Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Physical sciences

Exciting news for lardbutts worldwide, as researchers prove that fat men are less susceptible to injuries in a car crash than thin ones.

This is just the latest success of a new branch of fat science, aimed at aggressive stress-testing of the naturally thin. “We all know the type”, puffed Dr Albert Porkpacker, 280lbs, at the National Symposium of Fat Sciences yesterday, “The type of guy or gal who’d sit around on the couch all summer eating twinkies while you desperately exercised to stay in shape, then would get up on the day of the high school tryouts and blow you right off the basketball team without even breaking sweat. And screw your date at the prom.”

Nobly putting such trivial concerns out of his mind, Dr Porkpacker insists that his interest is purely scientific. “Objectively speaking, we know that these freaks walk among us, and we need to know exactly what dangers they pose to normal people like ourselves. Like to my blood pressure, for starters.”

The good doctor’s technique consists of taking a representative sample of tall slim people who say “no matter what I try I can’t put on weight!” in a giggly whiny voice, and rigorously testing them for resistance to a variety of traumas. “For example, while it is true that most “skinnies” show above average ability in fleeing and otherwise avoiding a murderous beating at the hands of a justifiably angry mob, we discovered that if pursued cross-country on quad bikes they will eventually tire. The subsequent blunt trauma experiment with baseball bats showed no significant difference in resistance on the part of skinnies when compared to healthy adults.”

“The blonde ones were if anything especially vulnerable” added Dr Porkpacker, suppressing a smile. Under questioning he admitted that his team had omitted to normalise the results to take into account the possibility of bias, in the form of extra force being applied by testers when wielding their bats on blondes, or in extreme cases switching to golf clubs or repeatedly reversing over them in a Chevy. “However, that just goes to show how important it is that we validate our findings with further research. Preferably lots of it.”

The session ending to general approval, the Symposium moved to adjourn in favour of break-out sessions in the Arby’s next door.


Dr Porkpacker rounds off his highly acclaimed presentation with a light snack, yesterday.

9 comments:

Desargues said...

We skinnies are already subject to daily jeers and snubbing in the land of the pantload--these here United States. There's no need for Dr Porkpacker to rub it in any further, by providing the chunkies with alleged scientific evidence of our inferiority. Yeah, the physics of impact does not work in our favor, we know that already. Can't afford the shock-absorbing cushions lardasses get as part of the standard package. So what? We have other things to compensate for our handicap. For instance, if airline companies bow to the rising customer pressure, in about a decade or so two of us skinnies will be able to sit in a coach-class seat on a domestic flight. How's that for savings, big guys?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Porkpacker might have also made the point that blubbery humans are "carbon sinks" that counteract global warming. This will only work if they are buried deep underground, though.

urchin said...

I hardly believe that GB. Those oxen-sized, hormone-fed yankees tend to produce more methane than the rest of us, you know.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I want to weigh in on this issue, so to speak, but speak I do, as an underfed problem-child-bride who is assumed, upon first meeting, to have some sort of a food pathology but, in fat, I mean in fact doesn't. Honest, that wasn't slippery Freudian. Really, i don't. But it is assumed, in a nation where two thirds of the population are overweight that I must be the one with the problem. Any social conversation I've had on personal weight matters, usually has me, at some point, defending why I don't have enough 'meat on my bones' to people who are more. (I don't want to be rude, so i'll just say that they are more.)

But I have a remedy that might one day sweep the nation. Simple forgetfulness (failure to remember to eat lunch etc) will keep anyone slim. If nature has not blessed you with forgetfulness, I believe the latest studies show that cannabis, when smoked over a long time causes forgetfulness. So go ahead plump friends! Doobie that derriere away and watch it dissipate in hilarious coils of smoke around your bong. Oh! I'm sorry, that last bit was supposed to go in the comment box of my favourite mid-morning porn site. I do apologize.

But I married an oxen-sized, hormone-fed yankee so together, we work out as juuuuuust right.

And then I learnt that scottish children are now the fattest in the world and I felt shame. I used to live in Minnesota, the land that the low-fat dairy revolution forgot, and at State Fair time every year my eyes would boggle at the mammoth be-shorted thighs on display, growing ever larger as their owners chomped down on deep-fried cheese curds or cheesecake-on-a-stick.

So I guess if I gawk at them, it's probably allright for them to squawk on my underfed, pale, can-never-get-warm, and probably unhealthy frame. Although the paleness just comes from being from the Outer Hebrides where the sun kisses us briefly but gently for about 7 minutes in May.

Blimey, I seem to have commented a lot. This contribution may be vomit, but it's pure mental vomit, I promise. Now where did I put my tongue depressor?

Ivan the Terrible said...

One of Sam's points put me in mind of the small print on my Green Card. It says that one has to wait five years as a permanent resident before one can apply for citizenship, but you can cut that to three years if you marry an American or gain 300lbs. It is pretty much a question of averages...

Foot Eater said...

The study you link to needs to be replicated. I for one won't be convinced until they carry out a prospective, randomised, double-blind, placebo-controlled one.

Ivan the Terrible said...

And sodomised. Don't pretend you weren't thinking it. God, you sicken me...

PI said...

'Fat men are less susceptible...'
Landsakes I do declare academics are sometimes just so plain stupid I could cry. {Imagine Viven leigh's accent as Scarlet)
It stands to reason - they have their own built in air bags.
Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!
Just read your last comment Ivan: thanks for the giggle

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