More disturbing and dubious research from the amoral world of science, as boffins in Newcastle Upon Tyne prove that pictures of staring eyes make people more honest.
Apparently, the restraining influence of watchful orbs made the subjects of the experiment significantly less larcenous. Without them to follow their every move, the locals will inevitably steal anything that isn’t nailed down.
Geordies untrustworthy, eh? Who knew?
Of course, the only real lesson of this research is that all students, and Geordies in particular, are thieving rodents. But that is so obvious a point as to be deemed unworthy of mention by the Telegraph’s finest.
Some speculation follows as to the practical applications of the Big Mad Eyes Effect in real life - by speed traps, perhaps, or in underground stations by the ticket barriers. If I may, I would like to suggest that they start with a big, extra-manic pair opposite 10 Downing Street. Maybe that will finally winkle Public Enemy #1 out from under his rock…