Monday, October 02, 2006

Making a virtue of necessity

An acquaintance at work directs the conversation towards the subject of vices, during one of our occasional smoke breaks.

Sadly, I reflect that I only have the one vice left, and I’m doing it. He looks to see if my hands are in my pockets, but I waggle my cigarette at him, and comprehension dawns.

After further reflection, he says that if that’s the only vice we have, we’re not so bad, but I’m not so sure. After all, I don't have time for any of the other solo vices, and no-one seems interested in the mixed doubles events, so I can hardly claim to be good on those grounds alone. Where there is no temptation, one cannot have resisted it.

Maybe some particularly kind-hearted or otherwise mentally-impaired female will offer to go halves on another vice sometime, and then I can put my mettle to a genuine test. In the meantime, the most I have to struggle with is walking past the break-room snack machine without emptying all my change into it. And as long as they refuse to stock fifths of Bourbon in the damn thing, that is no great sacrifice.

So what’re your vices?


Some vices, yesterday. Curiously, smoking, sexism and fatty foods are omitted in favour of Idolatry, Greed, Lust and Anger. Somebody’s overdue for some sensitivity training…

15 comments:

Kieran said...

I'm quite partial to a bit of idolatry from time to time, but I only do it as a social thing. And post-coitus.

R. Sherman said...

Of course, it is only we humans who categorize sin, as in, "my sin is not as bad as yours."

Sigh.

In for a penny, in for a pound, I say.

Cheers.

P.S. I still smoke, too.

PI said...

I've given up most of them but can be bitchy, uncharitable and cynical. Alas!

Gorilla Bananas said...

The most original one I ever saw was a man biting his toenails. Gorillas find that easy, but for a human it requires sharp teeth and a supple back.

apprentice said...

I've discovered sloth and if this is sin then, had I the inclination, I'd eat my hat.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Any human male that supple, GB, has graver and more distubing sins to confess that chewing his toenails. I don't know about gorillas, but every chimp knows exactly what I mean...

I made a graven image of the curvaceous beauty next door once, Kieran, thus neatly ticking three boxes out of the Original Ten - adultery, idolatry, and coveting thy neighbour's piece of ass. I have almost a whole stone tablet to myself...

HA HA HA said...

frist time my garnfathar saw me slmoking he siad 'ah ur smogking! good! a man ouata have a vice an taht ones beter than drinking'. he was suoused at teh time as usual.

anyhow teh guy wavign his arum in teh pichar lookes liek shaan magowan.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Appropriate, really, wouldn't you say, 3H? After all, Shane McGowan can cover a multitude of sins, simultaneously. They could've sent the rest of the cast in that pic home early.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Don't smoke or gamble and amn't particularly covetous usually, when I'm not trying to buy bookshops off the peg from their poor bewildered owners (don't ask, but I will tell you there are good and honest people in this world who don't want to make a killing on the back of some lunatic housewife)

Vices: Occasional over-imbibery although not nearly as much as you might expect for a Hebridean Scot. I'm not proud of it though, joo'hear! I was saying to my husband the other day "You know honey, I don't think we drink enough." (I'm not making that up. It was following a wander through Blogland though, which shouldn't surprise any of you);

Sexual thought crimes which wax and wane with my libido. Not acted upon (having wed & bred) but certainly entertained. Is that a sin? I'm sure it must be a vice.

I can be cynical, paranoid, uncharitable, morose, selfish, extremely irritable, irritating, reclusive and have delusions of grandeur. That's just the third of the iceberg that's above the water. I have plenty to work on.

Cantemir said...

re: Idolatry: I encourage you all to google for 'grugis' and to get to know Dorm Wars.

rodw said...

A modernised version of rodw's 7 deadly sins
1) Not doing enough to stop greenhouse gas emissions
2) Readings blogs during working hours
3) Purchasing running shoes made in a Vietnamese sweatshop
4) Watching too much TV
5) Food input greater than exercise output
6) Failing to do my fair share of the housework
7) Finding sarcasm funny

Desargues said...

I'd really love to be able to indulge more often in the much reviled vice of fornication. That's the kind of vicious bastard I aspire to be.

Other than that, I pretty much engage in the same vices as you, Ivan -- with much gusto, I must say. The snack machine leaves me cold, tho'. They don't sell Jack Daniels on campuses, predictably. But I expiate heavily for these minor shortcomings. More than a few paternalist do-gooders walk by admonishing me, "y'know, those things are gonna kill ya." If they're women and hot, I wink at them, as if saying, hey baby, how you doin'. If they're women, but ugly, I just stare daggers at them. If they're guys, I just snap back, "what, you think you're gonna live forever, asshole?"

I don't suppose thou shalt not gamble thy fortune was on any of the original tablets, was it? Good. 'Cause I don't indulge in any of that, let it be said now. Gambling is for suckers.

Other than that, I very much covet my neighbors' wives.

Fat Sparrow said...

"The most original one I ever saw was a man biting his toenails. Gorillas find that easy, but for a human it requires sharp teeth and a supple back."

Damn, GB, first the farting thing and now this. You do know my ex-husband, don't you?

"Any human male that supple, GB, has graver and more distubing sins to confess that chewing his toenails. I don't know about gorillas, but every chimp knows exactly what I mean..."

Ivan, I'll bet he did, too, the dirty bugger. There's a reason why they're exes....

Hmmm, vices. Far too many, and all boring. I miss smoking. Benson & Hedges were lovely. And clove ciggies. Yum. Had to give it up for the current husband. Like Sam (Hi, Sam!), I don not drink anywhere near enough. Funny that, Sam, I was just saying the same thing to Spouse Sparrow the other day.

Thomas Pauli said...

I don't smoke or drink, I have no affairs with women - I have only oe vice: I lie.

Ivan the Terrible said...

See, TP - only the one vice again. Not so bad, is it? Way better than Sam anyway, but that's to be expected - she's Scottish you know.

Don't beat yourself up about the coveting, Des. That's just the sign of a healthy appetite. It's when you take that appetite home and find yourself dining alone that vice comes into play...