Sunday, April 09, 2006

Oxymorons anonymous

Out of the blue, our favourite child bride Sam throws down the gauntlet. Possibly inspired (or at least annoyed) by the recent post on outstanding Balts, she challenges me to name my selection for sexiest politician.

Well, it’s a tough choice, not because it’s a crowded field, but quite the opposite. Looking at the snivelling crew vying for our increasingly worthless votes nowadays, who amongst them could conceivably be considered attractive? A search with the keywords “sexy politician” throws up (and I use that verb advisedly) only one result, John Edwards, former junior Senator for North Carolina and failed Vice Presidential candidate. And frankly, he’s not my type. Bad enough he’s a guy, but he’s also a Democrat. No, no - I’d never forgive myself.

I’m not sure that it’s possible for a normal male to find any politicians sexually attractive. Leaving aside the fact that the vast majority of them are men, even with the presentable females one would too often be pissed off at the stupid ones and intimidated by the clever. One may object that Alan Clark found Thatcher attractive. But then again, he named his doberman after Eva Braun.

But fair’s fair – the question has been asked and it behoves me to come up with an answer, however strained. So, if I absolutely had to, and she was guaranteed drunk, ball-gagged or otherwise incapacitated to enable a swift exit, then I suppose I could do a lot worse than the once and future Prime Minister of Ukraine, Yulia Timoshenko.


Yulia Timoshenko, yesterday. Oh, all right then, but just as a favour to her, mind…

33 comments:

FBT said...

I hear Carmen Kass, super-model, is interested in running for office in her native Estonia. Now I'm no man, but if I were, she would have my vote.

As for male politicians, I have to confess a sneaking regard - alright then, unmediated lust - for Gordon Brown. I can't help it. It's the Scottishness. And the dourness. It's irresistible.

Desargues said...

A friend of mine reliably informs me that the great Joe Pesci once said, "Show business turns men into fags, and women into whores." Now, if we remember that politics is show business for ugly people, I'm left with a severely limited slew of options here.

I'll go with this woman when she decides to go into politics. Despite the fact that she's French--or perhaps because of it.

Desargues said...

Oh, lest I forget: clicking on that picture is not job-environment safe. Kids, don't try this at work.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Being as I was the gauntlet-chucker I thought I'd better put some thought into this one. To conjure up a picture of a sexy politician I Googled about a bit... And then I went online a did a Google search. I'm kidding folks, there are none of them THAT sexy.

Anyway, here's what I came up with. We don't grow our politicians as purdy in Britain as in America, but apparantly, power must be the ultimate sexual aphrodisac, otherwise how to explain the sex scandals of him and him. Robin Cook was a witty bright bloke whose personality could easily have compensated for his garden-gnome thing, but Mellor! You've got to ask yourself who ... and why? Geoffrey Hoon is considered the best catch amongst the political ladies, but to my mind - if I'm absolutely pressed mind, 'cos they're a rum lot to look at, these politicians, meaning you'd need a good deal of rum to find most of them attractive in any tiny way - I'd have to say I have always had a wee soft spot for Chancellor Brown.

The Canadians are sweet on Stephen Harper for his looks, but his hair is way too politiciany - that brow sweep - what is it with the brow sweep? But Russian ladies have the MAJOR hots for Putin apparantly. I always thought he was a bit of a wee weasel appearance-wise, but he does have a dangerous kind of KGB something to him. He'd be sexy in a uniform, I bet. Maybe interrogating somebody.

Over here, Sharon Stone thinks Hillary's too sexy to run! "Stone contended a woman should be “past her sexuality” when she runs for the highest office. “Hillary still has sexual power, and I don’t think people will accept that,” she said. “It’s too threatening.”" Over to the gentlemen and gentlesimian for a view on that one.

When I first started to see Donald Rumsfeld, I thought he could be a man to command a woman's battalions, kinda rugged and gnarly, but, increasingly his expressions revealed his true self and the illusion was gone.

John McCain has that whole integrity thing going on which is nearly as sexy as bad-boy Putin's brand of sexiness, and of the other male senators, I think only Jo Biden could come close.

I usually prefer older men, wee bit more rugged and wise or something, but Barak Obama is pretty damn sexy already and in another ten years he will be ripe for fancying: kinda settling into his face.

I hope my hrefs work on this otherwise it's going to be an uglier read than finding out that David Mellor's done it at all.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I just thought of another one. Afghanistan president Karzai is kind of brooding and sexy too, even in the shark-fin hat.

musafir said...

Yey Bogu, Ivan! Angelina Sondakh, Miss Indonesia 2001 and a Democrat Party MP in the Indonesian parliament since 2004. Like any fashionable MP, she has her own deadly dull blog (angelinasondakh.blogs.com) that reads much as you'd expect a beauty queen's blog to read. She wants to save orangutans, which is nice. So the next time Miss Nebraska or Miss Slovenia makes the finals and tells the world she wants to work with poor children and save orangutans, the other four finalists can hiss out: "Already taken, bitch!"

Aunty Marianne said...

We've sort of had a run on shaggable politicians over at mine. Paddy Ashdown and Dominique de Villepin did quite well.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Musafir, all of these dopey beauty queens are following in breast prints of the great La Cicciolina. She was a pornstar for the man who wanted to think and wank at the same time. And she wanted to save gorillas.

Seamus said...

Yesterday, by pure coincidence, myself and a female friend were discussing the upcoming Italian elections. Apparently in his youth Signor Berlusconi was, as she put it, absolutely gorgeous. Interesting, googleing "young Silvio Berlusconi" and "young Silvio" turns up a load of obvious porn. So I'm not going there.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Obviously all you guys need to get out a lot more, with your long long lists of beddable pols. And Gordon Brown - I mean, what the hell is up with that?

I must admit tho' that I'd forgotten all about La Cicciolina, even though she's Hungarian by birth.

But she puts me in mind of another sweet piece of Italian political candy - Alessandra Mussolini. Not bad at all...

R. Sherman said...

Didn't Mussolini have a granddaughter who was elected to something in Italy? I recall thinking she was kid of cute for a black shirt.

Cheers.

R. Sherman said...

Just checked. Allessandra, she is. I was right. She's cute.

R. Sherman said...

Bugger. Doing my research and Ivan steals my thunder.

Cheers.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

You're right Mr.Terrible. The fact that I spent Saturday night compiling a long list of sexy politicians - with links - doesn't say much for my social-life these days. Either that or it says too much. Off to try and figure out when, exactly, my life got that dweeby. Am reckoning it took an hour. An HOUR! of my life looking at piccies of politicians for their aesthetic value. I also watched "The Weatherman" with Nicholas Cage and it was a lot better than I thought it'd be.

Who thinks Hilary's sexy?

Desargues said...

This man is already a politician, although on a more local scale. There are those who say he'll be in the White House in 2016. He doesn't share your ideology, Ivan, but you may want to go easy on him on account of your common Irish heritage.

But I guess Ivan will see my Martin O'Malley and raise me a John Thune, just to show that conservatives can come up with their own piece of eye-candy, thus disproving the persistent theory that they were they kids who never got laid in college.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Sorry, Randall. If it's any consolation, it was a photo finish.

Sam, time to give in and bang the pool boy. That'll cure you of these perverse politiphile urges. Not a jury in the world would convict you.

Des, sorry, no sale. I'm not going to fall for any boy, no matter how libertarian they be...

PI said...

Gordon Brown with his perpetual moues and Paddy Ashdown with his inherent phoneyness (that doesn't look right).
Now Anthony Crossland with his pin-stripes and phut, phuts as he dragged on his fag - there was a man!

PI said...

Oh Gordon Brown with his perpetual moues and Paddy Ashdown - an old phoney. now Des as you are familiar with the back of my mind - what's the name of the Labour politician in the fif- got it Anthony Crossland in his pin stripes was sexy!

PI said...

Sorry! your comment box is playing tricks on me.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I couldn't find a picture of Anthony Crossland, Pi, but you describe him beautifully: "pin-stripes and phut phuts" are now firmly hung on the newly installed Crossland hook in my mind.

Mr. Terrible, I did, in fact, try it on with the pool-boy, one lonely afternoon when the children were napping. Alas, he was already having it away with my Inuit sous-chef (we're big fans of Eskimo cuisine). I was surprised because I thought the sous-chef was madly in love with the housekeeper, Mrs. McCuish who is on the rebound from the scandalous incident last year when Mr. McCuish, our groundskeeper ran away with our Puerto Rican butler, Troy, who I (sniff) thought loved me. It's all very Upstairs Downstairs. I'm thinking of only hiring eunuchs from now on - no nasty surprises in the linen cupboard and they never want weekends off.

musafir said...

Gorilla B, I can't think of La Cicciolina as a politician. Real politicians - the ones who control nuclear armories and trillion-dollar foreign exchange reserves - would never, never dye their hair.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Anthony Crossland - so good they named him twice :)

Sam, you're a very strange girl. Inuit cuisine is so last year. Better off just boffing the saucier.

And Musafir - thank you. That validates everything I ever thought about Gerhard Schroeder.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Mr. Terrible, take it from me there is noone saucier that my Inuit sous-chef

Ivan the Terrible said...

Please, call me Vanya. After all, we've discussed fantasy politicians and ways to warm an Inuit's harpoon - Mr Terrible seems a little too formal after that, wouldn't you say? :)

Tim Worstall said...

Alessandra Musso? Course she’s awright. Father was a jazz pianist and her maternal aunt is Sophia Loren.
The politics itself is a bit off mind.

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