Long-overdue validation for a much-maligned lifestyle choice today, as scientists reluctantly admit that there is after all some point to left-handedness. At least among snails.
For many years I have borne the bitter yoke of dextrous persecution. My hand was slapped in primary school. I was called names. Scissors and even boomerangs mocked me. But scientists from Yale and Cornell now offer consolation in the form of a recent study of sea snails. They demonstrate that having a “left-handed” shell (one that curves in the opposite direction from the majority, which spiral to the right), offers protection from crab predators, whose claws were on the wrong side to use their preferred method of opening them up and eating them.
Admittedly this appears at first glance to be of little immediate relevance to humans, but maybe the predator-prey analogy is not so far from the mark. Informed speculation on their part points to conflict and battle – and to the potential advantage a leftie would have against a foe unused to dealing with our freakish kind.
In a spirit of objective scientific enquiry, I immediately put this theory to the test by going to the pub and twatting someone over the head with a bar stool. Sure enough, the subject proved quite incapable of resisting my cack-handed assault. The barman did raise some trivial objections on the grounds that I hadn’t warned the poor woman of my intentions, and that she was in any case already drunk, but it just goes to show his poor grasp of scientific method. Frankly one can expect no better from a man with no education to speak of.
He was on firmer ground re the pub’s iron-clad five-drink minimum policy before clubbing anyone unconscious, so I had to waste another quarter hour downing the necessary beers before I could go record my results.
The path of progress is ever strewn with such petty obstacles. If Socrates had lived in North Carolina, he’d have stuck to masonry…
A leftie, yesterday. They walk among us…