopped the bleeding and went on to extract the boy, who was still in the womb and blissfully unaware of current events.

My personal highlight was the moment when the duty obstetrician gave me some hurried reassurance over the curtain across wifey’s chest, ending by reflex with a big "thumbs-up". In a rubber glove. Which was literally dripping with blood. For an exquisite split second my eyes flicked to the thumb. His eyes followed. The hand disappeared so fast a single drop was left spinning in space, a bit like Wyle E Coyote just after his rocket runs out of fuel.

Mother and baby are now doing fine.

He's named for a certain Irish saint who, according to legend, sailed to America in a coracle in the early sixth century, snuck in on a tourist visa, and overstayed by seven years doing barwork and voice-overs for "Lucky Charm" cereal commercials. Seemed appropriate, somehow.

While not built on the herculean scale of his two brothers (10.5lbs and 11lbs) #4 is keeping up the family tradition for size (being 10lbs 1oz and 21 inches long) and is certainly not short on appetite or lung-power. All being well he’ll be coming home on Monday. Meanwhile, please keep your fingers crossed for mother and child - especially #4 as he towels himself off after his own personal voyage of discovery…


A bright, shiny new American, this afternoon. Acclimatising nicely there by being a big noisy layabout.

20 comments:

HA HA HA said...

st brenan! wahooo! congratalatoins!

moare fiter to cal it a curragh then a coracle thoughh.

we gota bar in cambriedge called 'poeoplas rapublik' which is al like a soviat visual theme deal. socielist relist fiveyear plan psotars on teh wals an whatnot. but you walk in an ordar a drink an gues what acent you hear benind the bar? u guest it!

its a cople blocks form tihs one. last time i was in the're the bar staf we're all amearicans.

Ivan the Terrible said...

A Soviet Commie bar next to an Irish Commie bar? And the Pol Pot Tavern is just around the corner, I suppose? These trendy students certainly run the full gamut of political stereotypes, eh?

Thanks for the congrats, 3H. If you're in a bar this evening, don't hesitate to raise a glass to the little shaver :)

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Congratulations! What lovely news. The Problem Older Husband came to have a look at the babbie and grunted his agreement with your approved birthday song. Then he went off muttering "You laugh, but it's true. The white male IS a persecuted minority!" and something about the incompetence of government etc. Only feeding him will soothe him again, now he's settled into his persecuted groove.

I bow down before your wife and worship. 10lbs 10oz! And she managed to wait and avoid having her youngest share W's birthday. What a woman! She has my full respect.

Congratulations, Ivan. Happy news indeed. May the road always rise to meet you and your family.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Thanks, Sam - appreciate the rising road. Tell hubby he's not alone. The Underground will be in touch any day now to begin the Resistance...

Desargues said...

That looks like one healthy little Brendan to me there. Congrats to you, Ivan, but surely you did nothing more than fret about and smoke incessantly while the Irish-Hungarian prodigy was waiting at the immigration desk for his visa to the vale of tears. It's Mrs Terrible who deserves most of the kudos. And the blood-spattered surgeons who just increased the number of Caucasians by one. Good stuff, tho'. I'll be sure to raise another one tomorrow night for your little feller, and four or five more afterwards, for various causes: the economy of North Carolina, the subdued joys of blogging, friendly Anglo-Ugric relations, you name it.

Paw said...

Dear Terri,
congrats to all involved with the recent addition. He even looks like you. My little sister had a ceasarian recently so I know it's possible to make them cry with laughter.

Seamus said...

Congratulations.


(long time reader, first time poster, very lazy blogger)

Ivan the Terrible said...

Des - no such luck. They expect you to be front and centre throughout. I mean, with modern technology and all they could just page you at the bar when they're done, or keep you informed by webcam, but oh no, you have to be there in person. What is this - the Dark Ages?

Paw and Seamus - welcome and thanks!

Thomas Pauli said...

Congratulations, especially to your wife,since she was the source of all that blood you only had to endure to look at. But, mate, congrats yu didn't pass out! That's what we are here for!
Or was it this drink called 'beer'?

Cantemir said...

Hey, congratulations! Best wishes to the new boyo and to his mother who, abominable surgery or not, must be relieved to be free of that massive weight.

I'll pour a libation to Hera in your wife's honour, and to Priapus in yours, the next time I'm in my cups. Best wishes as well on the next child, come to think of it. Maybe a girl this time.

R. Sherman said...

A day or so late Ivan. I've been away. Nonetheless, congrats and well done.

I'm glad everything went well. Having endured a mere three births, I can honestly say I prefer the conception part.

Cheers.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Thanks, TP - and yes, I do indeed feel validated by my failure to faint away during the whole ghastly business. It's more than I can say for the wife, lying there the whole time doped up to the eyeballs. What a wuss...

Hi Canty - feel free to invoke the whole pantheon if it'll help wet the baby's head. I shouldn't hold your breath for #5 tho' - barring the intervention of a pitcher of margaritas and a Barry White album, we're done, thank you very much.

And Randall, it's a fair bit even the females prefer conception to birth, tho' I've known a few for whom it may well have been a photo finish.

Jane said...

Another long-time reader popping out to send congratulations :o) He looks a bonnie chap!

Ivan the Terrible said...

Thanks, Jane. Bonny and happy - so far at least :)

Lizzy said...

Yet another long-time reader leaving her first post to say congratulations to you and Mrs Terrible. I'm not sure that the emotionally inhibited English culture has any decent, Irish-style blessings available off-the-shelf, so let me just offer the young gentleman a firm handshake and hearty welcome.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Thank you Lizzy. A firm handshake and hearty welcome are just the ticket. Enough of these foreign effusions, I say. Jumping around like Italian footballers is simply undignified...

Harry Hutton said...

Congratulations.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Thanks Harry. I owe #4's existence to you, in a way. It was that Germaine Greer pic that inspired me on the night in question. Well, it's not the sort of image you can easily get out of your head...

And nobody mention tubgirl.

Aunty Marianne said...

Congrats to you and the Mrs, Ivan. I can assure you that in Belgium, as soon as they'd have realised what was going wrong, you'd have been bundled away into a nice distant waiting room faster than you can say world's best chocolate. Most of my friend daddies were.

But I bet Mrs T was glad to have your support, and by the accounts of my mummy friends, you have earned eternal brownie points for staying.

4 kids! Magnificent. What now? A Scaryduckesque few visits to Dorchester County Hospital?

Good on you both.

The Wrath of Dawn said...

Congratulations! Unfortunately, blogger was playing up when I visited and the picture of the new little Enfant Terrible wasn't available, but I'm sure he's adorable.

Best wishes to all!