Exciting news for lardbutts worldwide, as researchers prove that fat men are less susceptible to injuries in a car crash than thin ones.
This is just the latest success of a new branch of fat science, aimed at aggressive stress-testing of the naturally thin. “We all know the type”, puffed Dr Albert Porkpacker, 280lbs, at the National Symposium of Fat Sciences yesterday, “The type of guy or gal who’d sit around on the couch all summer eating twinkies while you desperately exercised to stay in shape, then would get up on the day of the high school tryouts and blow you right off the basketball team without even breaking sweat. And screw your date at the prom.”
Nobly putting such trivial concerns out of his mind, Dr Porkpacker insists that his interest is purely scientific. “Objectively speaking, we know that these freaks walk among us, and we need to know exactly what dangers they pose to normal people like ourselves. Like to my blood pressure, for starters.”
The good doctor’s technique consists of taking a representative sample of tall slim people who say “no matter what I try I can’t put on weight!” in a giggly whiny voice, and rigorously testing them for resistance to a variety of traumas. “For example, while it is true that most “skinnies” show above average ability in fleeing and otherwise avoiding a murderous beating at the hands of a justifiably angry mob, we discovered that if pursued cross-country on quad bikes they will eventually tire. The subsequent blunt trauma experiment with baseball bats showed no significant difference in resistance on the part of skinnies when compared to healthy adults.”
“The blonde ones were if anything especially vulnerable” added Dr Porkpacker, suppressing a smile. Under questioning he admitted that his team had omitted to normalise the results to take into account the possibility of bias, in the form of extra force being applied by testers when wielding their bats on blondes, or in extreme cases switching to golf clubs or repeatedly reversing over them in a Chevy. “However, that just goes to show how important it is that we validate our findings with further research. Preferably lots of it.”
The session ending to general approval, the Symposium moved to adjourn in favour of break-out sessions in the Arby’s next door.
Dr Porkpacker rounds off his highly acclaimed presentation with a light snack, yesterday.