A moment of silence please, in sympathy with our good friend Randall, whose wisdom teeth have erupted this week as is their wont, without warning or provocation, causing alarm and despondency among the innocent civilian population of Missouri. Perhaps we should rename them muslim teeth.
I know from bitter experience precisely what lies ahead for poor Randall, having had mine out just last year. I only did it to get my dentist to shut up. From the very second he caught sight of them he became a man obsessed, showing every sign of viewing their possession as a deliberate provocation, or perhaps a disgusting perversion akin to child molestation. And so my hitherto blameless back four had to go.
I’m told that this is pretty much par for the course among American dentists, and not just for the whacking fee they charge, but (if the flying-spittle-flecked harangues were any guide) out of a genuine cult-like fervour to eliminate wisdom teeth wherever they might be found. It’s possible that the American Dental Association is building some sort of underground lair out of them or something, but more likely they’re just a key ingredient in Titleist™ golf balls.
I sometimes wonder why I succumbed. In the end, it wasn’t worth the hassle of arguing with an ex-navy dentist while he had both Popeye-sized forearms in my mouth up to the elbow with a drill. When my doctor tried a similar line on my foreskin, on the other hand, she met rock. I don’t care what nonsense they trot out about splits, impacted glands, and HIV virus retention, no-one is going to wave a knife near my knob, period.
And circumcision is just as much a secular sacred cow in the States as the War on Wisdom. I don’t know how on Earth the Yanks managed to talk themselves into it in the first place, but there we are. Did a certain ethnic group disproportionately represented in the medical profession and with particular expertise in the practice con the dim-bulb goyim with health scares so they could earn a little extra cash? No, that’s just crazy talk. Whatever the reason, so deep rooted is the cultural norm now that you have to tell incredulous nurses several times over, very slowly, read-my-lips fashion, that No, thank you very much, we don’t want him circumcised, no, no he won’t get AIDS, and no, it is possible to shower properly with a foreskin, so no – I said NO! take another step and I’ll twat you with a chair you glassy-eyed bitch now put that scalpel down and FUCK OFF!
Regular readers will know that we Terribles are on countdown for child #4, due in July. We discovered last week that it’s a boy. I can see already that I’m going to be beating the snip-happy bastards off with a baseball bat…
Some wisdom teeth, yesterday. Aren’t you glad I didn’t go with the circumcision pic? I certainly am.