Monday, November 13, 2006

It’s alive!

Wide-eyed innocence from the mad scientist community as they digest the outraged reactions to their plans for human-cow hybrids.

Frankenstein and co. are for some unaccountable reason short of real human eggs to butcher, the general public being notoriously conservative in these matters. Therefore they have hit upon the simple and risk-free solution of injecting human DNA into cows’ eggs, and then smooshing the mewling abominations that result to harvest their juicy, tender young stem cells. Lovely!

"This is a very rational step: to learn what you can using animal eggs, which are readily obtainable, before moving on to valuable human eggs when or if this becomes necessary" explains Professor Robin Lovell-Badge, head of developmental genetics at the National Institute for Medical Research, tossing another puppy in the blender.

It’s good to see the true spirit of pure scientific enquiry alive and well among our brave boffins. And if their unholy mutants lurch out of the castle and stroll down to the village to rip the heads off peasants, well, that’s just regrettable collateral damage in the War on Ignorance.

All in all, a small price to pay if it cures Michael J Fox of his Parkinsons’. Then maybe he’ll finally do Back to the Future IV instead of all those creepy Democratic campaign ads…


“Paging Professor Lovell-Badge to Customer Service, please. Someone would like to register a complaint.”

14 comments:

R. Sherman said...

Mr. Fox was quite prominent on TV here in Missouri in the last few weeks. Of course, the problem was he kept falling out of frame on the commercials.

BTW, I heard you Brits had developed liver tissue from adult stem cells. Query: Are you planning on telling the Irish?

Cheers.

ncp car parks said...

The trouble with mad scientists is that they have such a tin ear for good PR. Human cattle? It has such bad connotations. Now if they crossed humans with something cool like octopi, or lions, or eagles then I think they'd have a lot less trouble with their grant applications.

Anonymous said...

"Udderly Amazing" -Dolly the Sheep

Luke said...

"...unholy mutants lurch out of the castle and stroll down to the village to rip the heads off peasants..."

Cow Man: Ugh. That is so offensive.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Well, to be honest, we didn't think any of you guys were still around...

incessant_din said...

Excellent! A Minotaur is in development... Do you think they'll put it in one of those corn mazes as the special surprise for tourists?

I can't wait until they make a Chimera. I had a hard time picturing what those look like when I read the stories about the good old days.

My neighbors have a Rottweiler chained in their yard most of the day. I'll bet I would look way tougher than them with a Chimera snapping at passers-by.

I'm glad they've finally stumbled onto the real killer app of genome research. Designer pets and monster armies are the future we have all been promised. I was worried that the terrorists were going to drag us back into the middle ages before we had a full chance to take advantage of technology.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Don't forget Planet of the Apes, Incessant. They'll be along in a minute too. Happy days ahead.

The bad news: no prizes for guessing the religion of choice for angry, murderous sub-human mutants...

incessant_din said...

Religion is our ace-in-the-hole. It's the back door to allow us to turn the rage of the hordes into ineffectual bickering. We simply introduce one religion to the creatures, and provide it with a set of somewhat ambiguous holy writings peppered with claims of infallibility. Works every time. Every time.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Benign side-effects such as "ineffectual bickering" are the exception rather than the rule, I'm afraid, ID - in fact they're pretty much restricted to Christianity, with the odd nod towards the non-flammable variety of Buddhists. With the rest, it's all about the head-hacking and the self-immolation. But it's a natural mistake for anyone who uses the Paraclete as their icon :)

Aunty Marianne said...

I'm all for it. I want a whalipede.

R. Sherman said...

Ivan, I went to church and prayed to be blessed by a paraclete, a lovely dove, descending upon me.

But all I got was this. Helpful,yes, but then what does it do for my soul?

Cheers.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Mixed marriages never work. Selective breeding is the way to get a cow man. Start off by mating American footballers with bosomy women and carry on from there.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Most NFL line-backers are waaaaay ahead of you there, GB.

Aunty Marianne said...

Now I want a whalipede AND an American footballer.