Friday, March 24, 2006

“At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves…” – George Orwell (1903-1950)

Answering a comment from my good friend Gorilla Bananas a few days ago, I was somewhat alarmed to realize that I subconsciously thought of him as being literally the adult male silverback pictured in his profile. Which of course he is. But it does raise the question as to what people think I look like. Do they really picture me as the cross between Neo and Wings of Desire that my hastily thrown-together South Park pic implies? Or does the moniker Ivan the Terrible suggest something darker, and possibly bearded?

Well, the great thing about the internet is that one need not suffer the agonies of uncertainty in silent frustration. “For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened” [Matthew 7:8]. So what say, folks? What do I look like? Or, if you prefer, what should I look like? Stick your choices in the comments as links, and who knows, I might adopt one of them.

At the very least, I’ll get to realise Robbie Burns’ poetic dream –

"O wad some Power the giftie gie us, To see oursels as ithers see us!"

I’m giving you all weekend for this one, so go nuts…


George Orwell, yesterday, who sadly can be said to have conclusively disproved his own adage.

51 comments:

Desargues said...

I suppose this is the face a Neo lookalike deserves at fifty:

http://www.vinntec.co.uk/reunion/images/595-21.jpg

He's still doing better than the Hague fella at thirty.

Desargues said...

It just crossed my mind: do you think Eric Arthur Blair had another one of his uncanny premonitions when he changed it to Orwell? How did he know there was going to be a prime minister to bring thhe name of Blair into such disrepute?

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hmmm - the lips are a little too much, don't you think?

As for your second point, scarier still is that Tony Blair's real name is Eric Orwell. Definitely something going on there...

Desargues said...

Well, how about throwing us a bone here, Ivan? We only know that you have some Irish chromosomes, and not much else. Your other half may be Sicilian, for all I know. So the full lips are not entirely out of the question...

Ivan the Terrible said...

Sorry, Des - let the choice be based on my words, not my presumed ancestry. Wouldn't be very Burns-ish if I started influencing the process, would it? :)

HA HA HA said...

groop captan linal mandrake

HA HA HA said...

see waht i mean?

Desargues said...

Are we any closer now, Ivan:

http://www.yarnela.com/i/PrintPortraits/LawrenceOlivier.jpg

For the alpha geeks out there: how the hell do I insert links in a comment on a blog? I'm technologically retarded, as you may have noticed. So help a challenged brutha out here, will ya. Thanks, loves.

HA HA HA said...

<a href="http://example.com">undarlind text</a>

gets u

undarlined text

Desargues said...

'Preciate it, 3H. But how do I underline text in a comment? Is it just Ctrl+U?

Ivan the Terrible said...

Wow - thanks Des, 3H. Peter Sellers and darling Larry! It's really quite flattering. Although if you add in Portillo that adds up to precisely 50% homosexual. Hmmmm.

Well, alea jacta est - keep the suggestions coming and let the dice land as they may...

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hi again, Des - no, no need to try and underline it yourself - if you use the html code 3H set in his comment, the result will be that the words between > and < will show as an active link to whatever URL you stuck in the left-hand bit of code. And links are autoformated as underlined blue text.

So using the following:
**darling Larry**

...your Lawrence Olivier becomes darling Larry, for example.

Desargues said...

Well, mighty thanks to all for the generous, free technical assistance. I'll buy you all a beer when I meet you in person. Say, Ivan, you're not actually suggesting you're gonna let us now what you actually look like, are you? Or are you gonna pull our legs again with something like this:

Ivan the Terrible said...

There'll be no leg-pulling, Des. And I don't think I'll be posting any real pics, on legal advice re health warnings and possible lawsuits. But I'm sure that by Monday we'll all have learnt something important. For a start, you learnt how to post links :)

Ivan the Terrible said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ivan the Terrible said...

So troops, a summary of the state of play: nominated so far are...
- Dashing Michael
- Prim Peter
- Darling Larry, and of course
- Evil Ivan (as imagined by Vasnetsov, no less - my favourite iconographer!)

Got a suggestion of your own? Oh yes you do - let's see 'em...

Aunty Marianne said...

Richard Clayderman.

It's why you call yourself Ivan the Terrible, in order to counteract the pageboy haircut and the oh-so-forgetmenot-blue eyes.

And the pink suit with the spangly collar and the ruffles.

Aunty Marianne said...

Following 3H's instructions....

Richard Clayderman

Yes. I wish I'd never seen that either.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I expect you're quite hairy for a human, Ivan. You're on the tall side and obviously lean and fit. Hairy chest, hairy legs, hairy arms, hair on the back. Hair growth from the nostrils and ears, which you trim to please your wife. You'd be welcome in our community, although I doubt the female gorillas would fancy you.

PI said...

I picture you strangely unique. Darkish, tallish, saturnine with quite a squishy centre.
And don't worry chaps Ivan is as likely to show his phisog as I am to give birth to triplets.
Correct?

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I was initially thinking along the Rasputin perhaps with sandy hair lines, but then it occurred to me I don't have a clue how old you are. You could be anywhere between 30 and 70, in theory. But, from the timbre and pitch of your writing I'm putting you in at around 45 and my updated image of you is as a kind of Alan Rickman type with perhaps some Richard E. Grant or Baryshnykovesque gauntness. Definitely dark hair, I think.

By the way, all the above suggestions are, in my opinion, very good people to look like.

PI said...

If you fit Sam's description you have my vote.

Desargues said...

Gosh, Ivan, you're such a tease, old boy! Give the yearning multitudes what they've been yearning for, man!

My guess is he's 42. The evidence for that is he's not yet stoically resigned to the idea of a prostate exam. He might look younger, though. East European women are a fountain of youth for many a world-weary Westerner.

PI said...

undarlind text
That's my pathetic attempt to follow instructions which is why I have no links on my blog.

PI said...

Well it didn't work in the comment box. I think I've learnt a new skill!

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hmmm - Alan Rickman, eh? But are we talking this Alan or this Alan? Whatever - they're all good...

Not sure about Richard Clayderman, tho'. But then again I've never been into blondes, generally.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Congrats, Pi - and why not celebrate with your chosen Ivan pic? You know you want to...

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Definitely the first Rickman picture, Mr. Terrible. Although my indelible image of him will always be
this.

It's not so much the way he looks but his sexy, brooding demeanor. He has a lovely deep voice and nothing beats his Sheriff of Notingham. If you were to turn out to look anything like him, I might very well fall in love with you.

Historically, I haven't been one for torrid affairs; I usually just prefer a quiet read - but for Alan I'd drop everything. Also for Sean Connery, for Anthony Hopkins, for Jeremy Irons, for Leonard Cohen, for Bob Dylan, for (oddly) Eddie Izzard and many others ... anything, everything.

So if you happen to look like any of them at all, let me know. Or rather don't. I think my housewifely world would be rocked much too much if I thought I was crossing blogging paths with an Alan Rickman lookalike. Dreeeaaam, dream dream dream lalala.

Desargues said...

Didn't the Rickman fella also play ze rhole of a Gehman tehrohrist mit einem funny Akzent in one of zem 'Die Hahd' movies? Sophisticated and suave in a Eurotrashy sort of way? Ivan, you're on a roll here, buddy. You've got the ladies...um.., panting with excitement. Better take off that wedding ring before they notice it.

Connery, Hopkins, Irons--one thing you can't be accused of, Sam, is aiming low. :-)

R. Sherman said...

Mysterious is better. That's why I use a North Dakota landscape. It throws everyone off.

Cheers.

Ivan the Terrible said...

I don't have the Sheriff's long locks, but I think I could give him a run for his money on the rest. Tho' the drooling baby nodding off on my shoulder might not be an appealing substitute for the sword. Depends what you're into, really.

Aunty Marianne said...

Drooling baby and firearm worked for 50 cents.

If publicity is what you're after....

Desargues said...

The man's nom-de-plume (a former nom-de-guerre, I suspect) is 50 Cent, Auntie. Fiddy, for the initiated. 50 cents is just what he's worth.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Yes, but 50 cent is a vicious retard. And the baby was probably a hostage.

PI said...

http://gallery.euroweb.hu/html/r/rembran/painting/z_other/rider.html

I'm not sure if this is going to work. But at least I guessed your age - 50! And have you just given birth (Mrs I mean) Congrats anyway!

PI said...

Bugger!

Desargues said...

Are we gettin' any closer, Ivan?

Ivan the Terrible said...

Rembrandt’s Polish Rider is a bit too classy for me, and Beckett a bit too crumpled, Des, giant tho' he is. But if that's what my writing suggests then who am I to demur...

Desargues said...

Oh, I get it. You want your writing to be the sole indication of your identity. Well then, suit yourself, chum.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hi Des - that last comment sounds promising, but unfortunately the link is to one of those pics which resists links. Might have to go back to pasting the url in before I can be properly enlightened/shocked/insulted :)

Desargues said...

I knew I couldn't count on my technical acumen for too long. Dammit. Here you go, then:

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/12933/12933-h/images/ljv1-7.jpg

Aunty Marianne said...

Euwww. Bring back Alan Rickman.

BTW Why are we all assuming Ivan is white? Despite not being quite the melting pot, we do have Brits of varying colorations, you know.

I reckon Ivan looks like
this.

PI said...

Say what you like about TPR but I liked him sufficiently to bring him back from the Frick Museum,frame him and hang him up my stair well.
The original, natch!

Stew said...

I have this in mind whenever I visit this blog
http://badgas.co.uk/moments/moment_009.jpg

Ivan the Terrible said...

Thanks, Des. And you got me - who's that then? Newton? I was lousy at physics, and don't much like apples, either.

Aunty M, that's a vast improvement over Richard Clayderman. Some sort of celebrity chef, isn't it? I could live with that face.

Pi - expect a visit from Interpol shortly.

And Stew, when I consider some of the others on that site, I think I got off really lightly...

Desargues said...

Nope, that's not Sir Isaac. Newton's style was technical, amazingly precise, and devoid of any humor. His preferred language was the geometry of the ancients--Apollonius of Perga and Pappus of Alexandria. His Latin was equally transparent, and carefully worded. On occasion, he could lash out quite venomously at perceived slights. Leibniz bore the brunt of most of his scriptorial wrath, as did Robert Hooke and John Locke at various times. Scholars suspect Newton may have become slowly intoxicated with mercury fumes during his four-decade career as an alchemist, which could explain why he wrote to Locke to say that he once wished him dead.

No, the man in the picture, the artist as a curly-headed youth, is the immortal Irishman who gave us "A Modest Proposal."

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Mr. Argues. I published my own world-wide Modest Proposal to the world-wide acclaim of 4 people and one of them was me. If you're into modest proposals that is. I think most men prefer the immodest sort, though. Anyway.

I've tried to find a website for you, but you appear not to have one, which is a pity.

Mr. Terrible: I had the loveliest dream about Alan Rickman last night. Are we ever to know what you look like? You've amassed almost 50 comments-worth of curiosity here. Just a wee piccie. Oh go on!

Desargues said...

Well, thankee, Mrs Bride. I took a gander at your own modest proposal, and it certainly shares an undeniable similarity to the one put forward by the swift Dean of St Patrick's Cathedral in 1729. However, he fared from Dublin, while you, if I recall correctly, hail from the Hebrides?

Shortly, your select readership will have despaired of ever having a chance to behold your mortal embodiment, Ivan. This is becoming more suspenseful than a South American telenovela. Will the Terrible ever reveal his earthly guise? Stay tuned.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Ah, Swift. I did think of him, but too late :)

I'll think about the piccie thing. Mrs Terrible however is lowering the boom. Watch this space...

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