Thursday, November 30, 2006

Plus ça change…

Tremendous excitement among the dusty ranks of Britain’s archaeologists, as new studies unveil the intricate complexities of an Ancient Greek supercomputer.

This amazing artifact, constructed almost two centuries before the birth of Christ and lost at sea around 65BC, was apparently used to calculate eclipses, solstices, and planetary motions with uncanny accuracy, marking a level of technological advance not to be seen again until the late Middle Ages.

It’s a sad reflection on human nature that this fantastic fruit of ancient scientific skill, far from inspiring further feats and “putting a man on the Moon by 300AD”, was instead carted around by some shyster to predict “omens” and cast horoscopes. Thank God we live in a more rational age, where men no longer pervert Progress to fleece the greedy and the gullible.

In other news, I receive the following in my inbox this morning…

Date: Mon, 4th December 2006 08:58:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: Moses Odiaka []

My name is Mr.Moses Odiaka.I work in the credit and accounts department of Union Bank of NigeriaPlc,Lagos, Nigeria. I write you in respect of a foreign customer with a Domicilliary account. His name is Engineer Manfred Becker. He was among those who died in a plane crash here in Nigeria during the reign of late General Sani Abacha.

He had only $18.5mllion in his a/c and the a/c is coded. It is only an insider that could produce the code or password of the deposit particulars. Based on the reason that nobody has come forward to claim the deposit as next of kin, I hereby ask for your co operation in using your name as the next of kin to the deceased to send these funds out to a foreign offshore bank a/c for mutual sharing between myself and you. I will need your full name and address telephone/fax umber,company or residential, also your bank name and account,where the money will be transfer into.

Trusting to hear from you,

I remain Respectfully yours,

Mr Moses Odiaka.

Cool! Man, I’m so totally going to cash in on this…

The Ancient Greek Supercomputer, yesterday. Not much to look at, but still more reliable than Windows.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Got to pick a pocket or two

The Home Office issues a report detailing Britain’s prison population in terms of prisoners' religious affiliation.

Fascinating stuff. Apparently Episcopalians are partial to sex crimes, Catholics to burglary, and Hindus to fraud. Thank God those Muslims are maintaining their traditional law-abiding low profile and not getting into any mischief.

No word on the Jews and their supposed over-representation among those convicted for starting all the wars in history. But you know those Red Sea Pedestrians. They probably just used their total control of the world’s media to hush it up.

Meanwhile, the atheists’ crime of choice is anything involving violence, from mugging through common assault all the way to GBH and murder. I tried to ask the world’s Number 1 Atheist, Richard Dawkins, how he squared that with his assertion that religion was corrupting whereas atheism brought ennobling freedom, but he just came after me with a Stanley knife.

Professor Dawkins, yesterday, getting to grips with the opposition, atheist-style. Good thing his wife was there. “Leave it aht, Dick – he’s not worf it… That’s enuff, ennit? He’s ‘ad enuff. Leave him, Dick. Leave it aht, I say…”

UPDATE! Britain's prison population tops 80,000 for the first time! Maybe the Plods have been rounding up the Scientologists to balance things out. After all, if stupidity were a crime, they'd all have been locked away long since...

Sunday, November 26, 2006


An anonymous letter appears on my desk, cunningly scrawled in crayon to defy graphological analysis:

Dear ceitisins

The only way pople wont see us or haer us is stik close to The shados and weaR som thing on our heads


I am clearly in imminent danger. One’s first thought, naturally, is that 3H has finally snapped after years of typing like an epileptic with Parkinson’s, and has started tracking us down one by one extracting gruesome revenge upon our frail and pasty blogger bodies. But no sooner have I strapped the baby to my chest as a human shield, two small and sinister figures slip into the room and begin skulking among the bookcases…

Fortunately for me, it’s just my two eldest boys. Their stealthy progress is somewhat spoiled by their sister trailing along behind them, shouting “There’th Authtin!” and “Look, Daddy, it’th Wonan!”, and pointing.

This is probably why real ninjas didn’t take their little sisters along on missions.

Ninja costumes being in short supply since the Mutant Turtle variety were retired for soup, the boys have exercised some impressive creativity in the matter of masks. And at least they had the sense to choose clean ones.

Perhaps real ninjas had to wear underpants on their heads too. It would explain their notoriously irascible natures. I rather wish they had, and well-used ones to boot. It would be no more than they deserved, the murdering little monkeys…

Some ninjas, yesterday, and friend. Never mess with a man with underpants on his head.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Ivan’s Sunday Quiz

What South Park character are you like?

Which South Park kid are you most like?


You are clever, and often come up with intelligent and funny comebacks to other people's stupid remarks.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by quizzes and personality tests.

So what, I’m Jewish now? Well, could be a lot worse…

Friday, November 24, 2006

Ivan’s Site of the Week

This week’s winner is the gentle humour of the P G Wodehouse quote generator. A must for all eggs, beans, and crumpets.

All human life is there:

My Boss:

The words, delivered at a distance of two feet in the man's immediate rear, were spoken in the sharp, resonant voice of one who Gets Things Done - which, in its essentials, is rather like the note of a seal barking for fish.


He looked haggard and careworn, like a Borgia who has suddenly remembered that he has forgotten to shove cyanide in the consomme, and the dinner-gong due any moment.
Carry On, Jeeves (1925) `Clustering round Young Bingo'

My kids:

`I remember years ago, Bertie,' said Aunt Dahlia, `when you nearly swallowed your rubber comforter and started turning purple. And I, ass that I was, took it out and saved your life. Let me tell you, it will go very hard with you if you ever swallow a rubber comforter again when only I am by to aid.’
Right Ho, Jeeves (1934)

And of course, my hobbies:

Boko Bagshott we called him. Took a girl to supper once at the Gardenia. Supper scarcely concluded when an angry old gentleman plunges into the room and starts shaking his fist in Boko's face. Boko rises with chivalrous gesture. ``Have no fear, sir. I am a man of honour. I will marry your daughter.'' ``Daughter?'' says the old gentleman, foaming a little at the mouth. ``Damn it, that's my wife.'' Took all Boko's tact to pass it off, I believe.

Those were happier times…

What’s your favourite Wodehouse quote?

Bertie Wooster, yesterday. A role model for us all. Fortunately we still have David Cameron.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Going around the table

Just a quick note, a day early, as I don’t intend to be hovering over this damned machine at all tomorrow.

So, what am I thankful for this year?

A loving wife.
Four great kids, especially our new arrival.
Good health for everyone, including both of our mothers.
A strong church.
A good job and a salary that lets my wife stay home with the kids.
A boss who’s a decent human being.
Only being away on business for three weeks this year.
A new and bigger house, with a walk-out basement and a decent lot.
Passing a very challenging quality management certification first time back in April.
That I'm not a turkey.

What do I want for Christmas?

A promotion (would be the first for four years).
A pay-rise (ditto).
A buyer for our old house.
An orally-fixated cheerleader (pom-poms optional).
And another year like this one.

What are you thankful for?

The first Thanksgiving in 1621, yesterday. Known to Native Americans as Thanks For Nothin’ Day…

Sunday, November 19, 2006

And now, the news for the dumb

“Not eating makes you die – shock” reports the Telegraph. Anorexic Brazilian model Ana Carolina Reston, who lived on an exclusive diet of apples and tomatoes, has died from kidney failure aged 21.

She is the second anorexic model to die this year. Uruguayan Luisel Ramos, 22, suffered a heart attack in August after living on lettuce leaves and Diet Coke for three months.

Something of a pattern emerging here, maybe?

Simple cause and effect seems to be challenging for South Americans generally. Dim-bulb Brazilian Cassia Aparecida de Souza, 18, made headlines recently with the claim that her cat, Mimi, had given birth to the miscegenous offspring of the neighbour’s dog, which is a first even for a country as lax in matters sexual as Brazil.

No word yet as to Ms de Souza’s stance on tomato-only diets.

Are these women representative of all South Americans in their feeble grasp on the facts of life? If so, it’s no wonder that they keep electing scumbags like Chavez and Ortega…

Is it a puppy? Is it a kitten? No, it’s a puppy. Duh.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Everyone’s a critic

I find my faith in natural justice momentarily restored as Sacha Baron Cohen is punched repeatedly in the face on a New York sidewalk.

Side-splitting funny-man Sacha decided on the spur of the moment to reprise his notorious Borat character on a passer-by, requesting to have sex with his clothes, whereupon the object of his attentions promptly beat him unconscious.

Seeing as mere eye-contact has been known to provoke pre-emptive stabbings from neurotic New Yorkers, many would argue that Borat got away lightly. Fortunately our very own Hugh Laurie, star of “House”, was there to salvage Sacha from the wreckage - a fake doctor rescuing a fake Kazakh from a very genuinely offended citizen. I’m sure there’s a clever metaphor on the ephemera of fame in there somewhere, but I’m just sorry that I wasn’t there myself to help out– by, say, holding Borat by the arms, or fetching a baseball bat.

The humblest copper in the land cannot pummel a dusky suspect without getting plastered all over YouTube nowadays, and yet no-one thought to capture this priceless piece of cinema verité on film. Where are the paparazzi when you need them?

Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat, yesterday. Now with authentically Kazakh-style missing teeth…

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Dispatches from RummieWorld™

A warm welcome to Self-Awareness Corner, as German Lawyers unveil plans to charge Donald Rumsfeld with crimes against humanity.

Well, one certainly can’t gainsay the German people’s expert and in-depth knowledge of war crimes. Their reputation for near-autistic blindness to embarrassing inappropriacy is also apparently well-earnt.

In other news, 150 scientists and staff are kidnapped from Baghdad’s Higher Education Ministry in broad daylight.

Now, I can see bundling some poor chump off the street into the boot of a car being called kidnapping, but when it comes to twenty camouflaged lorries full of uniformed thugs rounding up an entire government department, I fear we are stretching the meaning of “kidnap” beyond all reason.

A new word must be found, and I think it is only fair that it pay tribute to the inimitable skills of our former Defence Secretary by immortalising his genius.

Therefore I humbly suggest “to rummie” vt, sb, to kidnap on an industrial scale. Use it wisely, my children – I bequeath it thee…

What’s your favourite neologism?

Some German lawyers, yesterday. Poachers turned gamekeepers.

Monday, November 13, 2006

It’s alive!

Wide-eyed innocence from the mad scientist community as they digest the outraged reactions to their plans for human-cow hybrids.

Frankenstein and co. are for some unaccountable reason short of real human eggs to butcher, the general public being notoriously conservative in these matters. Therefore they have hit upon the simple and risk-free solution of injecting human DNA into cows’ eggs, and then smooshing the mewling abominations that result to harvest their juicy, tender young stem cells. Lovely!

"This is a very rational step: to learn what you can using animal eggs, which are readily obtainable, before moving on to valuable human eggs when or if this becomes necessary" explains Professor Robin Lovell-Badge, head of developmental genetics at the National Institute for Medical Research, tossing another puppy in the blender.

It’s good to see the true spirit of pure scientific enquiry alive and well among our brave boffins. And if their unholy mutants lurch out of the castle and stroll down to the village to rip the heads off peasants, well, that’s just regrettable collateral damage in the War on Ignorance.

All in all, a small price to pay if it cures Michael J Fox of his Parkinsons’. Then maybe he’ll finally do Back to the Future IV instead of all those creepy Democratic campaign ads…

“Paging Professor Lovell-Badge to Customer Service, please. Someone would like to register a complaint.”

Saturday, November 11, 2006

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

Whatever happened to...

...toddlers falling down wells?

Friday, November 10, 2006

Ivan’s Election Round-Up

Thursday 7am: It’s election day!

Not that I get a vote, unless you count all those postal ballots I swiped from the Sunnyview Retirement Complex during nap time. Nevertheless, I feel moved to join in the fun, and dress accordingly.

Thursday noon: Turns out that Americans like to hold their elections on Tuesdays, not Thursdays as in proper countries like the UK. Bugger.

Why was I not informed? I make a mental note to chastise the wife, if only on general principle.

Thursday 11pm I review the results with alarm. The Democrats have seized control of Congress. In other news, Britney Spears announces her divorce.

Coincidence? I think not. The filthy tide of left-liberal immorality is already threatening to swamp us. May the Lord have mercy on our souls…

Quote of the Week Keith Ellison, first-ever Muslim Congressman, celebrates the rainbow coalition that elected him:

Ellison said his campaign united labor, minority communities and peace activists… "We brought in everybody."


Britney Spears, yesterday, too inconsolable to dress. Just the first of many victims of this unholy Democrat tyranny.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Hey Big Penda

Our friend 3H, inspired by Bystander, sings the praises of Offa, King of the Mercians and Hammer of the Welsh.

Despite the attractions of Welsh-hammering, I've always been more of a Penda man myself.

Penda remained a Pagan throughout his life but, by his wife, Cunewise, he fathered a large family who all became Christian: Peada, King of Middle Anglia; Wulfhere and Aethelred, eventually Kings of Mercia; Merewalh, King of Magonset; St. Cuneburga, wife of King Alcfrith of Deira and Abbess of Castor; St. Cuneswith; St. Cunethrith of Castor; St. Edith of Aylesbury; St. Edburga of Bicester; and Wilburga, wife of King Frithuwold of Surrey.

Five saints! That's got to be a record. Granted, they were only chicks, but even so - not bad for a head-banging psycho like him. We shall not see his like again.

Penda, King of Mercia, yesterday. No school like the old school…

Monday, November 06, 2006

Maiden Aunt

Food for thought as the BBC compares Western promiscuity with those fine upstanding moralists of sub-Saharan Africa.

“Why oh why are Westerners such sluts compared to Ethiopians?” Aunty Beeb asks us, shaking her head sadly. Probably for the same reason that they punch out four times as many kids, despite having fewer partners – they have no condoms.

I would also add that they live in a shithole with nothing else to do, but seeing as there is no baby-boom in Birmingham I must reluctantly lay that argument aside.

Nevertheless, it must be significant that every single man in Ethiopia between the ages of 35 and 39 is getting laid. I mean to say, every single one. You’d think their tourist board would’ve made some hay out of that little data point by now. But no, they’re sticking with “Ethiopia – bring food!” for the twenty third year running. Those Saatchis have really lost their edge, if you ask me.

Once again the BBC manages to simultaneously patronise the Third World while slagging off its own nation and culture. Too many of those spineless lefties seem to be auditioning for jobs under the first sharia government. No-one beats a socialist when it comes to getting their surrender in early – as Francois “Mr Vichy” Mitterand would be the first to tell you...

Compare and contrast: liberal democracy and emancipated females vs third world goat-herding – which is superior? Think you know? Aunty knows better!

Saturday, November 04, 2006

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

Shy heartthrob Russell Crowe finally speaks out!

“Just don’t call me tetchy. I hate it when people call me tetchy…”

Friday, November 03, 2006

Ivan’s Site of the Week

This week, why not gaze into the abyss for a while as you peruse this balanced and objective review of the merits of female circumcision?

But remember, when you gaze into this abyss, it is not only gazing back but probably pulling on a suicide vest while it’s at it. Try not to make eye contact…

“Of course, the simplest way to deal with uncovered meat is to cut big chunks of it off and throw it away…”

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Diminishing returns

The Daily Telegraph entertains and informs again with its excellent “your view” section, where readers provide their considered opinions on the issues of the day.

I find a lively debate, inspired by the Archbishop of Canterbury, regarding whether full-time working mothers are detrimental to family cohesion and children’s welfare.

Among the predictable pearls thrown up by those with nothing better to do all day than take the Archbishop of Canterbury seriously, I alight upon this little gem, posted by a Mr Arnold Ward:

My wife and I both work around 75% which seems to work for us and our two children - maybe this is a model that should be more universally adopted.

Truly we are in the presence of genius. He continues…

Moreover, just because they are women does not mean that they are going make great mothers, my own mother was not temperamentally well suited to childcare - try as she might.

Evidently, she was not much cop at elementary statistics or basic logic, either. On the other hand, I do hope she’s still hale enough to hotfoot it round to his place and kick his sorry, ungrateful and mathematically-illiterate ass all over the room.

For his next trick, Mr Ward will solve income inequality by giving everyone a 10% pay rise…

Mr Ward’s grasp of numbers is eight today. Many happy returns!