A man weaves all over the road and crashes his car into a security barrier outside the Capitol building in Washington, Thursday. A case for Homeland Security, perhaps? Or at least for some searching questions and a mandatory breath test?
But no, for this is no ordinary mortal staggering out of his crumpled car and swearing at security officers, but one of that breed of superheroes whose amazing powers of untouchability we humble citizens can only marvel at. Yes, you’ve guessed it, it’s another bloody Kennedy.
You see, what might look to the untutored eye like a spoilt half-wit driving drunk with supreme disregard for the law or public safety was in fact a dedicated public servant temporarily disorientated by an inadvertant combination of legal prescription drugs. We know this is true, because Patrick Kennedy, son of Senator Ted, told us so himself, several hours later, after he’d sobered up.
Did I say “sobered up”? I meant “recovered”.
And no-one will gainsay his version, because the attending policemen were hustled away from the paralytic parasite by senior officers, who arrived at breakneck speed and carried Mr Kennedy off to the warm embrace of his lawyers and spin doctors.
Some people have asked why Mr Kennedy – who has a history of addiction - wasn’t breathalysed. No-one seriously expects those in the know to answer. The man himself says he did not ask for special treatment. I tend to doubt this, because, as Daddy showed at Chappaquiddick, the Kennedies are nothing if not snivelling cowards, but the sad fact is that he probably didn’t need to. The mention of that magic name is enough.
“I need to stay in the fight” says the great man to assembled journalists, dismissing suggestions that, as a hopeless addict, maybe Congress is not the best place for him. Sadly, Mr Kennedy omits to specify which fight, or on whose side he’s fighting. I do hope he’s not doing it for me.
Mr Kennedy currently sits as a member of the lower house of Congress, the House of Representatives, for Rhode Island. He hopes to graduate to the upper house in due course, but has yet to prove his Senatorial quality by drowning an intern or getting dragged through the courts for rape. Maybe in 2008 then.
Patrick Kennedy, yesterday. As a filthy-rich junky with a permanent get-out-of-gaol-free card and a hereditary seat in Congress, he’s a fine addition to the Kennedy brand.