Thursday, March 16, 2006

The unsung heroes of Somerville, Massachusetts

I find the following on siteminder this morning:
Visit 5000
Domain Name ? (Commercial)
IP Address 209.6.203.# (RCN Corporation)
ISP RCN Corporation
Location Continent : North America
Country : United States (Facts)
State : Massachusetts
City : Somerville
Lat/Long : 42.3916, -71.1047 (Map)

Visit 5000! There should have been flowers.

Who was this mystery visitor? One of the few presentable females in Massachusetts yet to be raped and drowned by a Kennedy, perhaps? I understand many of these unfortunates are hidden away in attics waiting for their ticket to safety on the Underground Railroad, the internet their only window on the outside world. Well, whoever it was, they didn’t stick around long.
Time of Visit Mar 15 2006 12:18:43 am
Last Page View Mar 15 2006 12:18:48 am
Visit Length 5 seconds

I dare say all the outrageous German-baiting scared them off. I told you guys to play nice, but oh no, you wouldn’t listen to me.

Whatever. Unknown reader, we salute you… and the other 4999 visitors who upon whose giant shoulders you stand. May God send angels to sing you all to your respective rests!

Update: Closer examination of the other 4999 visits reveals them to be the product of just 7 sad, soap-dodging obsessive-compulsives all repeatedly pressing refresh on their browsers while work and family life fall apart unnoticed around them. You know who you are…

Somerville Massachusetts, yesterday. Its existence is given meaning at last, being now forever immortalised by this singular milestone in Blogdom.


staghounds said...

Soap dodging? Soap dropping, more likely.

Congratulations on the 5000.

Desargues said...

My work IS on its way to falling apart, Ivan--thanks to your blog, in part. :-)

But never let it be said that I've been a soap-dodger. I'm not French, y'know.

Cantemir said...

Make that 8 soap-dodging compulsives.

PI said...

I am so jealous. We started at the same time and you have so much more to show than me. Where am I going wrong?

xpanxpunkx said...

Woo! My hours spent pressing 'reload' have finally earned me some recognition!

Ivan the Terrible said...

Stags - thank you. May your soap never leave your grasp.

Des - I'd never have dreamt of including you in that category! But if the cap fits...

Hi Cantemir - and welcome aboard. Always nice to have someone new to talk to apart from the Voices.

And Pi, I feel your pain. The simple answer is, plenty of skin lightly leavened with the occasional racial slur. Try posting some pics of drunken strippers beating a mullah to death with a four-foot dildo. I guarantee you that you'll pass the 5000 mark in one day, never mind sixty :)

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hi xpanxpunkx. Must say I'm confused as to why everyone is rushing to claim the title of "soap-dodging obsessive-compulsive" for themselves. We already have three self-confessed SDOCs, you, Des and Cantemir - who will claim the other slots? Roll up, roll up...

Desargues said...

Four-foot dildos may be to non-Muslim Westerners what crucifixes and garlic are to vampire busters. Never thought of that before, but it has a ring of plausibility about it. In the end, Beate Uhse's dildo emporium may prove to be the ultimate weapon to win the War on Terra.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The "visits" that annoy me the most are the google searches. Most of the ones directed to my blog are sickos looking for "ape sex". Pi, it's quality that counts more than quantity. But well done Ivan. And you learned quickly that insulting your fans is always a good way to keep them coming back for more.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hey Des - never heard of Beate Uhse's dildo emporium, but I'll be sure to mention it to the wife.

GB - do you offer ape sex, then? No smoke without fire, you know. You must in some way be subtly leading them on. Time to straighten up and fly right, mister! And less of the wild accusations about insulting my own readership, you big furball, thank you very much. I would never do that, so you can just put a sock in it.

Desargues said...

Beate Uhse is Germany's Uebermadam--Heidi Fleiss multiplied by ten or so:

We're all sure Mrs Terrible has no need to resort to BU' aids. Four kids and counting--no woman in her right mind could ever complain of a lack of marital attention. :-)

And, for the last time, Ivan, you can't pigeonhole me into that soap-dodging box. I'm not a dirty boy (not in the literal sense, at least).

Ivan the Terrible said...

I trust you implicitly, Des! You say you're one of the squeaky clean obsessive-compulsives, and I accept that without reservation. I shall forever think of you as the late Howard Hughes. Before all that business with the jars of urine and the kleenex box shoes, of course.