Tuesday, January 24, 2006

No fat chicks

I’m sure that we are all grateful to the Economist for a valuable insight into the subtle interaction of diet and reproduction. Conservationists in New Zealand, attempting to save a species of flightless and nocturnal parrots called kakapos, isolated them on predator-free islets and fed the females as much as they wanted to aid them in breeding. Unfortunately, the immediate side-effect of this all-you-can-eat buffet was a generation of fat females producing many more male offspring than female, with predictable results in terms of the parrot equivalents of violence and social cohesion. Only when the scientists cut the ladies’ rations back to being just enough to maintain fertility, and no more, did both gender balance and peace return.

One wonders if there is not some wider application to this lesson. If
free food + lazy females = too many preening males

then perhaps also
state-subsidized chips + idle welfare whores = too many 50 Cent wannabes and knife-wielding ratboy hoodies


Now as the Good Book says, the poor are always with us, as are the stupid. For ease of identification the two are usually the same, with the obvious exceptions of the Royal Family and your boss. No-one minds that there are lots of poor people. But it does become an issue when they are mostly dangerous vermin, and there are not enough dim-bulb scrunchied slappers to ring up your purchases in Boots and jack you off in nightclub car parks. The natural order is at risk.

Wherefore we turn to Mother Nature for answers, and she offers us the example of the humble kakapo. Round up your slappers - she seems to tell us with a benign smile - dump them on some barren offshore rock, and feed them just enough to keep them fertile, and soon cashier lines and cosmetic counters throughout the land will echo once again to the happy trilling of that simple yet decorative creature, the Great British Bird.

Let’s listen to Mother.


A shameless welfare sponger and her hoodlets, yesterday.

12 comments:

Shades of Grey said...

Damn, you're good.

HA HA HA said...

i sence a rael focas om amimnals he're. eva the oane whit the bahedign pichar was abuot liens an lams. hmm.

Harry Hutton said...

I don't know if this will interest you, but the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has more members than the Tory Party, the Labour Party and the Lib Dems combined.

http://www.harpers.org/HarpersIndex2005-12.html

spanish speaker said...

you might hate me from previous comments in Harry's page, but he directed me here and it was worth the click! I think this is so funny

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hi Shadey - you're too kind. I promise to be crap tomorrow, so the pressure will be off.

3H - yes, I've noticed that myself. And it seems set to continue. Am I obsessed? Yet I merely reflect the news - I don't make it. It's a heavy load to bear.

Harry - good for them. There's nothing saner than a hairy twitcher: it's a mild and inoffensive hobby, with an outside chance of some adulterous couple blithely lurching in front of your hide and rutting like retarded rabbits. Something for everyone.

SS - I hate no-one, and you are always welcome. I should be careful of doing everything Harry tells you to do tho'...

Gorilla Bananas said...

What's wrong with focusing on animals, anyway? Sir Hutton only ever mentions them in mockery. First class post, Ivan. Humans have much to learn from the animal kingdom. Yes, indeed.

PI said...

No Ivan - not even for ease of identification can you make the poor and the stupid the same. I used to be poor and I have a certificate to say I am not stupid.
Well not all the time anyway.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Ah, Pi - but you might be somebody's boss...

roy said...

Your photo of the poor woman and her children seems to be down, which is a great disappointment, as that sort of thing excites me sexually.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hi Roy - sorry to hear that - it seem to show up for me. Maybe a refresh is in order? If still no joy let me know and I'll make good on our double-your-porn-back guarantee tomorrow...

roy said...

I see the photo now. It is not at all what I expected. I suppose you think you're very funny. Well, you are, but while that may cover a lot of sins, it hardly makes up for my momentary disappointment, at least from my point of view.

Ivan the Terrible said...

I thought it was very alluring. But as 3H pointed out above, I may be a little deviant in that regard...