Monday, April 03, 2006

Everything But The Girl

Exciting news for harassed husbands as the new lingerie store concept of Retail Design student Wendy Rameckers is unveiled in Amsterdam. She presents her brainwave at the Shop NL! trade fair together with 5 other students of the Retail & Interior Design Course.

And what an unveiling it is, for her big idea is basically a wall of breasts. "Most men have a selective memory," she explains. "They know all about their car, but never seem to know their wife's bra size. "When trying to buy a sexy bra for their wife or girlfriend, usually they point to other women in the shop or, when asked about size, they say 'een handje vol' (a handful). It’s hopeless."

“But now, with this wall of fake breasts, male shoppers will find things much easier. The wall consists of rows of silicon breasts in all sizes, from tiny to enormous, with a very natural look and feel. All the man has to do is walk along the rows, looking at and touching the breasts until he finds the size he recognizes. What could be easier?”

When the right size is found, the flushed yet happy customer can select a matching bra in long aisles with clear signage, based on the design of aisles in car parts stores.

Sadly key questions are left unanswered. Will there be absorbent flooring for the puddles of drool? Will sticking your head between the ersatz wobblies and going numnumnumnumnum be a valid method of comparison? Is the wall specially reinforced for Aunty M-style “supernork” sizes? Most grievous omission of all, there is no word on how much it would cost just to buy the wall, which may very well be considerably cheaper than the lingerie.

If I had one of those walls, there’s a very real danger that I’d never leave the house. Good thing I’m more of a bum man, myself…


Some breasts yesterday. Who needs bras, after all?

14 comments:

R. Sherman said...

Other questions pose themselves. Will they be on the wall in pairs or singles? Are provisions made for those ladies who are asymetrical? Does a customer have to show proof of marriage before being allowed to squeeze?

Plus, since they're Dutch, you'd think they'd just cut to the chase and use the real thing.

Cheers

PI said...

All natural girls are asymetrical.
Discuss!

Desargues said...

Yes, that wall is missing its natural half--the one to sample the lower half of the female body. No sane man goes into a women's lingerie store to buy only the bra.

I'm somewhat surprised to discover, however, that those practical Dutch haven't also thought of forgetful lasses who want to buy boxers and briefs for their Lebensabschnittssomethings. That ought to make for some interesting walling.

Rob said...

Fuck's sake. What woman in her right mind is going to trust a man to buy her a bra, wall of tits or no? I can't be trusted with buying a pint of milk without coming back with something ridiculous and neither can you, admit it.

HA HA HA said...

daysargv - but wimin dont froget taht stuf. ive had grilfrens who aftar theyd know me a monfht knew betar then me what size close i wear an when my burfdy is. truely scarey.

they're was onyl one who didn do that. shulda maried er.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Randall, they have entire streets in Amsterdam devoted to the real thing, but that's a rather different kind of shopping experience. And if you come home with the bra the wife is strangely unimpressed.

Pi - I agree. God bless them, every (lop-sided) one!

Des - that's one store any man would be well advised to stay out of. For a start, you can imagine the embarrassment as your girl stands forlornly in front of your size contemplating the vast expanse of larger dimensions stretching away to her right.

Rob - very true. In fact my wife complains even if I come back with the pint of milk. I long since gave up buying her clothes of any sort. On the upside, tho', it also gives me an excuse not to buy her jewellery, either.

And 3H, the one to marry is the one who boffs you 'til you bleed out the ears. If she remembers your underwear size, well, that's good too (cf Des' suggestion above). Birthdays really don't come into it. If she remembers, you get a birthday boff, and if she forgets, you make her feel guilty about it, and bingo - more boffing..

Gorilla Bananas said...

We gorillas are also more interested in a female's hindquarters. Silicone boobs are an abomination. Is it safe to drink breast milk from them?

Stew said...

a wall of breasts.

I believe there is a business opportunity here. The manufacturers of the wob(TM) could sell their product to psychiatric hospitals to replace padded cells.

The phrase "he's bouncing off the walls" would take on new meaning

Dr. E. Scientist, phD. said...

I see the text "A wall of boobs"and immediately the image of a pack of congressmen, arm in arm comes to mind.

I must say, I like the Netherland approach better.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Well, Stew, if wanting to bounce gently off a wall of breasts is insanity then there's no hope for any of us.

And Doc, when I think of congressmen, I'm afraid quite another part of the anatomy comes to mind. A wall rather more like Des' suggestion, above...

Aunty Marianne said...

My supernorks would not feature on the WOB as, as far as I can tell, they don't sell bras my size in Europe.

Really not.

I have to go to the USA and raid Lane Bryant's lingerie for beautiful plenteous black ladies, which at least has the merit of not coming in 'flesh' colour (whose flesh is that colour anyway?) and even then I'm the biggest size they carry.

Besides which, meganorks in the Netherlands are often reduced to allow the lass to get to work without getting her tits caught in the bicycle chain. A very high rate of breast reduction ops. Check it out.

Desargues said...

I'm sure the proud ladies of North America would be all too happy to call you one boobylicious girlfriend, then, Aunty M.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Just 'cos they don't sell your size doesn't mean you wouldn't feature on the WOB, Aunty. They might have a special section just for you, so that all men might worship at the shrine.

See? It's not always about you...

Aunty Marianne said...

I had not realised that I was depriving hordes of the faithful from worshipping their righteous idols. That is unfair and selfish of me.

I shall get'em out more.