Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Measure twice, cut once

A colleague of mine sees fit to bore me with her life plan for the next five years. As far as I can tell from what little I cannot avoid absorbing while pointedly playing solitaire at her, this master plan consists of
a) systematically eliminating every last Hostess candy bar in existence, and
b) acquiring cats.
At the end of said five years this activity would somehow result in professional success, a charming and wealthy husband, and some kids.

This seems to me to be pretty thin stuff. But I forbear to comment, as I am firmly in favour of planning generally and do not wish to discourage her feeble feminine efforts. Also she might start talking again, and then I’d have to kill her, dump the body, clean the carpet, construct an alibi, and so on. That’s too much like manual labour for my taste.

I love it when a plan comes together. My personal favourite has always been the Schlieffen Plan. I used to ask other people to name their favourites, and when they started answering I'd shriek "I'm askink ze qvestionz here!" in my best German accent. I considered it my humble homage to Alfred Graf von Schlieffen, but the magistrate considered it common assault. And that's why I have a restraining order.

Ironically, a little more planning on my part would probably have been helpful there.

So, go ahead then – what’s your favourite plan?


Alfred Graf von Schlieffen, yesterday – a man before his time.

24 comments:

R. Sherman said...

Of course, as the lesson of Schlieffen demonstrates, if it's your plan, you better be the one carrying it out. Never leave it to a Moltke.

Cheers.

apprentice said...

Mine's simple, "to keep breathing", but not always easy to execute.

Desargues said...

As one who's decided to prolong the infantility of college life well into grad school, there can only be one plan for me: finding enough time slots in between papers to squeeze some booze and chicks in them.

It's a good thing you didn't ask us how well these plans of ours have worked so far.

staghounds said...

I believe the question referred to historical plans. It's difficult to argue with the idea of Plan XVII, but it somewhat failed in performance for technical reasons.

I nominate the Plan of Iguala, which could have solved a multitude of difficulties.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Randall, I'm safe on that score. No-one seems inclined to trust me with command authority over anyone else, anyway.

Apprentice - fingers crossed for you with the breathing thing.

Des - I think you've got that problem back-to-front.

And Stags, thanks for the references. Particularly enjoyed Iguala for its delicious obscurity. But any plan coming out of Mexico is not likely to have much to recommend it by way of implementation...

Cantemir said...

My favorite is the 'Floor Plan.' Indispensible.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The 'Get in the Guinness Book of Records' plan always impressed me. Eat 50 marshmallows in a minute and ring Norris Mcquirter to confirm it's a world record.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I think it important that a plan be achievable. Not for me the pie-in-the-sky "Grand Plan" or even the more mundane "Plan B".

No. It is my plan to advance in age every day until I die, at which point I plan on meeting my maker and taking Him to task about a number of things that have been bothering me.

Then I think, a spot of haunting for a bit.

The other plan would be, of course, to keep taking the medication. Most important.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Let's up the dosage, while we're at it...

johnnyboy said...

I'm partial to Plan 9 From Outer Space.

ncp car parks said...

What ever you do don't go asking any mice to lay up plans for you. Even more than men they're always fucking them up, the plans that is.

PI said...

Mine is to finish my story before my demise without causing family rifts etc before I kick the bucket.
http://mybananalife.blogspot.com/
The above is commonly known as Life of a Banana - a new blogging friend who made precisely the same suggestion as you regarding S2 - so you have something in common. As i told LoaB I can only do my 'tell all' blog with my sons support so no way am going to deliberately embarras them. I do that without even trying. They don't mean to be derisory but do try to keep my feet on the ground.
I wish you hadn't mentioned chocolates. Last night for no apparent reason Idemolished a smallish box I found in the larder.

Des: chicks??????

Kieran said...

The Marshall Plan was quite good for laughs. Give em money to stop the bastards turning commie. But it got boring. The cold war ended because of boredom. And David Hasselhoff. Mexico is the place to be when it comes to plans. The Plan of Iguala is alright for your average pleb, but the Plan of San Luis Potosí is the bollocks.

PI said...

B-----ks! in my book means utter nonsense but does the sddition of 'the' before said b-----s alter the meaning? Just asking.

johnnyboy said...

Indeed it does, 3.1416. Have you no teenagers around you ? Or maybe they are too sullen to speak. Then let me explicate: The antonym of shit is the shit. I would assume the b word behaves similarly.
Ah, the joys of proper languaging.

Ivan the Terrible said...

I wonder if it's possible to draw up any plan in Mexico that does not ultimately entail the overthrow of the government?

Weekend barbecue plan:
- buy meat
- buy beers
- get ice
- overthrow government
- make coleslaw
etc

Of course it would sound much better in Spanish, and we all know what excitable folk those Latins are.

Pi - bollocks is bad, but "the bollocks" is good, and best of all (for reasons unknown) is "the dog's bollocks". Feel free to sprinkle your own blog with these fine descriptive phrases. Might make a good motto, for a start.

PAST IMPERFECT
"It's the dog's bollocks!"

Works pretty well, I think...

PI said...

Thank you darling. Have done so and actually done the HTML.

Ivan the Terrible said...

I sometimes wonder if I'm not a bad influence on you, Pi...

Desargues said...

"Chicks" is Gringo for "chicas". "Lasses," in Great Britain, I suppose. "Babes," among the young population of the white suburbs in the United Spades. "Hoes" or "beyotches" among hip-hop cognoscenti. The natural counterpart of a dude. Formerly known as young wymyn, in some humanities departments--today updated to "gurls." Or "grrls." To bestow appreciation on some, one refers to them as "hot chicks." E.g.:

That chick was hot as balls, dude!

RodW said...

I’m planning to have a kid in about 3 months. And by ‘I’, I mean my wife. And by ‘planning’, I mean I’m being dragged down a predetermined yet unknown path which no amount of kicking and screaming will change. (*breathing into a brown paper bag*) All good though, of course.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Des, I am so glad that I no longer have to worry about the dating scene, if that's the best that's on offer.

And Rod, many congratulations. They say that no plan survives contact with the Enemy, but this is the one case where the Enemy owns the plan from start to finish. No worries, tho' - you'll soon find yourself having a blast with the little anklebiter...

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