No such thing as a free lunch?

One in 20 Latinos in the US regularly goes hungry complains the Hispanic civil rights group the National Council of La Raza.

OK, fine. While we’re at it, the National Bakers’ Union is complaining that its members don’t get enough blow jobs. And your point is…? Who are those universally well-fed lawyers going to sue? And on what grounds? Call a charity, or call Welfare, but for God’s sake don’t call a lawyer.

Civil rights are about not getting robbed or threatened by the State, thrown into gaol without due process, or kidnapped and murdered by corrupt cops, all of which are daily events south of the Rio Grande. Civil rights are about equality before the law. What civil rights are emphatically not about is equality of life.

Martin Luther King demanded, among other things, the right to be served at segregated lunch counters. I don’t recall him arguing the inalienable right to Japanese sweet potato and chestnut gratin once he got there. You got what was on the menu, if you could pay for it. Same goes for Manolo and friends. You don’t work, you don’t eat. You don’t like it, you go home and ask your own government to feed you. Let us know how that works out for you…

God knows, it’s not as if Whitey has a secret stash of super-healthy eating tips. They’re mostly so fat and wheezy that those lean illegals will outlive them anyway.


Tallahassee, 1956. Another lunch counter sit-in ends in defeat, as for the third day running José steals everybody else’s fries…

Diana of the Effusions

“Princes plan tribute to Diana” the Telegraph announces breathlessly.

Oh, thank God. For a moment there I thought the world was about to forget that saintly and exceptional woman.

Not for her just the traditional church service. Only a massive concert in Wembley Stadium will do for someone like Diana, who overcame crippling social advantages and embarrassingly large subsidies of everyone else’s taxes to become the world’s premier clothes horse.

“We want it to represent exactly what our mother would have wanted, how she was and all that sort of thing” explains William, with the articulacy that only the finest pedigree and years of intensive and privileged schooling can produce.

“We hope to commemorate and celebrate our mother’s life, as it’s been 10 years since she died, with a memorial service on August 31 in London” he continues, his brother squatting beside him poking a termite mound with a stick, “and then a concert, a tribute concert, celebrating her life on July 1 on her birthday.”

One’s Royal grasp on the workings of the calendar seems a little shaky there, but go easy on the poor kid, now. He’s just lost his mother after all. Or at least very likely just noticed. Maybe they switched nannies on him or something.


Building on this tremendous success, the brothers plan to follow up with a Concert for Pinochet, celebrating the life and achievements of Chile’s veteran military strongman, who died last week at the tragically late age of 91.

Given Pinochet’s long-standing association with football stadiums, the Princes have decided to book Wembley for an extra night and run both parties together. Tho’ obviously the Pinochet event will offer less in the way of music, inclining more towards the mass torture and extra-judicial execution of left-wing activists.

“Harry’s already picked out his costume, haven’t you Harry?” adds William, smiling indulgently as his brother swings idly from a nearby chandelier peeling a valet with his feet.

Of course, nothing comes easy to two such troubled youngsters, and here too there are obstacles to overcome. “The servants tell me that no-one in the Labour Party qualifies as left-wing any more, so we’ll probably have to settle for George Galloway, and make up the numbers with some Lib Dems…”

Sadly, General Pinochet’s family have already declined their invitations. “My father was a notorious fascist who for nearly twenty years held our beloved Chile in his mailed fist, murdering thousands to maintain his bloodthirsty rule” explains his daughter in a prepared statement. “He certainly would not wish to be associated with anything so indefensible as hereditary monarchy…”


William and Harry, yesterday. “We’re Royals, you know. It’s not as if we have anything else we should be doing.”

And now, the news for the dumb

“Not eating makes you die – shock” reports the Telegraph. Anorexic Brazilian model Ana Carolina Reston, who lived on an exclusive diet of apples and tomatoes, has died from kidney failure aged 21.

She is the second anorexic model to die this year. Uruguayan Luisel Ramos, 22, suffered a heart attack in August after living on lettuce leaves and Diet Coke for three months.

Something of a pattern emerging here, maybe?


Simple cause and effect seems to be challenging for South Americans generally. Dim-bulb Brazilian Cassia Aparecida de Souza, 18, made headlines recently with the claim that her cat, Mimi, had given birth to the miscegenous offspring of the neighbour’s dog, which is a first even for a country as lax in matters sexual as Brazil.

No word yet as to Ms de Souza’s stance on tomato-only diets.

Are these women representative of all South Americans in their feeble grasp on the facts of life? If so, it’s no wonder that they keep electing scumbags like Chavez and Ortega…


Is it a puppy? Is it a kitten? No, it’s a puppy. Duh.

It’s alive!

Wide-eyed innocence from the mad scientist community as they digest the outraged reactions to their plans for human-cow hybrids.

Frankenstein and co. are for some unaccountable reason short of real human eggs to butcher, the general public being notoriously conservative in these matters. Therefore they have hit upon the simple and risk-free solution of injecting human DNA into cows’ eggs, and then smooshing the mewling abominations that result to harvest their juicy, tender young stem cells. Lovely!

"This is a very rational step: to learn what you can using animal eggs, which are readily obtainable, before moving on to valuable human eggs when or if this becomes necessary" explains Professor Robin Lovell-Badge, head of developmental genetics at the National Institute for Medical Research, tossing another puppy in the blender.

It’s good to see the true spirit of pure scientific enquiry alive and well among our brave boffins. And if their unholy mutants lurch out of the castle and stroll down to the village to rip the heads off peasants, well, that’s just regrettable collateral damage in the War on Ignorance.

All in all, a small price to pay if it cures Michael J Fox of his Parkinsons’. Then maybe he’ll finally do Back to the Future IV instead of all those creepy Democratic campaign ads…


“Paging Professor Lovell-Badge to Customer Service, please. Someone would like to register a complaint.”

Maiden Aunt

Food for thought as the BBC compares Western promiscuity with those fine upstanding moralists of sub-Saharan Africa.

“Why oh why are Westerners such sluts compared to Ethiopians?” Aunty Beeb asks us, shaking her head sadly. Probably for the same reason that they punch out four times as many kids, despite having fewer partners – they have no condoms.

I would also add that they live in a shithole with nothing else to do, but seeing as there is no baby-boom in Birmingham I must reluctantly lay that argument aside.

Nevertheless, it must be significant that every single man in Ethiopia between the ages of 35 and 39 is getting laid. I mean to say, every single one. You’d think their tourist board would’ve made some hay out of that little data point by now. But no, they’re sticking with “Ethiopia – bring food!” for the twenty third year running. Those Saatchis have really lost their edge, if you ask me.

Once again the BBC manages to simultaneously patronise the Third World while slagging off its own nation and culture. Too many of those spineless lefties seem to be auditioning for jobs under the first sharia government. No-one beats a socialist when it comes to getting their surrender in early – as Francois “Mr Vichy” Mitterand would be the first to tell you...


Compare and contrast: liberal democracy and emancipated females vs third world goat-herding – which is superior? Think you know? Aunty knows better!

Diminishing returns

The Daily Telegraph entertains and informs again with its excellent “your view” section, where readers provide their considered opinions on the issues of the day.

I find a lively debate, inspired by the Archbishop of Canterbury, regarding whether full-time working mothers are detrimental to family cohesion and children’s welfare.

Among the predictable pearls thrown up by those with nothing better to do all day than take the Archbishop of Canterbury seriously, I alight upon this little gem, posted by a Mr Arnold Ward:

My wife and I both work around 75% which seems to work for us and our two children - maybe this is a model that should be more universally adopted.

Truly we are in the presence of genius. He continues…

Moreover, just because they are women does not mean that they are going make great mothers, my own mother was not temperamentally well suited to childcare - try as she might.

Evidently, she was not much cop at elementary statistics or basic logic, either. On the other hand, I do hope she’s still hale enough to hotfoot it round to his place and kick his sorry, ungrateful and mathematically-illiterate ass all over the room.

For his next trick, Mr Ward will solve income inequality by giving everyone a 10% pay rise…


Mr Ward’s grasp of numbers is eight today. Many happy returns!

Off the hook

“Vibrant, dynamic, gravitas, ambitious, hungry and 17 other words or phrases have been banned by one of Britain's top recruitment agencies for fear of falling foul of new anti-ageism laws” reports the Telegraph. Energetic, youthful, vibrant, quick-learner and self-starter are among the others to be blacklisted.

Thank God the pressure’s off! It’s been a decade since I could credibly apply any of those words to myself, and I’m still over twenty years from retirement. At least now I don’t have to lie so shamelessly on my job applications. That kind of sustained creativity is too much like hard work for my taste.

It’s also high time we saw the older generation doing something useful for a change, instead of sitting around whining and wearing beige. What have they done for us lately, after all? Time to stop living off that whole “Greatest Generation” thing and get back in the game.

They’re forever moaning about poverty and crime, but they bring it all upon themselves. When I see them tottering out of the Post Office on pension day fumbling with fistfuls of fivers even my fingers start to twitch. If they want a retirement free from fear, we should stop giving them so much money. And no-one can accuse Wal-Mart or B&Q of that, at least…


In the first wave to hit Omaha Beach? Then a little clean-up on aisle five will hold no terrors for you.

“We are all individuals!”

For reasons too varied and involved to go into, three women have recently confessed to me that they have tattoos. Not only that, but they show remarkable consistency in their placement – two are of the spiky, neo-Maori abstract variety on the small of the back, and the last a butterfly on a hip.

I’ve never really understood our generation’s infatuation with tattoos. Did I miss a memo? My brother and sister, who have not spoken to each other for ten years, have independently acquired almost identical celtic crosses on their upper right arms. Whoever tells them, it’s not going to be me.

Whatever. Tired of swimming against the tide, I have finally succumbed and gotten myself what was meant to be a bucking bronco, but inevitably more closely resembles My Little Pony. I even had a scroll added with “Ride ‘Em Cowboy” on it to distinguish it more clearly, but that has only made matters worse, given where it’s located.

According to the terms of their injunction, I am now required to point out that I am not affiliated with Mattel in any way. Damn them and their legalistic quibbles.

So, what tattoos do you have?


This was not what I had in mind, dammit!

The Laughing Noam

Noam Chomsky’s already ample retirement fund gets an unexpected boost as Hugo Chavez’s impromptu recommendation of his latest work sends it shooting up the Amazon hit list.

In other reviews, a Herr Hitler of Salzburg warmly recommends The Merry Widow, by Franz Lehár.

It’s not hard to see the appeal that “Hegemony or Survival: America's Quest for Global Dominance” might have for our Hugo…

“America is just as much a terrorist state as any other government or rogue organization”
“the repression of other nations' citizenry is, in fact, the very reason Americans support certain foreign leaders”
“current U.S. policies in Afghanistan and Iraq are … the continuation of a consistent half-century of … "imperial grand strategy" in which the United States has attempted to maintain its hegemony through the threat or use of military force"

I’m sure that the elegant Mr Chomsky would be the first to point out the shortcomings of Chavism, and the dangers of religious extremism, or even the fundamentally corrupt nature of the UN. But alas he has not yet found the time to comment on these matters in print, while of course anything trashing the US flies off the shelves at $28 a pop.

Still, doubtless he is suitably shame-faced.

As for the readership, in case they’re still insufficiently outraged by the abyssal evil of American foreign policy, Amazon is on the case:

People who bought this book also purchased…
“Why I idolise all peoples and cultures except my own”
“Flag-burning for Dummies”
“The Little Rich College Girl’s Guide to Making Daddy Angry” - now comes with free software for selecting the most alarming ethnic boyfriend!
“101 Ways to Avoid Work for Yet Another Damned Year”
“Harry Potter and the Prisoners of Abu Ghraib”

One commentator likened Chavez’s foray into literary criticism to Oprah’s Book Club. Oprah? That woman’s a monster…


The Boyfriend Select-O-Matic, yesterday. This miracle of modern science caters to all combinations of colour, creed, and elite social status to identify exactly the right type of boyfriend to guarantee Daddy’s first embolism…

The hardest word

That Papal apology in full…

Not to worry – soon the EU will be able simply to sling him in gaol:

“[Muslims’] readiness to take offense is not yet terrorism--but it is a sign of the deep-down insecurity of the Muslim psyche in the modern world. In the presence of Islam, we all feel, you have to tread carefully, as though humoring a dangerous animal. The Koran must never be questioned; Islam must be described as a religion of peace… and jokes about the prophet are an absolute no-no. If religion comes up in conversation, best to slip quietly away, accompanying your departure with abject apologies for the Crusades. And in Europe this pussyfooting is now being transcribed into law, with "Islamophobia" already a crime in Belgium and movements across the continent to censor everything at which a Muslim might take offence, including articles like this one.”

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, yesterday.

Best. Pope. Ever.

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

If Manuel II Paleologus was so wrong…

…why can’t we find the Byzantine Empire on a map?

Black and White Minstrels

The BBC scores yet another victory over the forces of evil as its new “diversity czar” (sic) berates the news team for hiring too many white faces.

Obviously, in these enlightened times, it goes without saying that it is somehow wrong that the faces on TV should in any way reflect the population of the country that employs them. If they’re white, that is. It might not be immediately clear as to why that is, but we can take it on trust, because a ridiculously overpaid professional grievance-monger has told us so.

But the BBC is on the case! Before you know it we’ll have a steady diet of Hutu genocidaires reporting on sub-saharan Africa, and sword-waving jihadists providing the latest updates from Samara. If none of those fascist bourgeois types who actually pay their TV licence fees can understand a word they’re saying, so much the better for “diversity”.

In any case, what such people lack in English language skills they generally make up for in body language, especially throat-cutting gestures of the unmistakable ear-to-ear variety.

But why stop there? Enough of this anthropomorphic chauvinism, I say! Let’s skip the minorites, and have the evening news presented entirely by squirrels rounded up from the bushes outside Broadcasting House. That’ll teach us…


“And now on the BBC, the News for the Deaf.”

Lies, damned lies, and the BBC

Aunty Beeb continues her sad decline into lefty-induced institutional Alzheimers, as she posts this shocking exposé on child porn.

Apparently, 50% of paedophile content worldwide is produced in the US. Or posted there. Or just copied from servers in other countries. They don’t tell us, probably because it didn’t occur to them to ask.

Nor do they find room to note that over 80% of all other internet content comes from the US.

Comparing those two stats, by implication, it is foreigners of various stripes who are disproportionately active in turning out this stomach-churning filth. After all, practically all of Russia’s web output is child porn and horse-fucking hookers. Yet for some reason the BBC’s chosen headline is “US 'worst' for online child abuse” rather than “Everyone else really into kiddie-diddling”.

It’s probably too much to ask for them to hire the occasional Atlanticist, but the least they could do is find people who can count…

Update! Le Monde joins the fray, proclaiming the US to be the world’s greatest exporter of spam emails. Well, duuuuh. Bit rich of them to complain, when they’re always moaning that no-one in America speaks their bloody language. Either give the Yanks some credit or blame the Quebecois, you whiny bastards…


The source of all evil, yesterday. Depraved non-American pornographers not pictured.

Industrial Accident

Her Majesty’s Inspectorate for Health and Safety takes a controversial stand, as it decrees that holding horrified Brazilians face-down on the floor and pumping seven dum-dum bullets into their heads “shows insufficient regard for their health, safety and welfare”.

And that’s not all! Just to ensure that the message is not lost upon the insouciant Chief Constable Sir Ian Blair and his trigger-happy plods, the Metropolitan Police can expect to pay a very heavy fine!

For shooting an innocent man. Seven times. In the head. With dum-dum bullets.

That’ll teach them.

Of course, no-one in the Met will be expected to stump up any money personally. No, no – that’s just for losers like you and me, caught by a speed camera or nabbed feeding the parking meter. No indeed – for the Met, it’ll be the taxpayer who coughs up, which, come to think of it, would be us again.

Mr de Menezes was by all accounts a quiet and law-abiding young man. I dare say he paid his taxes too. Maybe he’ll get a rebate?

You know, either prosecute someone for murder, or call him collateral damage and move on. To make him a health and safety issue is just insulting beyond belief. If all Blairs end up sharing this unfathomable abyss of mealy-mouthed moral bankruptcy, no wonder Eric Arthur Blair changed his name…


Oopsie. The HSE has also demanded rubber floors on all tube trains, so police officers don’t slip on the blood next time.

Most of the world still populated by idiots

More good news for democracy and freedom courtesy of Le Monde, this time from New Zealand, where the population can look forward to swapping fear of Islamic fascism for the protection of a slightly older model of the same:

Le 17 mai, une cinquantaine d'étudiants chinois de l'université de Massey, en Nouvelle-Zélande, ont manifesté leur colère devant les locaux du journal de la faculté. Impertinent, le magazine avait consacré sa couverture à un photomontage féminisant Mao, moulé dans une robe sexy, collier autour du cou, élégante comme une midinette. Les jeunes Chinois de Nouvelle-Zélande ont vu là un sacrilège comparable aux "caricatures anti-Mahomet". "Le président Mao, c'est un Jésus pour nous", s'est étranglé d'émotion un manifestant, cité dans la presse néo-zélandaise. Des excuses ont été réclamées.

Mao as Jesus? Hardly. If Jesus was the standard, then his fans would have to hold still while avant-garde artists dunked busts of him in buckets of horse piss. But no – this is Mao as Mohammed: a far more appropriate comparison, given that Mao too was a sociopathic child rapist and mass murderer. What odds a “peaceful rise” with that attitude?

These arrogant young piss-and-vinegar Chinese have picked up on the new fashion in multi-cultural discourse, namely naked intimidation, and have been rewarded with the same result. The only free speech on offer now is the danegeld of a thousand babbled apologies from craven liberals. And we all know what happens once you start paying danegeld…

What is it about people that they worship evil?


OK, kids, two orderly lines please - execution on the left, rape and execution on the right…

Expecto patronisum!

A classic piece of BBC reporting catches our eye this morning, as Zimbabwe throws off another shackle of its colonial past by repealing the ban on witchcraft.

"The repealing (sic) of the witchcraft laws is another sign that Zimbabwe's government is continuing to move away from Western values and placing more emphasis on the country's own traditions" the BBC reports with barely concealed approval, conveniently forgetting that African witchcraft leads directly to ritual sacrifice and horror stories like that of Victoria Climbie.

Mentions of President Mugabe, his murderous regime, and its ongoing campaigns against opponents of every colour: none. It goes without saying that all cultures are equally valid to the BBC, including those whose defining features are tyranny, corruption and mass-murder.

All in all, I’m pretty grateful to be living in America. God forbid I should be stuck in Zimbabwe. Or still worse, next door to someone from the BBC…


An “alternative physician”, yesterday. Take two dismembered children and call me in the morning.

Freedom on the March!

The Sunday Telegraph provides a timely insight into the progress of secular democracy in Iraq, with a list of recent fatwas issued with impunity by murderous headhacking shits in the Sunni areas of Baghdad. And it’s not just old favourites like shooting women for driving cars or riding public transport this time. The boys in the beards have begun casting their nets in new and unanticipated directions.

In the last few weeks, the following have all been declared haram, the prohibitions being in most cases promptly backed up by actual executions:
Selling falafels
Growing goatees
Wearing shorts
Selling ice
Smoking cigarettes
Wearing t-shirts with English writing on them
…and my personal favourite:
Eating mayonnaise

And why are falafels unIslamic? One of the threatened vendors explains:

"I said I was just feeding the people, but they said there were no falafels in Mohammed the prophet's time, so we shouldn't have them either.
"I felt like telling them there were no Kalashnikovs in Mohammed's time either, but I wanted to keep my life."

So falafels, goatees, ice-sellers and sunburnt knees vanish away one after the other, and the beardies go on to their next target. And Iraq’s civil society, twenty six million Pastor Niemollers, fear them more than they fear us.

There’s a reason that Iraq had Saddam Hussein. Barring the special case of outside intervention, people get the kind of governments they deserve. Sometimes that outside intervention is indispensible, as in the case of Nazi Germany, where we bombed their cities flat and no-one whined about civilian casualties. It may soon be necessary in the case of Iran, but it’s getting impossible to argue that it was ever so for Iraq. Giving the ballot to a population who allow a few hundred fanatics to hold them at gunpoint over facial hair is beyond futile.

It’s time to bring the boys home, and spend that Iraq reconstruction budget on ethanol fuel conversion and nuclear power plants. Let them try to finance their damned Jihad when no-one wants their lousy oil any more.


A falafel, yesterday. Not kosher, if you’ll pardon the expression…

Is there life on Moors?

Exciting times for Islamic science, as the Muslim conquest of space is discussed at a conference in Malaysia.

More than 150 delegates attended a seminar to consider how to pray in space given the difficulties of locating Mecca and holding the prayer position in zero gravity; as well as other questions such as halal food and washing.

The International Space Station (ISS) moves at almost 17,000 mph, so the relative position of Mecca is constantly shifting. With 16 orbits a day, and the timing of five daily prayers determined in relation to sunrise and sunset, devout Muslim astronauts could find themselves intoning their chants 80 times in 24 hours.

Well, that would be terrible, obviously. And not at all funny.

Fortunately, the Islamic Astronomers' Association is on the case. Taking a break from calculating the most auspicious times to stone women to death, these top Muslim boffins have gathered near Kuala Lumpur to discuss how to get around what would normally be considered cast iron strictures.

And they’re already off to a flying start, if you’ll pardon the pun. With the keen sense of priorities for which Islamic jurisprudence is justly famed, delegates dealt with the difficulties of hanging rape victims in zero gravity in five minutes flat, by means of a brief reference to the potentialities offered by the presence of airlocks.

I’m sure we all wish them well in their noble struggle to bring obscurantist medieval theocracy to the stars.


Another aspiring astronaut prepares for blast-off, yesterday.

“I have seen the future, and it herds goats”

More pearls of wisdom from Iran’s lovable new president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

On the UN’s demands for an end to Iran’s nuclear programme: "It is not like we just follow whatever they issue"

On the outside world’s consideration of sanctions: "I think even the two or three countries who oppose us are wise enough not to resort to such a big mistake. Those who are speaking of sanctions would suffer more harm."

On Israel: "We say that this fake regime cannot logically continue to live … Let the Jews go back to their own countries"

Mr Ahmadinejad did however take a brief break from issuing naked threats to world peace to sign a decree allowing women to attend soccer games for the first time in 27 years. This resolves a long-standing anomaly whereby the authorities were technically breaking the law every time they dragged some luckless female into their local stadium for public execution.

I dare say we should take this small step in the direction of equality in the spirit with which it is offered…

Iran, yesterday – where women are always guaranteed a good view of the pitch…

Freedom on the march!

It's a big day for laughably dysfunctional Third-World war-zones, as both Iraq and New Orleans choose new leaders. As an added bonus, there's an outside chance that at least one of them won't be a hopeless incompetent who covers his constant cock-ups with despicable ethnic hate-mongering.

Probably too much to hope for New Orleans, tho'.


Mayor Ray "Chocolate" Nagin, yesterday - the man who introduced the phrase "Thank Allah for Louisiana" into Arabic.