Sunday, November 26, 2006


An anonymous letter appears on my desk, cunningly scrawled in crayon to defy graphological analysis:

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The only way pople wont see us or haer us is stik close to The shados and weaR som thing on our heads


I am clearly in imminent danger. One’s first thought, naturally, is that 3H has finally snapped after years of typing like an epileptic with Parkinson’s, and has started tracking us down one by one extracting gruesome revenge upon our frail and pasty blogger bodies. But no sooner have I strapped the baby to my chest as a human shield, two small and sinister figures slip into the room and begin skulking among the bookcases…

Fortunately for me, it’s just my two eldest boys. Their stealthy progress is somewhat spoiled by their sister trailing along behind them, shouting “There’th Authtin!” and “Look, Daddy, it’th Wonan!”, and pointing.

This is probably why real ninjas didn’t take their little sisters along on missions.

Ninja costumes being in short supply since the Mutant Turtle variety were retired for soup, the boys have exercised some impressive creativity in the matter of masks. And at least they had the sense to choose clean ones.

Perhaps real ninjas had to wear underpants on their heads too. It would explain their notoriously irascible natures. I rather wish they had, and well-used ones to boot. It would be no more than they deserved, the murdering little monkeys…

Some ninjas, yesterday, and friend. Never mess with a man with underpants on his head.


HA HA HA said...

hmmmm. loooks liek ur kids ows me som royelties.

PI said...

They are gorgeous and now please the baba!

Desargues said...

The ninjas in the third picture look rather sheepish and subdued -- who could do that to a ninja and get away with it, I wonder. Are you some Shaolin master? Ivan, we never knew ye.

The kids' note raises at least one interesting question. Is Arlington's baroque scrambling just a secret longing for the orthographic innocence of early childhood or are your bellicosely inclined children mature enough to have grasped the insight that the rules of spelling are mere conventions, ultimately no more constraining than the requirement to, say, smile to strangers in an elevator? I'll ponder that conundrum for the rest of the week.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Sorry, 3H - seeing as their only source of income at the moment is the tooth fairy, you're not going to get much out of them for a while. Unless of course you want me to hurry things along with a pair of pliers.

Hi Pi - baby will follow when he starts doing interesting stuff. He's been resting on those "cute gummy smile" laurels long enough, in my opinion.

And Des, if you worry about such abstruse questions of conventionality all week, you will never reach that nirvana of detachment that is the ninja mind-set. Just go out there and start hacking away with a razor sharp blade and clarity shall be yours...

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I've never seen anyone with underpants on their heads seem quite that menacing before. Not a one.

You might want to let them know that at least one woman on the internet fears their awesome powers and marvels at their sheer ninjosity. She thinks they're cool.

Lovely, Ivan

Ivan the Terrible said...

Thanks for the thought, Sam. Not sure I want to encourage them in their unorthodox use of underwear, tho'. No telling where that might lead.

R. Sherman said...

Ivan, you should be thankful they used their own underpants, and not your wife's. That would lead to a conversation you're probably not prepared for.

I know I wasn't.


Ivan the Terrible said...

I hesitate to ask, Randall, but was your boy playing ninja, or something else? No, actually, don't answer that...

Anonymous said...

ROTFLMAO. Fun blog. Nice to find you. Through link after link. :-)

Cantemir said...

The ninja's scariest power, of course, is his ability to eat frisbees. Many's the time, during my bachelor days, that I wished I could do the same.

Hey, a quick joke for anyone here who speaks Hebrew: "Why are Georgians such lousy drivers? Because they're used to nothing but shvilim!"

incessant_din said...

Ivan, those kids sure are cute. Almost makes me want kids of my own. Almost.

In the meantime, here is a special skill to pass on to the warriors in training:

Being of their age, I assume you've already lost anything fragile inside the house. If not, remove them to a safe place before beginning this stage of ninja training. Lightweight paper helps too.

I've never subscribed to the policy of protecting kids from all things that might poke an eye out in a freak accident, so maybe these aren't kid-safe and I don't appreciate that aspect. We emerged from childhood with stereoscopic vision, so that's a data point.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The head gear is fine but I don't approve of the Batman insignia. Batman and Robin are not good role models for boys. I'm surprised they weren't pointing toy guns.

Peter said...

Here is an instruction on how to make your own Ninja Mask, no undies here:

Desargues said...

There's something about that joke that I'm missing, Cantemir. I think 'shvilim' is 'paths' in Hebrew (in prison argot, it also means 'rows of coke to be snorted'). On the other hand, many Georgian names end in -shvili; before he adopted the moniker 'Stalin' ('Steely'), for instance, the man was called Djugashvili. But I still don't get it.

Are you Jewish, or just hang out with a lot of Jews? A few months ago, you tested us with that joke about the schmuck on that camel or something.

Cantemir said...


Are you Jewish, or just hang out with a lot of Jews?

Orthodox Christian, Des (although I am a convert.) But yes to point 2.

As for shvilim, it means like (as opposed to 'paved roads, for instance.') The Georgians are supposedly used to shvilim, not roads. They are also known to be rather 'first-generation' drivers, much like mainland Chinese. Almost every Georgian name ends in either -dze or -shvili because these are words indicating descent, rather like Mac-, Fitz-, or -yan (in Armenian.) The joke is a pun across two languages.


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I have no Hebrew, Cantemir. I just know that the ending '-im' marks the plural nominative of nouns in Hebrew. I asked a friend what 'shvilim' meant. Is it related to the German 'Schwelle', I wonder? A threshold would be that which you find at the end of a path, in a way.

Of course, a Semitic language like Hebrew could only borrow from German via Yddish.

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Interestingly, some venues offer special bingo games for kids although some halls don't allow players to have companions while playing. Suppose you bring kids with you, don't let them run around the venue and bother other gamers. They should behave well whilst you play and the game proceeds. Play quietly and don't recite the numbers you desperately want to come off because you'll be much of a disturbance if you do. Decorous playing is expectant of all players, even those who play roulette at casinos. Also, having a valid identification is important because you don't know you might win and need to present credentials.

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