Arrr, Jim lad

News reaches us of an indiscreet parrot that has broken up its owners’ relationship by shopping the female for bonking another man while her mate was out at work. Apparently the bird took to imitating her passionate cries of “Gary!” in front of the increasingly suspicious boyfriend, who is a Chris. Given enough time, even a Yorkshireman can join the dots.

It’s difficult to know where one stands on cases like this. No-one likes a sneak, but on the other hand the parrot belongs to the man, and so arguably was showing simple loyalty. After all, we don’t object when Lassie pulls children out of wells, however much we might fantasise about leaving the noisy little bastards down there, and maybe chucking a few rocks in after them for good measure. Mother Nature has not equipped the humble parrot for such feats of strength and daring, but on the other hand she has gifted them with the power of speech, which this one has used to excellent effect.

However, it still smacks of the dirty and the underhanded, and parrots have form in this regard. They are, of course, inextricably linked to piracy, sitting on every captain’s shoulder, directing every villainous scheme, and maintaining their rule of fear by savagely ripping out an eye at the slightest sign of defiance. But when their underlings finally fell into the hands of the authorities, it was all “Pieces of Eight!” and “Polly wants a cracker!” Whoever ended up swinging from the yardarm in Greenwich, it was never the parrot.

Perhaps it’s time that the parrot community followed the example of the Anglican Church, and issued a formal apology for those long-ago crimes. Somehow, I feel that the spirits of Blackbeard and Teach would rest a little easier for it.


A parrot yesterday. Best not to turn your back on him for too long.