Monday, August 07, 2006

Danish Bacon

The world throws us yet another curve-ball as it emerges that Denmark is 'the happiest place on earth'. One wonders what makes a Dane laugh. Obviously not their cartoonists, if those Mohammed efforts were any guide. They were pants.

Switzerland, Austria and Iceland round out the top four, with sunnier climes only getting a look in at #5 in the shape of the Bahamas. This suggests a strong correlation between happiness and some undefined aspect of Teutonic culture. Danish and Icelandic girls are reputed to go like the clappers, so maybe that’s it. I hadn’t heard the same of their Swiss and Austrian sisters, but I dare say that someone out there can testify on their behalf.

I’m pretty sure Heidi has milked a few bulls in her time, for a start, but then again there’s not much else to do in those isolated Alpine pastures. She is more to be pitied than to be condemned, and in any case it would be a bit hypocritical of us to give her a hard time when so many of us enjoy the results. After all, haven’t you ever wondered why the Milka Cow is purple?


Heidi hard at work yesterday, fresh from putting a smile on the faces of the local males. Note how she hides her right arm, which is now the size of Arnold Schwartzenegger’s. Try not to stare…

21 comments:

Thomas Pauli said...

The Danish? Easy: The have all that Lego over there!

Kieran said...

It's all that Lurpak. It's laced with cocaine.

Desargues said...

If what that Swiss miss is pouring in the picture is the result of her own milking work, they must have quite a few horses in the Helvetic Confederation. I thought they were big on cows...

At any rate, this picture has made me wary of their chocolate. God knows what animals they're actually milking in that country, what with all those lusty maids they have there. I'm switching to Cadbury's Dark Chocolate; no Swiss milk for me, thank you very much.

R. Sherman said...

Some years ago, I recall a German dairy advertising that its products came from "the happiest cows in the Allgau." (sorry, no umlaut.)

I guess we know why.

Cheers.

Seamus said...

Evidently the Austrian tidal wave of happiness hasn't spread to Vienna (apologies for mixed metaphor) - based on my last visit there, where elaborate rudeness seemed the most popular activity of the locals.

Then again, I doubt Vienna is typical.

PI said...

What happened to the legend one was nurtured on, that Denmark had the higheat suicide rate?

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I, like Pi, was under th impression that Denamrk was the state in which there was something rotten. How did they get to beso happy?

I think there is something in the Lurpak theory though. As a child, I distinctly remember my granny asking the grocer for "a packet of Lurpak - UNSALTED! (wink wink)" And she is a very cheerful lady.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Lurpak seems to be a recurring theme here - this isn't some sort of Last Tango In Paris reference, is it? 'Cos we don't do those, this being a family blog and all. Clean healthy jerk-off jokes only here, thank you.

Des, whatever she's pouring, it's full cream. I've always been a dark chocolate man myself.

Seamus, Vienna has always been a city apart - if anything even more so since the collapse of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, since when it's been a monstrously inflated cosmopolitan Imperial head supported by an tiny atrophied body of rural lederhosen-clad xenophobes. If you think they're being rude to you, you should see what they do to their country cousins when they come up to town...

R. Sherman said...

When I was in Vienna some years ago, I didn't see anyone doing anything except drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. Seemed like a cushy life to me.

Cheers.

Seamus said...

It sure isn't a city of industry.

Someone once claimed to me that the suicide rates in Scandanavian countries were somewhat exaggerated by Catholic propagandists, to show what the combination of fornication and Lutheranism could do.

On the other hand, I am pretty sure the Finns do have an enormous suicide rate, particularly among men. Traditionally the men went fishing and the women got on with the business of running Finland. Now the men just sit around drinking, or going to St Petersburg to drink more cheaply.

Seamus said...

Note my unimpeachable source - none whatsoever - for both above factoids. I'm as bad as the AP.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Happily I can supply some validation, Seamus - during my tenure in the Soviet Union I noticed on many occasions that the Finns were, without exception, always the fiercest binge drinkers at any venue, so long as the drink of choice was vodka or similar. Switch them to beer, however, and like the Russians they soon melt away. They can't handle the volume for some reason.

Saved my life at least twice, that did trick did. And I mean that literally.

Cantemir said...

He said I ate the last mango in Paris...

johnnyboy said...

I've heard that "highest suicide rate in the world" quote for so many countries now that I've stopped counting. The people saying it usually are from the very country they're citing - it's like a weird badge of honor.

Ivan the Terrible said...

The Hungarians were no slouches in the suicide stakes, either. Not terribly surprising, given their history.

Desargues said...

However, it is very surprising, given their women.

Does Mrs Terrible know in what little regard you hold her compatriots? That must be one helluva fold-out sofa you got in your living room. Can't have enough of it, can you? :-)

Desargues said...

Also: next time you feel tempted to reach for that pitcher of margarita and the Barry Manilow CD, remember this piece of news. Should help you stop at number four.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Barry White, not Barry Manilow. Good God, man - what do you take me for? Barry White is the one whose CDs are securely stored in liquid nitrogen in the attic to prevent spontaneous outbreaks of fecundity.

Once called "the horniest dude alive" by Beavis and Butthead, he is sadly no longer with us. Expect to see lots more baby angels in Heaven now he's there...

Seamus said...

Was Barry White especially horny himself, or simply the cause of horniness in others?

Ivan the Terrible said...

A little from column A, a little from column B...

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