Thursday, March 09, 2006

Dances With Sheep

Once again truth effortlessly outweirds fiction as an Indian hill tribe sends missionaries to convert the Welsh to Christianity.

The Diocese of Mizoram, in the north-east of India, has already sent one missionary to south Wales and has a second lined up to arrive in April, assuming the first one survives that long. These peaceful and pious folk were converted by Welsh missionaries a century ago, and are now coming to the aid of the Welsh Presbyterian Church, ostensibly to help their “mother church” with its shortage of ministers. One suspects that the three remaining Presbyterians in Wales might have dissembled a little re the real issue when they sent their appeal - less a lack of clergy than a chronic shortage of Christians in general and Presbyterians in particular.

The Rev Hmar Sangkhuma, interviewed in his razor-wired compound in Bridgend yesterday, described himself as a ‘mission enabler’. "Many people in Wales were suffering from a spiritual void" he told incredulous journalists, wiping the spittle off of his face and dodging a half-brick. "There is a perceived lack of relevance of Christianity to lives based on materialism. Excuse me, but they’re pressing up against the fences again. I have to go turn the current on.”

You have to admire a faith so simple and heartfelt, yet still strong enough to lead a man halfway around the world, from the beautiful and overwhelmingly Christian upland valleys of Mizoram to exile among the squalid ratholes and filthy savages of modern Wales. After all, there are parts of Cardiff and Swansea where there is a very literal danger of him ending up in a big pot. Let’s just hope it’s worth it.

“For Wales? Why, Richard, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world ... but for Wales!”


The charming and picturesque Welsh, yesterday, in their distinctive national costumes. And some fell on stony ground...

16 comments:

Desargues said...

It's nice to see the Church returning to its early days of martyrdom. True, Indian Christian these days do not have to fear Diocletianus' gladiators and lions any more. We live in an enlightened age, after all. But the fearsome, bloodthirsty neds of Wales are no less a mortal danger. Watching Father Sangkhuma witnessing to the faith as he expires his last breath at the hands of godless savages in Cardiff ought to shake Christendom out of its lethargic slumber it's been indulging in for a while.

PI said...

'The Welsh? what are they for?'
Anne Robinson.

Ivan the Terrible said...

No lions in Wales, Des, more's the pity. At least lions have a little class.

Good quote, Pi, but I also liked the rejoinder which she really should have foreseen before opening her sinister, thin-lipped mouth:
"Anne Robinson - what is she for?" - The Welsh.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You mean someone got the Welsh to renounce druidism? When did that happen? Christianity is no good for people who like to do magic. Jesus was the only Christian allowed to do that. And putting a wafer into someone's mouth won't fool anyone who's seen a druid in action.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Yes... wafers are the least of your worries when a druid gives full rein to his oral fixation.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I too have heard tale of latter-day Welsh druids wondering the streets of Cardiff at Godless hours, resplendent in their robes, those Suits of Shell, and chanting their sacred hiccup canticle. Who's to know what they will make of this news that the Christians are coming? In threatening times, people rally and look to their leader for guidance. I just wonder if Charlotte Church is up to the job.

Ivan the Terrible said...

If she's smart she'll stay inside - virgins they sacrifice, and non-virgins end up wishing they'd stayed virgins...

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I've often wondered how the leek ended up as the Welsh national member of the onion family. Now I know. May God have mercy on Charlotte! Oh wait, she's on the wrong side, isn't she?

Why must the peoples of the world hate each other so? (anguished pleading to the heavens) Maybe only the Welsh will ever know the answer to that.

Ivan the Terrible said...

They should - I'm pretty sure they started it. With their silly hats and close harmony singing. Naked provocation, innit?

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Well to be fair to Charlotte Church she's only really been responsible for half-naked provocation, if recent pictures in the press are anything to go by.

I actually don't have anything against Charlotte Church, truly! I don't know why I'm being so miserable about her. But, to be fair to me - and I always try to be fair to me - she is a bit of a Welsh twitette.

Earl Jackson said...

The Welsh are quite intolerable, with their sly, insinuating accents and their filthy black faces.

Ivan the Terrible said...

I thought that was minstrels. But maybe you've hit on something there - what if they're all Welsh? That would explain a lot...

Earl Jackson said...

"We can trace almost all the disasters of English history to the influence of Wales." Evelyn Waugh.
Waugh goes too lightly on them. Cromwell had the right idea; cover their heads with tar, set it alight and roll them down the hillsides. That's the only language these people understand, it seems.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Aah, Cromwell. Tough love indeed. I like his policy on royals, too...

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