A sad day for aboriginal culture, as one of their sacred icons is shamefully abused.
The didgeridoo has not been considered an offensive weapon since Rolf Harris ended his reign of terror twenty years ago. Unfortunately a troubled young man in Hove has dragged its name back into the mire with a noisy yet ineffective rampage in that sleepy seaside Sodom.
Ryan Jones, 23, bricklayer by trade, apparently took exception to a remark his flatmate made about an ex-girlfriend of his. Inspired by the vast quantity of alcohol he had consumed in one of Britain’s new all-day drinking establishments, he decided to resolve their dispute by:
- Chasing his flatmate around the flat with the didgeridoo, offering violence
- Falling over, gashing his head
- Removing his shirt
- Attempting to smash all the windows in the flat with his didgeridoo, resulting in 0 (zero) broken windows and 1 (one) severely scratched didgeridoo, and finally
- Waving the didgeridoo at attending police officers with the words “I'll f***ing have you and any copper who dares to come in”
Unfazed by the Antipodean WMD bouncing musically yet harmlessly off of their helmets, Hove’s finest promptly applied a brief burst of tear gas and led their hacking, wheezing prey off to the station for the traditional tumble down the stairs on the way to the cells. There’s a George Cross or two on the cards for those gallant constables, unless I miss my guess.
“The Australian aboriginal didgeridoo is one of the oldest musical instruments known to man” notes the Telegraph, apropos of nothing. We are at a loss to say what inspired this non sequitur, unless it was to imply that this was the first time anyone had thought to brandish it as a club. No-one who has ever heard a didgeridoo in action will give houseroom to this theory for a second. Exposure to even trace amounts of didgeridoodery can have devastating long-term psychological impacts. I give you Germaine Greer, just as an example.
Experts believe this to be the worst outbreak of obscure-musical-instrument-related violence since a man with a crumhorn went berserk in Paddington Station last year, knocking over two piles of unwanted Metro freesheets and startling a pigeon. Tony Blair yesterday announced primary legislation to outlaw the private possession of didgeridoos, sackbutts, crumhorns, and dulcimers as of January 1st 2007.
Didgeridoos, yesterday. Just some of the many hundreds turned in during the last amnesty.