Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia

Fear and suspicion stalk the land as Devil’s Day dawns.

Any date containing more than its fair share of sixes has traditionally been a red letter day for Satanists, who are unaccountably keen to take all their clothes off and have sex in graveyards on the flimsiest of pretexts. Today, being 6/6/06, is no exception. However, so far as I know it’s a first for the opposition to take a hand, as is the case with the Dutch evangelicals organizing twenty-four-hour pray-ins at churches around the globe.

Pre-emption is the name of the game for these worthy souls, as their spokesperson, Mathijs Piet, explains:
"666 is the number of the Devil and we know that on this date, Satanists will try and do many things, so we Christians try and do the opposite,"
"We know the Devil hates it when we worship God."

“Dutch evangelicals”. You can almost taste the humourlessness. But then one reads that 20th Century Fox has chosen the same date to launch its remake of The Omen.

If it came to a lame-off between these clog-hopping bible bashers and a cutting-edge Hollywood marketing department, I know who I’d rather spend twenty four hours with…


Some Satanists, yesterday. The big black dog with orange eyebrows is on back-order.

19 comments:

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

"... Satanists, who are unaccountably keen to take all their clothes off and have sex in graveyards on the flimsiest of pretexts."

In the windy Outer Hebrides, we weren't called "Satanists", we were called "People Aged 15-18", and, shortly thereafter, we were sometimes called "The Blue Patients Suffering From Pneumonia".

Ivan the Terrible said...

Well, as I always say, "If you must screw sheep, at least take them inside..."

Desargues said...

Them Dutch libruls... erm... evangelicals better not think the Devil is without his tricks, too. A prayer-a-thon may just piss off Old Nick real bad. And when he gets pissed, people get hurt, as some God-fearin' folks in Alabammy learned the electromagnetic way.

Welcome back, Sam. Haven't see you around here in a while.

R. Sherman said...

One wonders whether their vigil will be held outside the brothels and hashish dens of Amsterdam.

Cheers.

PI said...

Sometimes Ivan - re your riposte to Sam - I despair. But then find I'm laughing!

johnnyboy said...

Desargues,
you're getting your Deity Tools all wrong. It's god who shots lightning. Satan merely makes your head spin and projectile vomit.

That lady in Alabama probably got hit because she was overdue for her donation to the 700 Club.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

No Ivan, the sheep we left to the Russian Klondykers - all those months at sea, you see - and the holidaymaking Welsh, of course. A Welshman can "make holiday" with nothing but a stiff breeze, a comely sheep and a tape recording of Aled Jones.

I was talking of the generations of pale, thin teenagers and their grim determination that graveyard sex in horizontal rain WAS romantic. "Look she's smiling, right? Or baring her teeth anyway."

I talk generally, you understand. Anyway, graveyard sex does not a Satanist make. You have to pass some sort of exams too, I think.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I never mock these things. They're probably all codswallop, these Satanic numbers, but why take a chance?

Ivan the Terrible said...

Hi Des - where do you dig these things up? My guess is she added the fatal "take me instead" clause to that prayer. Thankfully lightning is not a feature of my own inarticulate imprecations, but then again maybe I'm just doing it wrong.

And Randall, I doubt very much they'd bother praying in either of those locations. Remember what you said yesterday about not pitching your revival tent where folks don't want to be saved? The Dutch know that rule all too well...

Ivan the Terrible said...

"I talk generally, you understand"? Come on Sam, you're among friends here. No need to dissemble, There's a bitter grain of personal experience in your knowledge of graveyard sex, I'm sure.

That bit about horizontal rain, for example, is the sort of thing that only one who was there would know...

Desargues said...

JB--

If Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson can leg-press 2,000 pounds, then I guess it's a piece of cake for him to thunder-strike some deadbeat member of his flock of gullible sheep.

Desargues said...

At any rate, being born on the Day of the Devil is no joking matter. Here's some advice on how to deal with it for expecting mothers.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Aaaah, Landover Baptist - I remember them. They're good, but you have to wonder about their motivation. After all, they know their scripture better than most Christians, and all in the relentless pursuit of the most unflattering interpretation of any given quote. They do seem to prove the old adage about militant atheism being a religion in its own right (or rite, if you prefer the pun).

I await with interest landovermosque.org, but in the meantime the Kiddies' Korner is pretty funny...

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Fabulous links Des. Now about your starting a blog... I know, I know...you're busy...mumble, mumble...no time...dissertation etc. What kind of an excuse is that?

You are quite wrong, Ivan. I am merely repeating the secrets of others, OTHERS, you see, on the great world wide web. The horizontal rain though, IS a bugger - it means BOTH the lady and the gentle-youth get precipitated upon (note how I managed to avoid saying they got wet); it's strictly missionary positionary in the Presbyterian Outer Hebs.

Ivan the Terrible said...

Very well, Sam - we believe you. Yes we do, honest. All I would add is that, re the horizontal rain and the missionary position, you make a fine case in favour of fat blokes.

Fortunately there is no shortage of those in Scotland.

Desargues said...

That pic's not a screen-shot from "A Devil's Tail" by any chance, is it, Ivan?

And Sam, mighty thanks again for the invitation to move to Blogurbia. I'll start a blog when I get tenure. That'll be in about seven years, I guess. In the meanwhile, I really have to start writing up--and polish my English in the process. Been fuckin' around in grad school for way too long now.

In other news, more proof that it's hard out there for a Christian. Just like in the days of the early Church. Or maybe the guy was just one of those unbelievers who expect physical evidence of God's existence. Wouldn't be surprising in Ukraine. If he was, serves him right, I say. Rabid atheists are just fervent believers with daddy issues, as Ivan was suggesting earlier.

Ivan the Terrible said...

He obviously skipped the bit about not putting the Lord thy God to the test...

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Des, I resent the suggestion that we're posting in Blogurbia. This, apart from all the sheep talk and convenient local shopping centres, is the big smokey Blogtropolis. These here are the mean streets and we the glassy-eyed hashish denizons wondering therin as Randall intimated. You too, Des, number 'mongst our number now. Tenure, be dashed - you need a tenuous, a tenuOUS grasp on reality - that THAT (stabby finger points) will be your greatest friend in this life...

Ivan, for a lady to remain truly raindrop-free the bloke would have to be the loose-fleshed all enveloping type. Lewis lads are generally leaner than on the mainland but even there the tummies are taut. I believe you need some sort of a Norwegian in order to exercise truly water-proof graveyard sex.

Now, have I lowered the tone enough? I believe I have, I believe I have...

Ivan the Terrible said...

Mission Accomplished, Sam!