Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Black and White Minstrels

The BBC scores yet another victory over the forces of evil as its new “diversity czar” (sic) berates the news team for hiring too many white faces.

Obviously, in these enlightened times, it goes without saying that it is somehow wrong that the faces on TV should in any way reflect the population of the country that employs them. If they’re white, that is. It might not be immediately clear as to why that is, but we can take it on trust, because a ridiculously overpaid professional grievance-monger has told us so.

But the BBC is on the case! Before you know it we’ll have a steady diet of Hutu genocidaires reporting on sub-saharan Africa, and sword-waving jihadists providing the latest updates from Samara. If none of those fascist bourgeois types who actually pay their TV licence fees can understand a word they’re saying, so much the better for “diversity”.

In any case, what such people lack in English language skills they generally make up for in body language, especially throat-cutting gestures of the unmistakable ear-to-ear variety.

But why stop there? Enough of this anthropomorphic chauvinism, I say! Let’s skip the minorites, and have the evening news presented entirely by squirrels rounded up from the bushes outside Broadcasting House. That’ll teach us…

“And now on the BBC, the News for the Deaf.”

Monday, August 28, 2006

Neither a lender nor a borrower be

A touch of the Green-Eyed Monsters this morning, as we read of an unnamed 56-year-old who has somehow accumulated 57 credit cards, and a total debt of £416,000.

Apparently this fiscally-challenged individual managed to max out each and every one of these cards on fried chicken and lottery tickets, and then sat around watching daytime TV until the bailiffs turned up.

What a criminal waste. Why must it always be retards like this who get handed these golden opportunities? If I had 57 credit cards and nearly three quarters of a million dollars to play with, I’d just use a few hundred to buy a new identity, and disappear. After that my only worry would be how much to fritter away on having people killed.

But there we are. It’s all a matter of perverse incentives. In the end, credit card companies make their money off of those too stupid to compare interest rates, so they’re not motivated to hand them out to conservative types like me.

Strange that a government so keen to meddle in every other sphere of personal life should be so loath to enforce a little discipline in this one. But then again, maybe it’s not so strange after all…

An unnamed 53-year-old, yesterday, having trouble managing his loans. Alas - sad double-whammy - he’s also morally bankrupt.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Friday, August 25, 2006

Ivan’s Site of the Week

This week’s winner is Captain Euro - quite possibly the weirdest and lamest propaganda ever made. I owe somebody a hat-tip for this, but can’t remember who put the link in one of their comments. Apologies for that - do speak up if it was you.

I’ve spent about as much time as I think is safe for anyone’s sanity on that site, but I still can’t figure out why all the baddies are circus freaks. I mean, what the hell were they smoking? Will it be Gypsies next? And how are currencies involved in any way, shape or form?

What a rip-off. Somebody’s brother-in-law (or maybe dentist) made a killing on this steaming pile of crap, that’s for sure. Your tax euros at work.

I liked that touch about one of the villains wearing Saville Row of London suits, tho’. Very subtle, that…

Captain Euro, yesterday, about to bust another subversive ring of pesky anti-fraud campaigners. God bless you, Captain Euro!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Overpopulation: just enough of me, way too much of you

More Teutonic hand-wringing, as Germany turns up bottom of the European fertility league, with a score so low that there might be none of them left by the end of the century.

What a tragedy.

In fact, Germany comes out second-last in the entire world, propped up only by Hong Kong, where everyone is riddled with chronic gonorrhea. One can’t help but notice that it’s all the most dysfunctional basket cases that are breeding like pond-life. The US limps in at 137, and the EU doesn’t get a look-in until France at #151.

Current birthrates have been compared to the population explosion in Britain in the early Victorian era, where crippling child mortality was first overcome. But that was endogenous – accompanied by native social and economic progress that allowed Britain to support the increased population by, for example, exporting it to the colonies to machine-gun the locals. What’s happening here is of an entirely different order.

Nowadays some meddling medic turns up in Buttafuque, Chad, and hands out aid-funded antibiotics willy-nilly, with no concomitant effort on the part of the locals to open their economies, clean up their governments, or even to learn to read. And so within twenty years they’re all slaughtering each other over the last twig of firewood and blaming the Great Satan for it.

Bono and Bill Gates want us to do something for the poor? Well, the very first thing we can do is stop sending them medical aid.

Medicin Sans Frontieres ply their evil trade, yesterday. Bloody do-gooders…

Monday, August 21, 2006

If we beat them again, do we get to keep them?


When will the Germans stop banging on about the war? It’s really very tiresome. You don’t catch us Brits bringing it up left and right. It’s all water under the bridge to us, of course.

And what the hell is Grass beating himself up for anyway? He was a seventeen year old conscript, for Christ’s sake – not Himmler’s personal Jew-baiter.

Seems the only people who aren’t allowed to obsess about the war are the ones who actually won it. Oh no. That would be “triumphalism”.

The SS Panzer Division Frundsberg website, yesterday. No word on whether they’ll be inviting Guenter along as yet…

Saturday, August 19, 2006

In your Sunday Irae Magazine this week

Mel Gibson, the shy genius behind Gallipoli, Braveheart, The Patriot, and the Passion of the Christ, finally speaks out…

The English

– are they all Jews?

Friday, August 18, 2006

Ivan’s Site of the Week

This week’s winner is cynic’s heaven in the form of the Uncyclopedia - “the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit”. Another outlet for our perverted creativity, as if one were needed, courtesy of our friend and occasional commenter rodw.

Want to know who founded Canberra? Or how best to fake Churchill quotes? Or even how to survive a robot uprising? Then this is the site for you.

Curiously, there are exactly 2222 entries on George W Bush here, and only one of them gets past the first sentence without using the words “wanker”, “moron”, “cretin”, or “pet rock”. Staid Wikipedia, on the other hand, tells us that
“…he is sometimes referred to by the nickname Dubya. The nickname is often used in an admiring way by his supporters and in a derogatory way by his opponents.”

I know which one I’ll be bookmarking…

The Uncyclopedia, yesterday. Come and bathe in its warming, healing, nourishing glow.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

47% of Frenchmen “very stupid” says Le Monde

A sad day for France, as LibĂ©ration publishes a poll wherein 47% of Frenchmen declare Jacques Chirac’s presidency to have been good for France. Even the spineless, poetry-spouting euro-trash aristo Dominique de Villepin garners a quite unjustified 36% approval rating. Has the heat gone to their smoke-addled heads?

Le Monde speculates that the unexpectedly strong showing of the French national soccer team in Germany might have inspired the voters to take a more benign view of their slimy leaders. Crook, tax cheat, fiddler of state funds to pay for a mistress and child in Japan – all is apparently forgiven as long as les bleus can still poke a winner past Portugal in extra time.

I suppose we should be grateful that they lost the final, or we might be stuck with that insufferable prick for yet another five years. Just don’t get me started on the horrible implications if England had won…

"Have you noticed how we only win the World Cup under a Labour Government?"

Villepin blue, Chirac whiter-than-white.

Monday, August 14, 2006

40% of people “would lie to pollsters” – Poll

Shock and awe as Money Magazine reveals that men will lie to their wives about big purchases, and women about small ones. Not that size is important, of course. Or so I am assured.

Frankly, I find all these statistics equally bogus. All the various options on offer ultimately boil down to the same question – namely, “how much do you lie to your beloved life partner, you weaselly slimeball/chiselling bitch?”

I might pay more attention if there was some indication as to what percentage of the population would make a purchase under $100 without telling their spouse and then give some random pollster the finger? That figure is sadly not supplied…

A pollster, yesterday. Could you lie to those puppy-dog eyes?

Friday, August 11, 2006

Ivan’s Site of the Week

This week, why not take a quick peek into the abyss with Bad Gas’ merciless analysis of the Pound Store phenomenon. Viewed alongside their elaborate deconstruction of the semiotics of fried chicken restaurants, nail care parlours and dodgy fly-by-night churches, you’re sure to come away with a real and chilling insight into the horrors of the Great British underclass.

To me, not the least alarming thing about the site is its almost academic quality in both breadth and depth, not to mention the fact that the phenomena described are instantly recognizable to any Londoner. It’s hard to say what’s more depressing – that it’s all literally true, or that these folks were sufficiently motivated to go out and document it all in such loving – or at least passionate - detail.

Maybe it’s time they just moved?

The Great British Pound Store, yesterday, in its natural habitat (Newham E6, to be precise). A sight to gladden the heart of anyone sitting 3500 miles away…

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Norwegian Wood

Apparently keen to catch up on their Nordic cousins in the happiness stakes, Norway has come up with a bizarre combination of environmentalism and sex to motivate eco-friendly behaviours. Instead of hugging trees, young Norwegian greens find some trees and then do some very vigorous hugging of their own in their midst, for the benefit of the cameras. The results are then posted to

The logic of the site seems to be as follows:
- Potential lumberjacks log on to to view the porn
- Visitors unconsciously come to associate trees with pleasure as they flick at speed through pic after pic to find one where the bird’s tits aren’t obscured by shrubbery
- They then masturbate like wild monkeys until, all passion spent, they deflate across their keyboards, too enervated to lift any other variety of chopper.

Mission accomplished! Another tree saved, for just the cost of a roll of film, a condom and a bit of nettle rash.

Of course, one can’t rule out the possibility that these Norwegian nudes are just having a sly dig at their Swedish neighbours and their bloody IKEA pine flatpacks. Even so, you have to admire their commitment, especially the men. Running around naked in so cold a climate is hardly likely to be flattering to the poor dears...

The fine folk of do their bit for the environment, yesterday. Make love not furniture.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Danish Bacon

The world throws us yet another curve-ball as it emerges that Denmark is 'the happiest place on earth'. One wonders what makes a Dane laugh. Obviously not their cartoonists, if those Mohammed efforts were any guide. They were pants.

Switzerland, Austria and Iceland round out the top four, with sunnier climes only getting a look in at #5 in the shape of the Bahamas. This suggests a strong correlation between happiness and some undefined aspect of Teutonic culture. Danish and Icelandic girls are reputed to go like the clappers, so maybe that’s it. I hadn’t heard the same of their Swiss and Austrian sisters, but I dare say that someone out there can testify on their behalf.

I’m pretty sure Heidi has milked a few bulls in her time, for a start, but then again there’s not much else to do in those isolated Alpine pastures. She is more to be pitied than to be condemned, and in any case it would be a bit hypocritical of us to give her a hard time when so many of us enjoy the results. After all, haven’t you ever wondered why the Milka Cow is purple?

Heidi hard at work yesterday, fresh from putting a smile on the faces of the local males. Note how she hides her right arm, which is now the size of Arnold Schwartzenegger’s. Try not to stare…

Friday, August 04, 2006

Ivan’s Site of the Week

This week’s winner is Dictator of the Month, which some eagle-eyed and anally retentive readers might recall making a brief guest appearance in a previous post on our good friend Alexandr Lukashenko.

I’ve been a regular visitor since then, and I must say I have never been disappointed in its breadth and depth of tyrant-related coverage. Closing our eyes to its vaguely sinister German language sister-site, we’ll assume it’s all good tongue-in-cheek fun and leave it at that. Otherwise my ethical position would be terrible, and I’d hate to live in a world where that could be true…

Anyway, the site has added poignancy for me ever since I invented my marvellous new Alternatron, which allows me to explore alternative histories by changing key events in history. It’s amazing how many top-notch dictators there were who never got the chance to explore their full potential.

Brian Wilson, for example, was a real bastard as acting military governor of post-nuclear California.

Brian Wilson yesterday – the embodiment of ultimate evil. Oooo – makes my skin crawl just looking at him.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Measure twice, cut once

A colleague of mine sees fit to bore me with her life plan for the next five years. As far as I can tell from what little I cannot avoid absorbing while pointedly playing solitaire at her, this master plan consists of
a) systematically eliminating every last Hostess candy bar in existence, and
b) acquiring cats.
At the end of said five years this activity would somehow result in professional success, a charming and wealthy husband, and some kids.

This seems to me to be pretty thin stuff. But I forbear to comment, as I am firmly in favour of planning generally and do not wish to discourage her feeble feminine efforts. Also she might start talking again, and then I’d have to kill her, dump the body, clean the carpet, construct an alibi, and so on. That’s too much like manual labour for my taste.

I love it when a plan comes together. My personal favourite has always been the Schlieffen Plan. I used to ask other people to name their favourites, and when they started answering I'd shriek "I'm askink ze qvestionz here!" in my best German accent. I considered it my humble homage to Alfred Graf von Schlieffen, but the magistrate considered it common assault. And that's why I have a restraining order.

Ironically, a little more planning on my part would probably have been helpful there.

So, go ahead then – what’s your favourite plan?

Alfred Graf von Schlieffen, yesterday – a man before his time.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


Mixed emotions accompany our latest little milestone, as we pass the 20,000 mark in terms of hits:

Domain Name ? (Australia)
IP Address 203.10.224.# (Australian Department of Defence)
ISP Australian Department of Defence
Location Continent : Oceania/Australasia
Country : Australia (Facts)
State/Region : Australian Capital Territory
City : Canberra
Lat/Long : -35.2833, 149.2167 (Map)

Referring URL
Visit Entry Page
Visit Exit Page
Out Click unwept, unhonored, and unsung -
Time Zone UTC+9:00
Visitor's Time Jul 31 2006 5:15:28 pm
Visit Number 20,000

Department of Defence? I wonder what key words I managed to trigger. The post mentions gays, but this is the Australian DoD we’re talking about here, not the British one, so that can’t be it.

Anyway, they obviously have time on their hands down there, as once in our mystery guest was in no hurry to leave…

Time of Visit Jul 31 2006 3:15:28 am
Last Page View Jul 31 2006 3:26:52 am
Visit Length 11 minutes 24 seconds
Page Views 2

Your tax dollars at work.

Far be it for me to begrudge anyone their little break. At least Defence is a department with a real purpose in life, unlike those wastrels at Education or Health. So, many happy returns, whoever you are - you have taken us a small yet significant step further in our journey, and we salute you for it!

The ranks and insignia of the Australian Defence Forces, yesterday. Apparently this blog is now an honorary Seaman, tho’ I may have misheard…