Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Diana of the Effusions

Princes plan tribute to Diana” the Telegraph announces breathlessly.

Oh, thank God. For a moment there I thought the world was about to forget that saintly and exceptional woman.

Not for her just the traditional church service. Only a massive concert in Wembley Stadium will do for someone like Diana, who overcame crippling social advantages and embarrassingly large subsidies of everyone else’s taxes to become the world’s premier clothes horse.

“We want it to represent exactly what our mother would have wanted, how she was and all that sort of thing” explains William, with the articulacy that only the finest pedigree and years of intensive and privileged schooling can produce.

“We hope to commemorate and celebrate our mother’s life, as it’s been 10 years since she died, with a memorial service on August 31 in London” he continues, his brother squatting beside him poking a termite mound with a stick, “and then a concert, a tribute concert, celebrating her life on July 1 on her birthday.”

One’s Royal grasp on the workings of the calendar seems a little shaky there, but go easy on the poor kid, now. He’s just lost his mother after all. Or at least very likely just noticed. Maybe they switched nannies on him or something.


Building on this tremendous success, the brothers plan to follow up with a Concert for Pinochet, celebrating the life and achievements of Chile’s veteran military strongman, who died last week at the tragically late age of 91.

Given Pinochet’s long-standing association with football stadiums, the Princes have decided to book Wembley for an extra night and run both parties together. Tho’ obviously the Pinochet event will offer less in the way of music, inclining more towards the mass torture and extra-judicial execution of left-wing activists.

“Harry’s already picked out his costume, haven’t you Harry?” adds William, smiling indulgently as his brother swings idly from a nearby chandelier peeling a valet with his feet.

Of course, nothing comes easy to two such troubled youngsters, and here too there are obstacles to overcome. “The servants tell me that no-one in the Labour Party qualifies as left-wing any more, so we’ll probably have to settle for George Galloway, and make up the numbers with some Lib Dems…”

Sadly, General Pinochet’s family have already declined their invitations. “My father was a notorious fascist who for nearly twenty years held our beloved Chile in his mailed fist, murdering thousands to maintain his bloodthirsty rule” explains his daughter in a prepared statement. “He certainly would not wish to be associated with anything so indefensible as hereditary monarchy…”


William and Harry, yesterday. “We’re Royals, you know. It’s not as if we have anything else we should be doing.”

21 comments:

Cantemir said...

I can see that the Queen's attempt to breed some height back into the Royal lineage worked. Pity you have to take the horse's ass with the horse's face, though. If only the Greek Parasite had come better equipped, perhaps she wouldn't have had to resort to such drastic measures.

As far as accepting the coronation of those two louts, let me be the first to cry out "nem, nem, soha!!"

Cantemir said...

I mean, one among those two. More coffee, yeah.

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's actually suprising how inoffensive the British royal family are when they keep a low profile. I think they should model themselves on the humble mole. That creature should be on their coat of arms.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Well said, GB. An added attraction would be that it's perfectly legal to whack moles over the head with a shovel.

Anonymous said...

Good idea. Sir Elton can vomit on stage, after he's performed another re-write of the Marilyn Monroe song.But how about switching the venue to Cardiff Stadium?Then they could keep Dad's Principality involved.

Anonymous said...

Let's not be too harsh. After all Di was very anti-land mine though I suspect it's because she was never in a position of having her flank turned by Zulus, where the utility of such weapons becomes apparent.

Of course, she left her "flank turning" to her rich Arab boyfriend.

Cheers.

incessant_din said...

I think the Royals get a bum rap. They are obliged to live their life in the public eye, a great burden for any human to endure. It is only fitting that the lower classes subsidize their debauchery.

Just like Britney and Paris, it would be wrong to ask them to carry their crosses without the sympathy of an adoring public to soften the blow. I think the real travesty is that Britney is not allowed to have K. Fed beheaded for his inadequacy.

Anonymous said...

I think I love you.

Anonymous said...

The mole thing is a good plan.

Sir Elton already carries a dead one on his head.

AndrewM said...

Sometimes Ivan, you and your band of lickspittles really disappoint me.

It wasn't so long ago that sentiments such as yours would have resulted in a legal action for treason. Or better, some cold steel.

It ill befits anyone to mock those who cannot defend themselves. (Not because they're stupid, but because they don't wish to lower themselves to level of the gutter). I can only surmise that your animosity comes from a lack of appreciation of the role of the monarchy, and the contribution that they make to the wellbeing of the people of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth. Please read up on it.

I have a lot of time for our good friends on the other side of the pond and I therefore cannot put down your lack of appreciation to mingling with federalist types. I suspect you may have been interfered with by a Beefeater when a small child. Am I correct?

Cantemir said...

It wasn't so long ago that sentiments such as yours would have resulted in a legal action for treason.

My dear fellow, during that period, Ms. Mountbatten-Windsor and her Egyptian stallion (not to mention the rest of her stable,) would have been drawn and quartered because their adultery would have raised questions about the legitimacy of the royal line. The line, naturally, proceeds through the Prince of Wales, and only incidentally and because of him through his wife, or any other consort with whom he might choose to frolic and produce bastards.

HTH,
Cantemir

Ivan the Terrible said...

Uh oh. There's a bridge in Fairyland that's missing its troll...

Desargues said...

I don't think he's a troll, Ivan. What if the guy's for reals, as we say in the ghetto? I mean, how cool would that be to come across one like him -- it's like discovering a dynosaur egg or something. Indiana Jones in the blogosphere, that's what you are.

I dunno whether to take offense at being called one of Uncle V's lickspittles or to feel pride at being told I'm a federalist. I'll take the latter, I guess. It soothes my republican sensibilities.

Anonymous said...

HA HA Andrewm

What goes around comes around.

PI said...

And yet he doesn't hide behind anon.

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