Monday, July 10, 2006

The eyes have it

More disturbing and dubious research from the amoral world of science, as boffins in Newcastle Upon Tyne prove that pictures of staring eyes make people more honest.

Apparently, the restraining influence of watchful orbs made the subjects of the experiment significantly less larcenous. Without them to follow their every move, the locals will inevitably steal anything that isn’t nailed down.

Geordies untrustworthy, eh? Who knew?

Of course, the only real lesson of this research is that all students, and Geordies in particular, are thieving rodents. But that is so obvious a point as to be deemed unworthy of mention by the Telegraph’s finest.

Some speculation follows as to the practical applications of the Big Mad Eyes Effect in real life - by speed traps, perhaps, or in underground stations by the ticket barriers. If I may, I would like to suggest that they start with a big, extra-manic pair opposite 10 Downing Street. Maybe that will finally winkle Public Enemy #1 out from under his rock…


Helloooooo, Tony!

8 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Yeah, that works in the jungle too. A pair of gleaming snake eyes will make a monkey drop all its stolen coconuts and stare like a hypnotised rabbit. But if you really want order in a university campus, let a wild animal eat one of the students every week. There's nothing like fear to get primates to follow the leader and obey all the rules.

Ivan the Terrible said...

All very well in theory, GB, but real predators don't eat junk food. Maybe some hyenas would do the trick?

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Thanks for the link, Ivan. I thought for a minute I was going to have to Google the eyes. Boomboom! Gerrit? Gerrit?

...

'K

See you tomorrow then.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Yes, Sam, I get it. Lord help me now... :)

Desargues said...

They used to say of Stalin that he had a similar effect on his hapless subjects--a gaze more stupefying than a python's, more effective than a polygraph.

But I'm skeptical of such stories. If they were true, blind people ought to be the biggest conniving crooks.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

When Robert Powell was filming is acclaimed lead role in "Jesus of Nazareth" he said that not blinking was what leant this performance an other-worldly, divine element.

Anthony Hopkins, similarly, did not blink in "The Silence of the Lambs" to give Hannibal Lecter his disconcerting portrayal of pure evil.

Go ye and figure.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Blind people are conniving crooks, Des. Unbelievable robdogs, every last one of them. Fortunately they're lousy at getaways. That's the only thing that keeps them half-way under control.

And just because Robert Powell is a glassy-eyed lizard doesn't mean that Jesus was, Sam. I don't think he relied on really hard Paddington Bear-type stares to get his message across. What with all the water-walking, mass feeding, leper-curing and dead-raising, it was everyone else doing the blinking...

jamie said...

gorilla: I'm a student and I'm afraid that your wild animal idea wouldn't work. We're always starving, so we'd eat the animal first. We barely manage to refrain from chomping on each other as it is.