Monday, February 27, 2006

Even in Brighton, waving your didgeridoo at a policeman is a criminal offence.

A sad day for aboriginal culture, as one of their sacred icons is shamefully abused.

The didgeridoo has not been considered an offensive weapon since Rolf Harris ended his reign of terror twenty years ago. Unfortunately a troubled young man in Hove has dragged its name back into the mire with a noisy yet ineffective rampage in that sleepy seaside Sodom.

Ryan Jones, 23, bricklayer by trade, apparently took exception to a remark his flatmate made about an ex-girlfriend of his. Inspired by the vast quantity of alcohol he had consumed in one of Britain’s new all-day drinking establishments, he decided to resolve their dispute by:
- Chasing his flatmate around the flat with the didgeridoo, offering violence
- Falling over, gashing his head
- Removing his shirt
- Attempting to smash all the windows in the flat with his didgeridoo, resulting in 0 (zero) broken windows and 1 (one) severely scratched didgeridoo, and finally
- Waving the didgeridoo at attending police officers with the words “I'll f***ing have you and any copper who dares to come in”

Unfazed by the Antipodean WMD bouncing musically yet harmlessly off of their helmets, Hove’s finest promptly applied a brief burst of tear gas and led their hacking, wheezing prey off to the station for the traditional tumble down the stairs on the way to the cells. There’s a George Cross or two on the cards for those gallant constables, unless I miss my guess.

“The Australian aboriginal didgeridoo is one of the oldest musical instruments known to man” notes the Telegraph, apropos of nothing. We are at a loss to say what inspired this non sequitur, unless it was to imply that this was the first time anyone had thought to brandish it as a club. No-one who has ever heard a didgeridoo in action will give houseroom to this theory for a second. Exposure to even trace amounts of didgeridoodery can have devastating long-term psychological impacts. I give you Germaine Greer, just as an example.

Experts believe this to be the worst outbreak of obscure-musical-instrument-related violence since a man with a crumhorn went berserk in Paddington Station last year, knocking over two piles of unwanted Metro freesheets and startling a pigeon. Tony Blair yesterday announced primary legislation to outlaw the private possession of didgeridoos, sackbutts, crumhorns, and dulcimers as of January 1st 2007.


Didgeridoos, yesterday. Just some of the many hundreds turned in during the last amnesty.

15 comments:

PI said...

Of course the DT have to demonstrate that they know everything about everything. The sad thing is the police, I believe, have confiscated his precious didgeridoo. What is a chap to do without it?
So kind of you to proffer Germaine but we already have a surfeit.

Foot Eater said...

The story is clearly a tissue of lies from the get-go. There are no straight men in Brighton.

Anonymous said...

I guess I'm with Foot Eater on this one. According to the newspaper, young Mr. Jones started an altercation with his roommate when the latter mentioned Jones's girlfriend cheating on him. The evident implication is that our fellow is straight. However, lunging at police with an elongated, cylindric object, and yelling "I'll f***ing HAVE you"?... Hmm... I'm just not sure about this man's sexuality.

But what is a 'charge of affray' in England, Ivan? Is it trying to scare a policeman by threatening to subject him to unbearably bad Aborigine music? Even your criminals in Britain are so tame! In LA's South Central, a charge of affray would include having at the cops with an RPG.

--Desargues

Anonymous said...

Oh, apparently "Grizzly Man" Threadwell's very distant ancestors used to end up the same way he did:

http://dsc.discovery.com/news/briefs/20060220/earlyhumans_arc.html?source=rss

Some people never learn, I tell ya.

--Des.

staghounds said...

"the traditional tumble down the stairs on the way to the cells. "

Oh, I am laughing so hard. Great analogy with guns, wonderful.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hi Pi. Sorry about the Germaine overload, but that was by far the best pic of her I could find. Not terribly photogenic, is she?

Foot Eater, Des, maybe I can square the sexuality circle for you. It is possible, after all, that he was angry at the suggestion that he had ever slept with a woman at all. They're so sensitive in Hove, you know. Like "Grizzly Man", that might not be a survival trait but it's surprisingly persistant.

And Staghounds - you're too kind...

HA HA HA said...

'digaradoo'? is taht what ur calin em now?

las time i waved miane at a cop he hualed me in for idnecant esposture.

HA HA HA said...

p.s. telin im hes got prety eyes wont help.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Except in Amsterdam. Or so I'm told.

Aunty Marianne said...

I'll tell you what should be outlawed. I was agressed in the metro on the way home this evening by a man with one of those portable inflatable organs.

I was.

I had to give him money to make him go away.

HA HA HA said...

ivan - uhhh huh. u had tihs 'freind' right?

Gorilla Bananas said...

It was his own fault for bringing an innocent piece of wood into the argument. He should have just thumped his chest. Humans and their tools! 'Toys for the boys' as Germaine would say.

Ivan the Terrible said...

You paid him to go away, Aunty, or to deflate? No need to shell out for that. Ignore them long enough, and men tend to deflate naturally.

But that's what you get for flaunting those "meganorks" of yours at posh parties, I'm afraid. One acquires a reputation, you know.

I have many friends, 3H, and I don't judge, for I am a broad-minded and generous soul. Which also means that I refuse to rise to GB's crude double-entendre. You won't find me stooping so low...

HA HA HA said...

'infaltebl orgen'? a acordien u mean?

Ivan the Terrible said...

Dunno. I've just come from GB's post re the supposed aphrodisiac qualities of fast cars, where quite another definition of "inflatable" is being applied...