Thursday, April 20, 2006

Robbing Hood


Matching its recent coronation as Britain’s capital of gun crime, Nottingham triumphs again as the city with the highest burglary rate in the country, according to a new study by Endsleigh Insurance. It’s hard not to conclude that the town’s long association with that famous medieval mugger Robin Hood has fatally weakened the distinction between meum et tuum in the minds of its feral inhabitants.

If only the shapely young ladies of Coventry were similarly inspired by the example of Lady Godiva. Now that’s what I call a role model.


Liverpool does not appear on the list at all, mostly because Endsleigh’s brave researchers were car-jacked, stripped to their underpants and left for dead within minutes of their arrival. Very few independent observers have ventured into the city in the last twenty years, but experts theorise that by now the entire population has regressed to a Morlock-like existence dwelling in caves, therefore falling outside the scope of current burglary legislation.

Are you from Nottingham? Or perhaps you’re just a bit dodgy anyway? How many burglaries have you committed?


Robin Hood yesterday. Hand over the cell phone, bitch, or I’ll cut you.

17 comments:

Rob said...

Bah. Everyone always ignores Newcastle. We're just a handy place to fight the scots in and that's it. Obtain yourself a domicile here and I shall happily burgle you myself.

Ivan the Terrible said...

I'm sorry, Rob - I mean, I'm flattered and all, but I'm afraid I'm just not interested in that sort of oh wait you said burgle...

Nope, sorry - not much up for that, either.

Desargues said...

Dunno much about Newcastle, but I was glad to see Manchester still has a place o pride in the rankings. For a second there, I was afraid Rusholme might have gone soft and gentrified, with tofu liberals asking you to save the whales instead of your average drugged-up chav demanding you hand over the wallet. But it's comforting to see Mancunians can still be relied upon to burgle you.

If that's Lady Godiva in the picture, I'd lower all her taxes any given day, That's what I call me a small-gub'mint libertarian. However, I hope her example doesn't give Grover Norquistany ideas. [shudder]

But I see there's a war of words going on, Ivan, and all you care about is silly Chinese teenagers and Merseyside muggers. What happened to my country, right or wrong? :-)

Desargues said...

And the fact that some of your own ministers act like the Krauts' fifth column doesn't help, either.

Now that you guys taught me to do hrefs, how do I italicize stuff in comment posts?

PI said...

We had, perforce, to spend time in Nottingham when a son became ill. We had his music centre stolen from the hospital car park and the whole place felt unsafe. Hope never to see it again.
Even in the fifties Manchester was a den of iniquity and yet, just twenty miles north was home, full of decent hard working folk.
Your Godiva looks like a beautiful youth to me.
Ivan don't teach Des any more tricks - he's getting too clever by half.

HA HA HA said...

<i>italeccizd text</i>

teh semacoloans are signifecant. dont leve em uot.

HA HA HA said...

d.a. - mabye theyre tiared of herign ameracians say 'if it wasn for us ud be spekign germen'. now they can jsut say 'wrong-o yankische schveinhund!' an end it right they're.

er nevarmnidn about teh semacolans above. a litl short on sleap he're.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Well, I saw those articles, but I figured I'd spent enough time on the Germans lately - gotta give 'em a rest sometimes or they get stale.

Anyway, the idea of England fans singing in German is beyond satire. What makes the government think that singing that stuff so that the Germans can actually understand it will help prevent trouble? Did they never hear of the Babel Fish?

Desargues said...

Thanks, 3H. That's very helpful. I should have realized that myself; did a bit of XML marking at some point, and this looks very similar. As to short on sleep--you can say that again. Spent 18 hours yesterday working on a paper that I hate already. That's what kept me from filling Ivan's comments box with my predictable inanities--again.

But hey, I'm back in action. Now, about those two Chinese kids, Ivan...
They still have some way to go to match the indescribable William Hung.

Ivan the Terrible said...

So many potential nicknames... so little time...

R. Sherman said...

The official family desires to visit Britain. The official 10 year old wants to visit the "Robin Hood Place." I believe we'll take a pass on that, after reading this post.

Cheers.

Ivan the Terrible said...

You see - this blog is a regular public service. The Shermans are preserved from peril!

That's my good deed for the day taken care of. It's off to the pub for me...

Foot Eater said...

It all depends on what kind of burlary we're talking about. Granted, The North is the place to go for bog-standard breaking & entering, but if it's turd-burglary you're after, head south to Brighton.

PI said...

Fathers: if you have daughters you may care to read my post today.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Footie - don't forget Hove and Hastings. If it was an Olympic event, those three would take gold, silver and bronze.

Pi - will do.

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