All work and no play

The Harvard Business Review indulges in a little schadenfreude, reporting that individuals in "extreme jobs" rake in the cash but only at the expense of their sex lives.

They define extreme jobs as entailing work weeks of 60 hours or more. 46 per cent of the corporate carnivores surveyed said that their jobs interfere with "having a strong relationship with my spouse/partner", with 50% having an unsatisfying sex life. The other 50% were presumably jumping their secretaries.

Excuse me while I unpack my violin. By that logic, I reckon I’m underpaid by a factor of ten. Tough line of reasoning to work into one's annual performance review, tho'…


Big big salary, teeny-weeny penis.

No such thing as a free lunch?

One in 20 Latinos in the US regularly goes hungry complains the Hispanic civil rights group the National Council of La Raza.

OK, fine. While we’re at it, the National Bakers’ Union is complaining that its members don’t get enough blow jobs. And your point is…? Who are those universally well-fed lawyers going to sue? And on what grounds? Call a charity, or call Welfare, but for God’s sake don’t call a lawyer.

Civil rights are about not getting robbed or threatened by the State, thrown into gaol without due process, or kidnapped and murdered by corrupt cops, all of which are daily events south of the Rio Grande. Civil rights are about equality before the law. What civil rights are emphatically not about is equality of life.

Martin Luther King demanded, among other things, the right to be served at segregated lunch counters. I don’t recall him arguing the inalienable right to Japanese sweet potato and chestnut gratin once he got there. You got what was on the menu, if you could pay for it. Same goes for Manolo and friends. You don’t work, you don’t eat. You don’t like it, you go home and ask your own government to feed you. Let us know how that works out for you…

God knows, it’s not as if Whitey has a secret stash of super-healthy eating tips. They’re mostly so fat and wheezy that those lean illegals will outlive them anyway.


Tallahassee, 1956. Another lunch counter sit-in ends in defeat, as for the third day running José steals everybody else’s fries…

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

A new diaspora emerges, as the Institute for Public Policy Research announces the results of their survey into the distribution of ex-pat Britons.

Fully 10% of the population has shaken the dust of Blighty from their sandals and lit out for greener pastures. The IPPR offers no analysis as to why, although many might suspect that the existence of bodies like the IPPR, who track people for the sole purpose of finding new ways to tax and meddle with them, might have some bearing on the matter.


Not the least surprising aspect of their findings is that there are more Brits in Spain than in the United States. Of course, many would counter that it’s easier to get into the Spain than the United States. You’d think they might have considered that fact a little more carefully before moving there, but it’s too late now. It’s paella and property scams for life now for those knuckleheads.

A comparative study of the Irish revealed huge concentrations in New York’s Police Department, Chicago’s Fire Department and Boston’s bar staff. Strange that the sea-divided Gael can arrest criminals, put out fires and spend twelve hours in a bar without getting drunk, while their stay-at-home cousins lay waste to entire neighbourhoods on a nightly basis. Is this evidence for natural selection? That Darwin bloke might be onto something after all…


Warning – here be Brits…

Got to pick a pocket or two

The Home Office issues a report detailing Britain’s prison population in terms of prisoners' religious affiliation.

Fascinating stuff. Apparently Episcopalians are partial to sex crimes, Catholics to burglary, and Hindus to fraud. Thank God those Muslims are maintaining their traditional law-abiding low profile and not getting into any mischief.

No word on the Jews and their supposed over-representation among those convicted for starting all the wars in history. But you know those Red Sea Pedestrians. They probably just used their total control of the world’s media to hush it up.

Meanwhile, the atheists’ crime of choice is anything involving violence, from mugging through common assault all the way to GBH and murder. I tried to ask the world’s Number 1 Atheist, Richard Dawkins, how he squared that with his assertion that religion was corrupting whereas atheism brought ennobling freedom, but he just came after me with a Stanley knife.


Professor Dawkins, yesterday, getting to grips with the opposition, atheist-style. Good thing his wife was there. “Leave it aht, Dick – he’s not worf it… That’s enuff, ennit? He’s ‘ad enuff. Leave him, Dick. Leave it aht, I say…”

UPDATE! Britain's prison population tops 80,000 for the first time! Maybe the Plods have been rounding up the Scientologists to balance things out. After all, if stupidity were a crime, they'd all have been locked away long since...

Maiden Aunt

Food for thought as the BBC compares Western promiscuity with those fine upstanding moralists of sub-Saharan Africa.

“Why oh why are Westerners such sluts compared to Ethiopians?” Aunty Beeb asks us, shaking her head sadly. Probably for the same reason that they punch out four times as many kids, despite having fewer partners – they have no condoms.

I would also add that they live in a shithole with nothing else to do, but seeing as there is no baby-boom in Birmingham I must reluctantly lay that argument aside.

Nevertheless, it must be significant that every single man in Ethiopia between the ages of 35 and 39 is getting laid. I mean to say, every single one. You’d think their tourist board would’ve made some hay out of that little data point by now. But no, they’re sticking with “Ethiopia – bring food!” for the twenty third year running. Those Saatchis have really lost their edge, if you ask me.

Once again the BBC manages to simultaneously patronise the Third World while slagging off its own nation and culture. Too many of those spineless lefties seem to be auditioning for jobs under the first sharia government. No-one beats a socialist when it comes to getting their surrender in early – as Francois “Mr Vichy” Mitterand would be the first to tell you...


Compare and contrast: liberal democracy and emancipated females vs third world goat-herding – which is superior? Think you know? Aunty knows better!

Diminishing returns

The Daily Telegraph entertains and informs again with its excellent “your view” section, where readers provide their considered opinions on the issues of the day.

I find a lively debate, inspired by the Archbishop of Canterbury, regarding whether full-time working mothers are detrimental to family cohesion and children’s welfare.

Among the predictable pearls thrown up by those with nothing better to do all day than take the Archbishop of Canterbury seriously, I alight upon this little gem, posted by a Mr Arnold Ward:

My wife and I both work around 75% which seems to work for us and our two children - maybe this is a model that should be more universally adopted.

Truly we are in the presence of genius. He continues…

Moreover, just because they are women does not mean that they are going make great mothers, my own mother was not temperamentally well suited to childcare - try as she might.

Evidently, she was not much cop at elementary statistics or basic logic, either. On the other hand, I do hope she’s still hale enough to hotfoot it round to his place and kick his sorry, ungrateful and mathematically-illiterate ass all over the room.

For his next trick, Mr Ward will solve income inequality by giving everyone a 10% pay rise…


Mr Ward’s grasp of numbers is eight today. Many happy returns!

What women want

Interesting insights courtesy of Woman & Home magazine as they publish their survey into mature women’s greatest fears

So what keeps women over 40 awake at night?

Children's future 55 %
Health risks 45%
Financial difficulties 43 %
Breast cancer 36 %
Rising crime 27 %
Immigration 19 %
Threat of terrorism 12 %
Menopause 12 %
Splitting with partner 11%
Trapped on capsized cruise ship with B-list movie stars 9%

This top ten list is superficially uncontroversial, until one notes that international terrorism edges out divorce, despite the relative frequency of the latter compared to the former.

It’s a sad reflection on the modern male that, once he’s fathered her chosen number of kids (or at least naively paid for the pool boy’s ‘til they are old enough for her to go back to work), the female has very little reason to keep him around. Only inertia and some fragile residue of sentiment stand between hubby and an abrupt exile to the local roach-motel apartment complex down the street, minus his SUV and his 401k.

Now that my own sweet wifey has the four kids she’s always pined for, I don’t mind telling you, I’m treading a little more carefully myself. The last thing I need is to be forced back on the market at my advanced age. It was bad enough before the grey hair and the furrowed brow. In my experience, what women want is almost invariably someone else…


A broken nail, yesterday (7%). One of the very few things that scare women over 40 less than dumping their husbands, alongside losing their glasses (6%), laddered tights (5%), and running out of milk (3%).

Earth in the Balance

I drop my bacon sandwich this morning, on the news that the obese now outnumber the starving worldwide by a good 200 million.

Is it just me, or does the solution not pretty much suggest itself?


Eat - eat, my pretty! And win a free ticket to Darfur. Heh heh heh…

Overpopulation: just enough of me, way too much of you

More Teutonic hand-wringing, as Germany turns up bottom of the European fertility league, with a score so low that there might be none of them left by the end of the century.

What a tragedy.

In fact, Germany comes out second-last in the entire world, propped up only by Hong Kong, where everyone is riddled with chronic gonorrhea. One can’t help but notice that it’s all the most dysfunctional basket cases that are breeding like pond-life. The US limps in at 137, and the EU doesn’t get a look-in until France at #151.

Current birthrates have been compared to the population explosion in Britain in the early Victorian era, where crippling child mortality was first overcome. But that was endogenous – accompanied by native social and economic progress that allowed Britain to support the increased population by, for example, exporting it to the colonies to machine-gun the locals. What’s happening here is of an entirely different order.

Nowadays some meddling medic turns up in Buttafuque, Chad, and hands out aid-funded antibiotics willy-nilly, with no concomitant effort on the part of the locals to open their economies, clean up their governments, or even to learn to read. And so within twenty years they’re all slaughtering each other over the last twig of firewood and blaming the Great Satan for it.

Bono and Bill Gates want us to do something for the poor? Well, the very first thing we can do is stop sending them medical aid.


Medicin Sans Frontieres ply their evil trade, yesterday. Bloody do-gooders…

47% of Frenchmen “very stupid” says Le Monde

A sad day for France, as Libération publishes a poll wherein 47% of Frenchmen declare Jacques Chirac’s presidency to have been good for France. Even the spineless, poetry-spouting euro-trash aristo Dominique de Villepin garners a quite unjustified 36% approval rating. Has the heat gone to their smoke-addled heads?

Le Monde speculates that the unexpectedly strong showing of the French national soccer team in Germany might have inspired the voters to take a more benign view of their slimy leaders. Crook, tax cheat, fiddler of state funds to pay for a mistress and child in Japan – all is apparently forgiven as long as les bleus can still poke a winner past Portugal in extra time.

I suppose we should be grateful that they lost the final, or we might be stuck with that insufferable prick for yet another five years. Just don’t get me started on the horrible implications if England had won…

"Have you noticed how we only win the World Cup under a Labour Government?"

Villepin blue, Chirac whiter-than-white.

40% of people “would lie to pollsters” – Poll

Shock and awe as Money Magazine reveals that men will lie to their wives about big purchases, and women about small ones. Not that size is important, of course. Or so I am assured.

Frankly, I find all these statistics equally bogus. All the various options on offer ultimately boil down to the same question – namely, “how much do you lie to your beloved life partner, you weaselly slimeball/chiselling bitch?”

I might pay more attention if there was some indication as to what percentage of the population would make a purchase under $100 without telling their spouse and then give some random pollster the finger? That figure is sadly not supplied…


A pollster, yesterday. Could you lie to those puppy-dog eyes?

Danish Bacon

The world throws us yet another curve-ball as it emerges that Denmark is 'the happiest place on earth'. One wonders what makes a Dane laugh. Obviously not their cartoonists, if those Mohammed efforts were any guide. They were pants.

Switzerland, Austria and Iceland round out the top four, with sunnier climes only getting a look in at #5 in the shape of the Bahamas. This suggests a strong correlation between happiness and some undefined aspect of Teutonic culture. Danish and Icelandic girls are reputed to go like the clappers, so maybe that’s it. I hadn’t heard the same of their Swiss and Austrian sisters, but I dare say that someone out there can testify on their behalf.

I’m pretty sure Heidi has milked a few bulls in her time, for a start, but then again there’s not much else to do in those isolated Alpine pastures. She is more to be pitied than to be condemned, and in any case it would be a bit hypocritical of us to give her a hard time when so many of us enjoy the results. After all, haven’t you ever wondered why the Milka Cow is purple?


Heidi hard at work yesterday, fresh from putting a smile on the faces of the local males. Note how she hides her right arm, which is now the size of Arnold Schwartzenegger’s. Try not to stare…

Lies, damned lies, and the BBC

Aunty Beeb continues her sad decline into lefty-induced institutional Alzheimers, as she posts this shocking exposé on child porn.

Apparently, 50% of paedophile content worldwide is produced in the US. Or posted there. Or just copied from servers in other countries. They don’t tell us, probably because it didn’t occur to them to ask.

Nor do they find room to note that over 80% of all other internet content comes from the US.

Comparing those two stats, by implication, it is foreigners of various stripes who are disproportionately active in turning out this stomach-churning filth. After all, practically all of Russia’s web output is child porn and horse-fucking hookers. Yet for some reason the BBC’s chosen headline is “US 'worst' for online child abuse” rather than “Everyone else really into kiddie-diddling”.

It’s probably too much to ask for them to hire the occasional Atlanticist, but the least they could do is find people who can count…

Update! Le Monde joins the fray, proclaiming the US to be the world’s greatest exporter of spam emails. Well, duuuuh. Bit rich of them to complain, when they’re always moaning that no-one in America speaks their bloody language. Either give the Yanks some credit or blame the Quebecois, you whiny bastards…


The source of all evil, yesterday. Depraved non-American pornographers not pictured.

Had we but world enough, and time

More “dog bites man” news this morning, as we read that one in nine women prefers chores to sex. When survey companies resort to laboriously “proving” such staple fare of third-rate comedians worldwide, it is a sure sign that business is slow and the silly season is upon us.

“like any other household chore”
“an irritating annoyance”
“only enjoyable for men”

Naturally, the temptation is to blame the men for these problems, and it does not help that one’s first sight of the naked male generally engenders reminders to put brussel sprouts on the shopping list. But one can’t help but wonder whether we are not confusing cause and effect here. After all, if one goes into something expecting to be bored, one is very likely to be proven right.

In my younger years, I found myself on several occasions putting considerable effort into pleasing a young lady in a variety of ways met with rave reviews elsewhere, only to founder against their native disinterest in the act itself. My repertoire exhausted and the cliffs unbreached, these encounters invariably ended with the girl’s impatient invitation to “go ahead – don’t wait for me”, whereupon passion flopped lifeless on that cruel and rocky shore.

Of course, I might just be a poor picker. I certainly seemed to have a knack for choosing lesbians, if the number who were lesbians the next morning was anything to go by.

“The Welsh, both men and women, said they were having sex more frequently than adults in other regions.” Doesn’t say with what, tho’.


Lubricious Wales, yesterday. Just one big al-fresco brothel, that place…

Robbing Hood

Matching its recent coronation as Britain’s capital of gun crime, Nottingham triumphs again as the city with the highest burglary rate in the country, according to a new study by Endsleigh Insurance. It’s hard not to conclude that the town’s long association with that famous medieval mugger Robin Hood has fatally weakened the distinction between meum et tuum in the minds of its feral inhabitants.

If only the shapely young ladies of Coventry were similarly inspired by the example of Lady Godiva. Now that’s what I call a role model.


Liverpool does not appear on the list at all, mostly because Endsleigh’s brave researchers were car-jacked, stripped to their underpants and left for dead within minutes of their arrival. Very few independent observers have ventured into the city in the last twenty years, but experts theorise that by now the entire population has regressed to a Morlock-like existence dwelling in caves, therefore falling outside the scope of current burglary legislation.

Are you from Nottingham? Or perhaps you’re just a bit dodgy anyway? How many burglaries have you committed?


Robin Hood yesterday. Hand over the cell phone, bitch, or I’ll cut you.