Thursday, February 09, 2006

If I were a whale, I’d be pretty upset

Now on sale in America – the Princess Diana action figure. Hurry hurry hurry while stocks last – only ten thousand will be made!

Exquisitely detailed right down to the well-thumbed underwear, not only is it fully poseable with realistic retching and grasping hand action: it also recites 25 "historic" phrases that capture the essence of this truly remarkable adulteress and freeloader:

"I'd like to be a queen of people's hearts"
"There's far too much about me in the newspapers, far too much"
"I want to do good things"
"I don't sit here with resentment. I sit here with sadness"


Of course no doll could capture her true magic…

“Let’s go shopping”
“Of course Charles is Harry’s father – ha ha!”
“Jeeves - send up another barrel of taxpayers’ money”
“I want another holiday!”
“No, no, no – I only do pretty orphans, you silly little commoner”
“Give me your proud Egyptian obelisk my swarthy stallion”
“Those little men in the white Fiat – are they Mossad or MI5, do you think?”


The United States is a republic, of course, and so does not benefit from Britain’s unrivalled crop of cretinous royal parasites. Presumably this is why they keep trying to substitute for them by worshipping locally raised rodents like the Nazi-loving, mafia-hugging, election-stealing, wire-tapping, girl-drowning Kennedys. Even so, one wonders if there could be anyone so retarded as to buy this item and yet still be allowed out on their own without a leash. A hint as to the target market for this little treasure is provided by the fact that the box it comes in is lovingly inscribed “Diana, Princess of Whales”.

There are 300 million people in the USA. There are 10,000 Diana dolls. That’s enough for roughly 0.00003 % of the population. The average IQ of the bottom 0.00003% of the population lies around 35 to 40 – ie, just barely smarter than a programmable toaster. And they’re monarchists, each and every one…


The Diana doll yesterday. A great disappointment to all true fans, being not nearly as pointless and annoying as the real thing.

19 comments:

R. Sherman said...

It's nice to see someone else blogs early in the morning. When Chas & Di married, I was in college. My roomates and I bought a $5.00 toaster, giftwrapped it and sent it to "Charles & Diana Windsor, c/o Buckingham Palace, London, Great Britain." It was never returned and the clods didn't even write a "Thank You" note.

Cheers.

Ivan the Terrible said...

And today that simple toaster is all grown up with little waffle irons of its own. Certainly much too sensible to buy the doll, tho'.

Gorilla Bananas said...

A bearded blogger said of Princess Diana: "She was an annoying cow, but I'd still have shagged her." Sums her up nicely.

Ivan the Terrible said...

As a taxpayer, however, I found her a bit pricey. Especially as the shag was never really on the cards.

Anonymous said...

I believe that, at the present, there are many more whales in the US population than a mere 10,000. So, if each American whale is entitled to a princess, the producers of Plastic Diana will have to reissue a massive second edition of the demotic royal.

I have some doubts as to the late princess' shaggability coefficient, though. The one royal who seems to have gotten himself a really nice piece of ass is Harry "Afrikakorps" Windsor. Check it out:

http://www2.noticiasdot.com/stilo/contenido/noticias/2005/0205/0102/images/Chelsy_Davy.jpg

Smokin', eh?

--Desargues

Ivan the Terrible said...

Looks a bit of a chavette to me. Add a Ford Capri and some slightly bigger hooped earrings and we're all set. Given Harry's lineage(which of course owes nothing whatsoever to the House of Windsor) she'd be just about his mark.

Anonymous said...

Point granted, Ivan--but, as far as mere shaggability is concerned, chavette status and being...um... bangable are far from mutually exclusive. It's true that the girl may look more in her element if she wore a Burberry cap and tracksuit pants. I hear she's from South Africa.

I was too young when Chuckie and La Spencer got married; had I been older, it would have been the same eminently forgettable event to me. However, about half a decade ago, I heard that the soprano Kiri Te Kanawa sung Haendel's "Let the Bright Seraphim" at their wedding. She used to have one of the most angelic voices in all of opera. And to have her sing for you, my friend, is the only cool thing to being a royal prick these days.

If you're ever interested, give this a try:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000004150/qid=1139523170/sr=1-11/ref=sr_1_11/103-4642918-2082231?s=classical&v=glance&n=5174

--Des.

Stubby said...

Bravo, Ivan, bravo. a GREAT post.

I just happen to be reading Royal Babylon: The Alarming History of European Royalty. It's hilarious and, of course, all the funnier because true. And though I've never been a monarchist, I never realized just how appalling that particular family (the Windsors/Saxe Coburg whatevers) have been. Stupid, crazy, fat and dirty.

Would anyone like to hear my favorite anecdote about the present Queen's daddy?

Anonymous said...

That's blasphemy, Stubby. Monarchs rule by the grace of God, don't you know? Careful with your words, lest the Archbishop of Canterbury issues a fatwa on you.

--Des.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hi Des, Stubby! So much dirty laundry, so little time! Extra points to you both if either of you can name Prince Andrew's father...

Anonymous said...

I'm not in the habit of reading the Gotha Almanach any more, but I suspect Prince A's daddy is the Prince Consort, or the Duke of Edinburgh--that bemused, half-senile, heavily-decorated old dude who walks by the Queen's side at public ceremonies?

Am I completely talking out of my ass?


--Desargues

Ivan the Terrible said...

The Earl of Carnarvon, I heard. There's certainly a powerful resemblance in the pics.

Anonymous said...

Are you pulling my leg, Ivan?

Which earl, to begin with? The fifth earl is probably the best know, on account of his successful dabbling in egyptology. But that can't be Prince A's dad--he died a lonmg time ago. The present earl maybe be Andrew's half-brother, according to your conjecture:

http://www.greenham-common-trust.co.uk/images/earlc.jpg

I fail to see any resemblance between the mild batracian face above and this strapping young man:

http://worldroots.com/brigitte/gifs/andrewwindsor.jpg

Andy's upper face is, to my mind, clearly inherited from Prince Philip; his unobtrusive chin and undecided mouth seem to make him Lizzie's offspring. But again, I don't have a picture of the RELEVANT Earl of C.

Ah, to hell with them all inbred buggers! Who gives a toss, anyway? My question is: how long will the brave people of Britain have to put up with these useless relics?

--Des.

Ivan the Terrible said...

I get my information from an unimpeachable source - that guy who hangs out behind the 7-11 screaming at the pigeons. Yeah, who cares anyway? Every extra day with them hoovering up the tax money is another day of shame and infamy in my book. So you see it's no accident that I ended up over here in the US...

R. Sherman said...

I really enjoy reading your comments about things we in Missouri only dream about in order to try and mentally escape the bucolic Ozark Plateau. And here I thought an "Earl" was the strange uncle with the drinking problem.

Cheers.

Ivan the Terrible said...

You're not far wrong at that, Randall...

Aunty Marianne said...

Back to the doll. What the hell is wrong with its legs?

I think I'll pass.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Well, she was reputed in life to have had impressive "flexibility". I dare say recreating that was a bit of a challenge for the dollmakers.

Erika said...

I peg people with 70 to 85 IQs as monarchists. I believe the technical term for their intelligence is "minimal intellectual function." Anyone with an IQ lower than 70 is mentally retarded and probably doesn't know a monarch from their blankie.

The American equivalent for monarchs would have to be the celebrities, especially the most talentless and stupid of the bunch (i.e. Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson).