Friday, May 05, 2006

Heart of Darkness

After nine years of struggle – and achievement, of course, mustn’t forget all the achievements – we are happy to report that Tony Blair has finally secured his legacy. Britain is at long-last truly “at the heart of Europe”!

Of course, long gone are the days when British pensions groaned under the weight of their unnecessary surpluses, the private sector cried out for lack of swaddling regulation, and a mere 37% of GDP was spent by the wise and kindly State. Gordon soon took care of those problems with the efficiency and focus for which he is justly famed. There’s nothing that can’t be solved by an extra 800,000 civil servants and a tax rate higher than Germany’s.

But despite these terrific advances towards European norms, Britain continued to lag on the purely political front – lacking truly corrupt, self-serving politicos and the sort of network of patronage and mutual protection that the French and the Italians do so well. Above all, we didn’t have that sine qua non of the modern, healthy EU-standard political system, a lively mainstream Nazi party.

But no more. The long wait is over, and the keystone on Tony’s Arc de Triomphe finally lowered into place. A mere nine years of New Labour have turned Britain from a dynamic economy of free individuals into an overtaxed, overregulated, dirigiste ethnic swamp where formerly decent people vote for scum like the British National Party out of sheer anger and frustration. Just like in France, Belgium, Germany, Holland…


Thanks, Tony. Thanks a lot. A fine legacy to leave your children. Tell you what – they can have my kids’ share too. Can’t say fairer than that.

Now that, like an aging superhero, his work here is done, perhaps he’ll finally finally fuck off and leave us to start clearing up the mess.


The new face of British politics, yesterday. The inheritance tax bill on that one is sure to sting…

10 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Dr Whipsnade voted Conservative, but then he always votes Conservative. Smacker Ramrod told me that he and his friends once drew dicks on their ballots to embarrass all the ladies at the count. This was when he was a student at Cambridge. He matured when he became a circus vet.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I'm not worried about Britain turning into a European vassal. I was always a wee bit of Eurosceptic, although not rabidly so - Europe's a nice idea but, in all honesty, I think the British have more in common temperamentaly and culturally with the US, and even Eastern Europe than with the French or Germans. We are still a nation of entrepeneurs who dislike over-regulation.

I'm not worried about being "left behind" and off the European choo-choo either. And it's got nothing to do with any sovereignity nonsense. It's simply the same feeling you get when you're sitting at a dinner party with a perfectly amiable and pleasant couple of companions but wishing you were beside someone else more interesting. But in terms of the war, at least, Blair turned his back on all European and UN arguments and went the American route. The UN seems to be paraplegic and Europe is way too didactic.
The war is an enormous mistake, the biggest, and I'd argue that it's also a very British and American one, despite having made such odd European bedfellows as Berlusconi. Mistrust of us for that reason will prevent us being fully presseed into the bosom of Brussels. We approach things in a different (not better necessarily just too different) way to Europe. We can't get on for long.

God. Forgive me Ivan, my windbaggery knows no end these last few days it seems. I'm not as learned as your other commenters but I'm keen to listen to everybody here.

Ivan the Terrible said...

What was the name of that fascist bell-end who ran a safari park where he made the keepers clean out the tigers unprotected? After the third one was eaten he said on live TV that that was part of the job and that one tiger was worth three poor people anyway. Same one who said Lord Lucan was a great chap who he would have helped to escape if he'd asked. Now he would be a happy man today.

Whatever, he's dead now. As a Christian I should pray for his soul. But instead I have to pray for the strength to do so...

Ivan the Terrible said...

Sam - no worries - bang on as much as you like. To your point, I think the UK should leave the EU and join NAFTA, then sink every Belgian and Spanish trawler in British waters, pausing only to machine-gun the swarthy survivors as they cling mewling to the wreckage.

Still, I couldn't vote for those UKIP types. There's some right nutters in that lot, you know...

R. Sherman said...

You'd be welcome, Ivan. BTW, I just finished reading a book which discusses the little known cooperation between the US and Royal Navies in the 19th century, ending the slave trade, piracy, extending commerce. Seems, once we got over the part of your impressing our sailors, we've gotton on rather well.

Cheers.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Thanks, Randall. I rather fear however that your comment will be the cue for any number of willful and facetious misinterpretations of the word "impressing".

Keep it clean everyone - this is a family publication...

PI said...

Were you thinking of Aspinall? Yes you must have. He was in great cohoots with Jimmy Goldsmith and one of his wives was known as the spirit of Park Lane.
Re Blair - he and his lady wife will stick to the bitter end - living it up at our expense along with wee fatty 2 jags.
Ivan you may be forgiven for not praying for Aspers but maybe go easy on the machine gun and baseball bat.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Aspinall - that's the guy! What a rodent he was. Thanks, Pi.

Yes - I'll try and dial the violence back a little next week. Time to go cold turkey...

Tim Worstall said...

Aspers: was it his own son that one of the tigers ate the face off or one of his friend’s sons?

PI said...

Tim: I think you are thinking of Jimmy Goldsmith's wife's son with Mark Birley - her first husband. If you follow me.