Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Overpopulation: just enough of me, way too much of you

More Teutonic hand-wringing, as Germany turns up bottom of the European fertility league, with a score so low that there might be none of them left by the end of the century.

What a tragedy.

In fact, Germany comes out second-last in the entire world, propped up only by Hong Kong, where everyone is riddled with chronic gonorrhea. One can’t help but notice that it’s all the most dysfunctional basket cases that are breeding like pond-life. The US limps in at 137, and the EU doesn’t get a look-in until France at #151.

Current birthrates have been compared to the population explosion in Britain in the early Victorian era, where crippling child mortality was first overcome. But that was endogenous – accompanied by native social and economic progress that allowed Britain to support the increased population by, for example, exporting it to the colonies to machine-gun the locals. What’s happening here is of an entirely different order.

Nowadays some meddling medic turns up in Buttafuque, Chad, and hands out aid-funded antibiotics willy-nilly, with no concomitant effort on the part of the locals to open their economies, clean up their governments, or even to learn to read. And so within twenty years they’re all slaughtering each other over the last twig of firewood and blaming the Great Satan for it.

Bono and Bill Gates want us to do something for the poor? Well, the very first thing we can do is stop sending them medical aid.


Medicin Sans Frontieres ply their evil trade, yesterday. Bloody do-gooders…

21 comments:

R. Sherman said...

Hear, Hear.

Where are the medals for you Ivan, with four or me for three, for that matter?

I say, we declare a National Procreation Holiday, where everyone stays home and um, well, procreates.

That's probably what it's going to take for me to get to jump in hay again, anyway.

Cheers.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I can't help but feel the word "riddled" shouldn't be used when describing the state of a city's genitals. It gives me the willies HAHAHAHAHA.

If Germany wants more children it should turn the telly off for a week. There was a power outage fro 3 weeks one winter on the isle of Lewis, my home-isle. 9 months later the island's women were popping out wee Murdo-Iains and Katie-Mairis at record rates.

PI said...

The last bit of your piece reminded me of Max Pemberton's column in Monday's DT - 'Trust me I'm a doctor.'
Briefly that doing good works abroad was a waste of time and that gap year students in Third World countries were just holidaying on the back of other people's misery. I find this a bit harsh.

staghounds said...

"The worst thing we ever did was teach them to wash their hands..."

Ivan the Terrible said...

National Procreation Holiday, Randall? Early days yet to be floating that idea in front of the wife, I'm afraid. So soon after #4 she's likely to come after me with the pinking shears...

Sam, we had a similar event in our neck of the woods in November 2002 - big ice storm, massive power outages spread over three days, everyone stuck at home. Nine months later they were bussing in maternity staff from neighbouring states to cope with the demand :)

Pi - harsh it is, but also sadly true. As a general rule, the hippy-dippier the organisation, the more self-indulgent and futile the activity. I give you the Peace Corps, just as an example - they still listed Budapest as a hardship posting until last year, when the only risks their young volunteers ran were those of sexual exhaustion and butterfat poisoning.

And Stags, yes indeed. Don't know why they bother washing their hands when they spend so much of their time chopping them off each other...

Desargues said...

Randall's idea would be a sound policy proposal for Germany and much of Southern Europe. And, since they're so enthusiastic about state interventionism, perhaps they shoudl get a cue from Ivan and ask for state-subsidized pitchers of margarita and free downloads of Barry Manilow... erm... I mean, Barry White from iTunes.

Problem solved.

I dunno what would take to solve the problem of the Third World's pullulating gusto for procreation, though. Perhaps we should try sending them cheap TV sets and free cable subscriptions? Seems to work elsewhere.

Seamus said...

Budapest as a hardship posting? Why do I only ever hear about the good things when they're finished?

Cantemir said...

I can't believe that everyone is missing the obvious. The best way to suppress the population in the Third World is clearly to teach them German.

R. Sherman said...

Cantemir: See what learning German did for me. My wife is German and I've got three.

Re: Procreation Day. Perhaps that's why I have the vasectomy brochures lying all over the house.

Cheers.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Who's leaving them, Randall - you or her?

rodw said...

Well it’s certainly the case in Hong Kong, and I’m guessing it’s the same in Germany, that children never leave home nowadays because they cannot afford the housing. That makes it a little awkward with the sex and all that.

Now if those Germans were happy to build their own homes out of grass and cow turds like they do in Africa, I’m sure we’d see similar levels of procreation.

f:lux said...

I don't want to seem huffy again...

But, piffle.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Who needs grass and cow turds? It's not like they're short of bike sheds, surely?

R. Sherman said...

Ivan, she's leaving them, of course. As an American, I would normally never let a sharp instrument close to my . . .

Cheers.

f:lux said...

Gentlemen I'm sorry, but it's somewhat difficult to take you seriously on a subject like overpopulation when you yourselves are producing more than the average 2.3 per household. Forget the vasectomies - Europe needs you!

Ivan the Terrible said...

I don't mind people punching out kids, f:luxy, as long as they can support them. And strapping them into suicide bomb jackets to win one of those oversize novelty cheques from Hizbollah does not count as support, I might add...

Gorilla Bananas said...

The British Virgin Islands have a higher birth-rate than Britain. That's what happens when humans boast about being virgins - everyone wants to deflower them.

Ivan the Terrible said...

They're not just virgins, GB - they're British virgins. Which means that they're the most incredible Bacardi-Breeze-fuelled slappers on the face of the Earth. It's a wonder they ever manage to squeeze any kids out at all what with the resulting pile of sweaty males plugging every exit 24/7.

Foot Eater said...

You might want a quiet word with your proofreader, Ivan, as it's Medecins Sans Frontieres. A noble organisation of which I'm a paid up member, I might add, not at all threateningly.

Aunty Marianne said...

Ummm... Ivan.... should I stop sending condoms too?

Or can I keep on with that?

Ivan the Terrible said...

Well spotted, Footie. Carry on.

And Aunty, send as many as you like. I reckon they just boil them for soup, but there you are - as long as they're getting used...