Sunday, May 07, 2006

And with one bound he was free!

A man weaves all over the road and crashes his car into a security barrier outside the Capitol building in Washington, Thursday. A case for Homeland Security, perhaps? Or at least for some searching questions and a mandatory breath test?

But no, for this is no ordinary mortal staggering out of his crumpled car and swearing at security officers, but one of that breed of superheroes whose amazing powers of untouchability we humble citizens can only marvel at. Yes, you’ve guessed it, it’s another bloody Kennedy.

You see, what might look to the untutored eye like a spoilt half-wit driving drunk with supreme disregard for the law or public safety was in fact a dedicated public servant temporarily disorientated by an inadvertant combination of legal prescription drugs. We know this is true, because Patrick Kennedy, son of Senator Ted, told us so himself, several hours later, after he’d sobered up.

Did I say “sobered up”? I meant “recovered”.

And no-one will gainsay his version, because the attending policemen were hustled away from the paralytic parasite by senior officers, who arrived at breakneck speed and carried Mr Kennedy off to the warm embrace of his lawyers and spin doctors.

Some people have asked why Mr Kennedy – who has a history of addiction - wasn’t breathalysed. No-one seriously expects those in the know to answer. The man himself says he did not ask for special treatment. I tend to doubt this, because, as Daddy showed at Chappaquiddick, the Kennedies are nothing if not snivelling cowards, but the sad fact is that he probably didn’t need to. The mention of that magic name is enough.

“I need to stay in the fight” says the great man to assembled journalists, dismissing suggestions that, as a hopeless addict, maybe Congress is not the best place for him. Sadly, Mr Kennedy omits to specify which fight, or on whose side he’s fighting. I do hope he’s not doing it for me.

Mr Kennedy currently sits as a member of the lower house of Congress, the House of Representatives, for Rhode Island. He hopes to graduate to the upper house in due course, but has yet to prove his Senatorial quality by drowning an intern or getting dragged through the courts for rape. Maybe in 2008 then.


Patrick Kennedy, yesterday. As a filthy-rich junky with a permanent get-out-of-gaol-free card and a hereditary seat in Congress, he’s a fine addition to the Kennedy brand.

14 comments:

R. Sherman said...

Ivan, in my rant of yesterday, I actually took out 3 paragraphs about dynastic politics which have infected our country, the Kennedys being Exhibit A. I was saving it for another post. Once again, you storm to the front of the blogiverse.

With nothing but a name, they filter into "public service" in order to have their bottoms nuzzled and further enrich themselves.

We have our own here in Missouri. I personally know some of them. It chaps my ass everytime I think about it.

Cheers and hic.

Aunty Marianne said...

The Kennedy's looks have gone a bit downhill, haven't they?

Bring back Bobby Kennedy. He was a fox.

I say we cross-breed them with something with a bit of fibre. Is Condi still hankering after W or is she on the market? Good brain, whatever you may think of her politics, and fabulous legs.

Desargues said...

Hey, at least they're not doing business with the Nazis any more.

People here who grow dewy-eyed over the late Diana Spencer also speak of the "curse of the Kennedys," meaning some terrible mark of historical misfortune that supposedly affects the great, like King Tut or something. Methinks their only curse is to be bumbling morons. I mean, who tries to drive over a no-longer-existent bridge?

As to looks, Aunty M, I'm not sure about that Bobby fella. It's true their looks have gone massively downhill since another Kennedy went the way of the just (or the reckless). I don't rejoice over anyone's death, but with JFK, Jr. around, none of us regular guys had a fair chance with them ladies.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Is that really where his hair naturally parts? Can that be normal?

HA HA HA said...

"...as a hopeless addict, maybe Congress is not the best place for him."

yeh an mabe the poape should clear outa the vatican.


des - ui sire tuits cirse wasmt beimg a bulmblign norom too?

Desargues said...

3H: Huh?

Desargues said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ivan the Terrible said...

"ui sire tuits cirse wasmt beimg a bulmblign norom too?"

Translation: "You sure Tut's curse wasn't being a bumbling moron too?"

Yes, I had to think a bit before I could unscramble it, too...

Johnnyboy said...

Sam TPCB:
Clearly Rhode Island Pat is trying to capture some of his deceased uncles' charisma. But taking his cue from the last 40 years' woefully declined standards for pretty much everything, he obviously believes that he can forego the intelligence, talent and dedication, and just adopting Jack and Bobby's haircut will do the trick.

HA HA HA said...

'teh brand' indeed. yknow up he're u see bumpar stickers that just say 'kenedy'. no year. no office hes runign for. no first name. just the brand. im not joking.

'duno which ones runing this year or what hes ruinng for but hes got my voat!'

ffffreaks...

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Today's LA Times has him enjoying a high level of support, still, in Rhode Island.

The comments of the locals, in that article, suggest that the Kennedy name and campaigning clout was what got him elected but that he is, in fact, a conscientious congressman. I think there are only about 112 Rhode Islanders but they can't all be wrong, surely.

I dislike dynastic politics as much as the next John or Jane. The Kennedys weren't awfully big in the Outer Hebrides of Scotland so I grew up without The Myth and all the Camelot nonsense. I don't consider myself to have strong opinions either way on the Kennedys, although, Ivan, you're right - there do seem to have been an awful lot of 'incidents'. But that isn't enough surely, to tar and feather this particular Kennedy. The sins of the fathers thing has always struck me as unfair, although, currently we are enjoying an administration where that phenomenon seems almost cartoonishly appropriate.

The problem here, I think, was the police being in thrall of the name and not doing their job and testing him at the scene. How much Kennedy himself influenced that is hard to say, but he seems like an earnest, if a bit goofy, man. He seemed sincere to me. I would, however, have liked to hear him speak about and against his preferential treatment by the authorities. I don't like that at all.

I maintain, to the end though, that possession of that particular hair-style should be outlawed for political candidates and weeded out from the population in general. If I'd been the arresting officer, I'd have thrown him in the tank for that alone.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Sadly, Sam, if Donald Trump's hairstyle is not an arrestable offence, then no-one's is.

PI said...

I'm sure the same day I read that Father Ted (not the Irish one)was being treated for depression. HIS father (Ted's et als)was a really dreadful person and behaved badly when he was over here. The girls were a better bet (surprise surprise) but not a lot.
The boys had a certain well- scrubbed look I suppose but it was all very physical. And their eternal ball games were all a bit suspect. Can you imagine having a quiet dinner with scintillating conversation? I can't.

Gorilla Bananas said...

the Kennedies are nothing if not snivelling cowards

JFK wasn't. He took that bullet in the head like a soldier. The chimpanzees were braver, though.